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The Lumberyard

2006-06-28T00:41:00.000-04:00

This edition of "The Lumberyard" comes courtesy of Mitch in Sacramento, the greatest fantasy commissioner of his era. An architect by day, Mitch has survived two international benders with NJV, a deer attack while ordering at Quiznos, an assault by an enraged Little League administrator, and several swipes from a pen-wielding co-worker (and future in-law). However, Mitch is perhaps best known for posting a career record of 43-34 in the famed, but now defunct, RCPH bball league.

The Cubs and the Noob: A Free Lesson for Jim Hendry
The lights are on and the sirens are blaring. Pull over Jim Hendry, you've been cited for being a part of the biggest fuckshow since 1997 on the North Side. Moves must be made, and they must be made right now. There are teams that will pay a premium on patches for their contending teams. The earlier you give them away, the easier it is to tell the fans we need to start over.

You start by trading your most coveted pieces, such as Aramis Ramirez, Jacque Jones, and Greg Maddux. Ramirez is an absolute dog, but a dog with 35 homer power. Teams have been scouting Jacque Jones for his .295 fluke average (check out his percentage of balls hit in play vs. hits, its way skewed). The Dodgers, among many, covet the service of a no. 4 starter like Maddux. The Dodgers and Ned Colleti still have ties to Maddux from his first Cub go around, and might be willing to part with two pieces from their prize-winning prospect collection. The Yankees need an outfielder, and may not want to give up three premium prospects to net Carlos Lee or Alfonso Soriano, and thus may take a gamble with Jones. Ramirez would have many suitors, as a power bat like his would command much in return, even if you have to offer some salary relief.

You then must decide whether or not you want to trade two of your best pitching pieces, Scott Eyre and Bobby Howry. Ryan Dempster has a no-trade clause, so he's staying, but whats the use of having premium relievers when you're rebuilding? You can demand some blue chippers from contending teams with struggling pens like the White Sox or maybe the Tigers, who might tire of Rod Beck 2.0 in the 9th and could use Howry as a closer. You then complete the dump by giving up any of the following for anything you can get, even if you have to eat the cash. Juan Pierre might be a nice luxury pinch runner for someone, likewise with Phil Nevin as a pinch hitter. Neifi Perez, Glendon Rusch, Kerry Wood: if anyone wants them they can have them, otherwise bite the bullet and cut them.

All of this, of course, is predicated on the fact that Dustbag Baker is long gone. He's is inthe last year of his deal, so no money will be lost. Dusty indeed has a fine track record, but only when managing tiresome steroidal sluggers in a less than Earl Weaver sort of way, that is by doing absolutely nothing but being the manager every player loves: the one who lets their players get away with everything under the sun. I'm one of many tired of his crackpot theories and brainless history lessons. This guy blows, and his excuses suck worse. Bring in minor league managers Pat Listach or Jody Davis to finish the season, and let them take over the youth movement if impressive. Otherwise Lou Pinella is still sitting there for the taking.

Now you have a regime change and a team full of promise who is there to stay. Carlos Marmol and other top prospects take over in the bullpen. And your infield and outfield are now full of youngsters trying to get a job for next year, setting up a competitive environment like the Marlins have done in Florida. This is not to say the cupboard will be bare. Carlos Zambrano and Mark Prior still make a nice one-two punch (Prior will be fine, anyone who saw him hitting 95 mph Saturday knows that his stuff is still there) and Michael Barrett, Ronny Cedeno, and Derrek Lee still will lead a young offense. Henry Blanco, the wonderful handler of pitchers, still stays as a backup. The wonderful thing about this strategy is that you'll have a variety of prospects to fill holes, and about 50 million dollars open for next year to attack the free agent market.

During the winter, you reload the pen and make a strong run at either Barry Zito or Jason Schmidt, and fill the lineup with a new 3b and corner outfielder, maybe a Carlos Lee. You put two of your young starters in the no. 4 and no. 5 spots and sign Zambrano long term. With Zambrano, Zito/Schimdt, and several young guys, Prior becomes worth the risk. Dempster is still the closer, and this year's Howry and Eyre will be available if the prospects aren't ready.

The Cubs need to go young for the rest of this year, to compete for the next ten. Its only one season, and the fans will understand the tear down project at hand. This division is winnable next year, but not with the sad bunch of mopes they have out there this season. Stop insulting our intelligence Jimbo, and treat this like a GM who has some vision beyond the Dunkin Donuts ahead on the left.

Entertainment Tonight

2006-06-25T23:50:00.000-04:00

Apparently I've been writing about too much soccer lately... sorry. I thought I'd take the time now to provide you Noobs with an entertainment report. Here is what you should be watching, reading, and listening to:

TELEVISION:

Entourage - Unequivocally the best show on Television, Entourage has started off it's third season with a bang. The five main characters are absolutely world class (Vince, E, Drama, Turtle, and Ari), and this is one of the funniest shows of all-time. I highly suggest that if you have HBO, you start watching it (Sundays at 10 PM EST), and if you don't have HBO, it's worth getting if only for Entourage. Yes the show is that good, I feel it's the best show of all-time.

Here's some love for those Ari Gold fans out there:

*** Spoiler Alert ***
I'm kind of upset with the newest episode and the introduction of the character "Dom." This piece of shit New Yorker friend of theres from their child hood just got out of prison and has come to ride the coattails of Vince's success. Everybody wants him out, except Vince, who ended the last episode by saying he was making Dom the head of security. I am furious over Vince's decision, and want Dom off the show as quickly as possible. As my roommate Laura said "Dom is ruining my Sunday nights, I feel like he's intruding on my family."

Lucky Louie - HBO's newest comedy is Lucky Louie, and it airs right after Entourage. It stars actor Louis C.K., and is taped in front of a live studio audience. I didn't have high expectations for this show, but it's actually really funny. Plus, in the last episode, there were two instances of frontal male nudity... which is a total bonus. Without ruining anything else, I suggest that you give the show a chance; you won't be disappointed.

Dog Bites Man - Another show that didn't look too appealing at first is Comedy Central's "Dog Bites Man." It's a show about a 4 person news team, and it's absolutely hysterical. New episodes air Wednesday nights at 10:30 on Comedy Central, and they're definitely worth checking out. The character Marty is over the top funny, and he gets funnier every time I watch an episode.

MOVIES

Waking Life - Essentially an intro to philosophy class, this movie is really, really good. Waking Life follows the main character through a number of dreams meeting different people and discussing everything from the purpose of the universe, to relationships, to the meaning of life. I highly suggest getting a little stoney and letting the trippy animation and deep intellectual conversations wisk you off to your own little place where you can learn more about life. Not that I've done that or anything...

BOOKS
A Short History Of Nearly Everything - Written by Bill Bryson, this is an excellent book. Basically, the title explains what the book is about... a history of nearly everything. From the creation of the cosmos, to a discussion of how old the world is, to Volcanoes and everything in between, this book takes what you've read in science books and puts it into a very readable and entertaining novel. I'm about 3/4's of the way through the book, and it's outstanding. Read it.

MUSIC

RX Bandits - The RX Bandits released a new CD a couple days ago... and it sounds like it will be fantastic. You're probably not familiar with the RX Bandits, but trust me, they're awesome. If you like Sublime you'll like the Rx Bandits.

Anyway, check out their website (www.rxbandits.com). They have a handful of songs on the left in their "Music Player" so that you can familiarize yourself with their music. Their new songs "Crushing Destroyer" and "Only For The Night" sound awesome, and I'm sure the rest of the CD will as well. They have CDs available only on their website, and they're $14 including shipping and handling.

While we're here...

Noob Sports Offensive Text Message Of The Week - goes to David Daniel Gutierrez, a long time friend of the Noob Sports family and protector of our freedoms. He sent me this shocker after the USA lost to Ghana.

"Too bad we're not Arab... we could have started a Jihad over that (penalty) call. Pity, as I have many guns."

(SEL tugging at shirt collar)

Noob Sports Quote Of The Week - goes to my roommate Tom. Well known for his quick wit and angry remarks, he delivered this gem while watching the France vs. Switzerland soccer game. A Frenchman was on the ground writhing in pain, and trainers were attending to him.

"Awwwwww, waaaaaaah! Why don't you just pour some wine on him, and he'll be fine.... FUCKING PUSSY!"

Gearing up for the NBA Draft

2006-06-23T09:37:00.000-04:00

The NBA draft is less than a week away, and I'm going to do my best to get you noobs excited about it. While the NFL draft receives more hype for a longer period of time, the NBA's version is certainly fascinating as well. There is comedy everywhere you look--prospects and posses showing up uninvited and sitting in the cheap seats, Stuart Scott interviewing befuddled international players, and making its debut this year, JJ Redick making a U-turn on his way to the podium.

Here are a few players I really like who will be selected June 28.

Brandon Roy, G
University of Washington
6'5" 195 lbs.

The rumor mill is churning at top speed around Roy, and it's looking more and more like he will be a top 3 pick. He might go as high as #2 to the Chicago Bulls, who are trying to decide between Roy and Tyrus Thomas of LSU. Rumor also has it that Michael Jordan himself is targetting the Husky at #3 and that the Lakers have toyed with the idea of trading Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom, and the #26 pick to the Bulls for the #2 and Tyson Chandler.

So why all the fuss over Brandon Roy? It doesn't hurt that he scored 20.2 ppg on 51% shooting for Washington last year, but NBA teams are drooling over him because he doesn't have any real flaws. He can pass (4.1 apg), rebound (5.6 rpg), defend (1.4 steals and .8 blocks per game), and shoot from outside (.402 from 3 point land) and might be the most NBA-ready player in this year's draft.

Guillermo Diaz, G
The U.
6'2" 190 lbs.

Aside from sharing a name with the actor who played Scarface in "Half Baked," Diaz has plenty else going for him. As you can see in the picture at right, he has more some serious hops (41+" vertical) and his offensive game has been compared to Steve Francis and Leandro Barbosa. If you caught a couple of his games at Miami, you were probably immediately struck by his speed and aggressiveness. On the other hand, some reports claim that he is too reckless with the ball and may be a shooting guard in a point guard's body.

I became a Diaz fan while watching him for the first time (against Michigan in November), as he stroked threes and drew contact after struggling in the first half. He was an impact player, and I see no reason to believe that he can't succeed in a Barbosa-esque role at the next level. As a through and through Laker fan, I would love for him to fall to them at #26 but despite Chad Ford's predictions, it doesn't look likely. If the Puerto Rican starts calling his teammates "B" and buys a dog named Killer, Diaz will quickly become one of Noob Sports favorite players.

Marcus Vinicius Vieira de Souza, PF
Brazil
6'10" 230 lbs

I love that the big time Brazilian athletes are given one-word names (Ronaldo, Ronaldihno, Nene, and Fred) and the power forward is no exception. He has been dubbed Marquinos and averaged 19.5 ppg in the Brazilian league. As he works to add muscle, scouts rave about his offensive skills. If only we could combine that offense with...

Mouhamed Saer Sene
Senegal
7'0" 235 lbs.

The 20 year old Saer Sene is a project who will not be ready to play in the NBA right away. Because of his size and shot blocking presence, he reminds me of Francisco Elson and D'Sagana Diop. Both he and Marquinos will most likely end up on quality teams that will try to develop them without giving them many NBA minutes, either by letting them remain overseas or by designating them to the NBDL. My personal belief is that Saer Sene and Marquinos are the international players to watch at the bottom half of this draft.

-NJV

Hodgepodge

2006-06-21T19:35:00.000-04:00

- Fuck the Heat. I hate the Heat. I hate Antoine Walker, and his increasingly large breasts. I wanted to see Dirk and Cuban beat them. Oh well. Great NBA Playoffs.

- Apparently the Stanley Cup Finals were awesome. I didn't catch more than 20 minutes of the finals though, because, like Uncle Junior is to Tony Soprano, the NHL is dead to me. I just can't get into it anymore (unless the Wings are involved), and unfortunately I'm not the only one. Out of all my friends who are hockey fans (of which there used to be many), the only one that acted like they cared a little bit was crazy Jay. Other than that, not a peep from anybody.

- Go USA. Holy shit, go USA. Go Italy too. If anybody wants to join Team Noob Sports West, we will be viewing the game in Denver at the Celtic Tavern in LoDo. I will be the guy wearing the Oguchi Onyewu "22" jersey and waiving the Team USA scarf over my head. I will also be drunk (starting to drink at approximately 6:30 AM) and will most likely have the look of somebody who is just about to lose complete control. Please do say hello.

- Just in case the Noob Sports Jinx is still ruling the universe, I want to take this time to say Go Ghana, and Go Czech Republic! Ghana has the United States beat in every aspect of this game. They have better players, they have a stronger defense, better forwards, and are overall bigger, faster, and stronger. They will most certainly handle the United States, and the game won't even be close.

By the same token, Italy isn't even in the same league as the Czech Republic. This game won't be close, I don't even know why they're playing it... If the Czech Republic doesn't mercy Italy in this game, I will be shocked.

Pride

2006-06-20T01:11:00.000-04:00

In the words of Lee Greenwood: "I'm proud to be an American."

This is the first time that I've honestly been able to say that in a very, very long time. From the dufus that's running our country (try googling the word "failure"... pretty funny), to our foreign policy being a complete shitshow, to the way that we're hated across the globe; these aren't very 'proud' times to be an American.

These aren't great times to be a fan of any of the teams that represent our country, either. Our basketball team has been sucking serious jaggon in the olympics, our baseball team famously flopped in the WBC, and our hockey team hasn't had a sniff of gold in any of their recent tournaments. The only sport that we seem to be excelling in is American Football, probably because we're the only country on earth that plays it.

I, like many others of my ilk, had visions of grandeur for this World Cup. This was to be the coming out party for the United States. This was going to be the straw that broke the camels back; the point where Americans finally caught on to soccer, and soccer supplanted hockey as the 4th "major" sport in the country. Improbable? Yes. But impossible? Not really.

After our opening game loss to the Czech Republic, you heard the team described as "uninspiring", "unflattering", "lethargic", and "dissapointing."

After we tied Italy (a tie!), you heard the team described as "heroic", "fighters", "valiant", and "proud."

Proud.

Proud like Lee Greenwood wants us to be.

In all seriousness, that game on Saturday was such a roller coaster of emotions for me. I went from the highest of highs, to the lowest of lows... sometimes those emotions came within minutes of one another, sometimes within seconds.

Over the course of one game, I managed to hug complete strangers, lose my voice from cheering, threaten to assassinate Pablo Mastroeni when he gets back to Colorado, and spill a handful of drinks by slamming my fist into the table after the second red card.

I went from das uber-depressed (Italy's first goal), to gleeful (Italy's second goal... which they scored for us), to ecstatic (Italy's red car for the elbow) in a matter of minutes.

I'm fairly sure I suffered a heart attack when Eddie Pope got his second yellow card (especially after telling everybody at the bar, and friends on the phone, that if Bruce kept Pope in the game, that he would get his second yellow... my prophecy came true 1 minute into the 2nd half) and we had to play the rest of the game with 9 men.

I was absolutely elated when Beasley scored a goal to give the US an improbable 2-1 lead over Italy, only to have my world turned to confusion, then catostrophy when I realized the offside flag was up.

The last 15 minutes might have been the most nervous and turturous minutes of my life... wildly cheering our boys to hold onto the draw, to keep any hope we had alive.

When the final whistle blew and we left the bar, I was completely exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and psychologically exhausted. I hissed like a vampire when I walked outside into the sun, struggling to stand up and drag myself home.

For a while I couldn't figure out how I felt about the game. So many emotions, so many huge swings, such euphoria, such disappointment... my world was a total maelstrom.

However, after all the dust had settled, I had one underlying emotion: pride.

I was fucking proud of the men that put on the Red, White, and Blue jerseys on Saturday. I was proud, once again, to be an American.

And the best part? I'm not alone.

The other day on ESPN's Sportsnation, they held a poll that asked "Which is the most interesting event?" and gave you the options of "USA in World Cup", "NBA Finals", and "U.S. Open."

My vote was obvious, but I was SHOCKED to see how the rest of the country voted:

Out of over 180,000 people that voted, 46% of them said that our United States Men's National team in the World Cup was the most interesting event to them. You know what that is?

Pride.

(By the way, I think the distribution of these votes is hysterical. If you asked me "Steve, what places would you absolutely hate to live?" My answers would definitely include: West Virginia, Idaho, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, and Oklahoma. It would also be interesting / humorous to compare this map with a map of how these states voted in the 2004 presidential election / education levels. My guess is that it would be a pretty high correlation. I digress...)

Thursday is one of the most important days in U.S. soccer history. With a result against Ghana and a little help from Italy (it sucks to have to cheer for those greasy douchebags, by the way), we will advance out of the group of death.

Saturday's game was the most watched soccer game in United States history. At the end of the game, it gave me chills all over my body when I heard "U-S-A! U-S-A!" chanted throughout the stadium.

Hopefully Thursday will be more of the same. Hopefully our boys will go out there and play their hearts out, and leave everything on the pitch. Hopefully the results favor us.

Regardless of the result, there is one thing we all certainly will be: proud.

Proud to be Americans supporting our national team.

(While we're here, did anybody see the Korea vs. France game? Our love of Korea and it's rabid fans is well documented, but that was an unbelievable display of pride from the Korean teams. The noise in that stadium was deafening, and it sure as shit wasn't coming from the French. Dae Han Min Guk, son, Dae Han Min Guk.)

Eat 'Em Up Tigers

2006-06-19T01:08:00.000-04:00

Saturday wasn't the first time I've ever been embarrassed at a Tigers game, but it was the first time I've been embarrased for the other team. It didn't take long either, as the first chants of "LET'S GO TIGERS!!!!" began in Wrigley Field after Curtis Granderson tripled to start the game. When Carlos Guillen smoked a 2 run homer later in the first inning, the Detroit faithful in attendance roared in delight, easily drowning out the boos of Cubs' fans. Fortunate enough to be seated in the season ticket holder section, I was shocked at how many peeps in Tiger hats and jerseys spotted my shirt and offered me high fives after big plays. Meanwhile, the Cub contigent could only groan as Jaque Jones five-hopped a throw to the cutoff man (hilarious, by the way) and Dusty Baker trotted in one ineffective reliever after another. It was sad really, as the Cubs were out-played, out-hustled, and out-managed by a Tiger club that just destroys lesser competition (33-10 against sub-.500 teams).

As the Tigers continue to hold off the White Sox, there have been a few developments this week in Tigertown...

1. Curtis Granderson is becoming "jersey-worthy."
He began all three of this weekend's games with a base hit and seemingly just keeps getting better with every game. Granderson plays the game hard, but gracefully and with intelligence. Able to hit for average or power, he's patient and will make adjustments. I'll stop short of saying that I want to have his children, but Granderson is everything that Juan Encarnacion wasn't. This isn't a feeling that often strikes me, so I don't say that this lightly, but I'm strongly considering purchasing his jersey. It would be a bold step for me as a fan to become a jersey wearer after so many years of staunch resistance. Putting someone else's name on your back is a big commitment: you have to be sure that 1. the player will be good for an extended period of time (think Rick Ankiel or Bobby Higginson), 2. the player will remain on your favorite team for years (think about all those now useless Johnny Damon jerseys in Boston), and 3. that the player won't turn out to be a jackass (think Eagle fans purchasing TO's #81). Granderson seems to meet the criteria.

2. Tis the season to be trading.
One of the biggest perks for fans of a winning team is the drama of the trading season. Figure on the Tigers making a move or two before the July 31 non-waiver trading deadline, with the primary target being an affordable left handed bat. Dave Dombrowski will also consider adding another arm for the bullpen, but will first have to decide if he is willing to give up some of his prized pitching prospects for a true impact player. The dream acquisition is Tampa Bay's Carl Crawford, a young left handed hitter who can provide the Detroit lineup with the thing it lacks most: speed. Crawford is hitting .315 with 10 homers and 22 steals and rumors of his availability will not go away. Is there any real chance that DD brings CC to Motown?

A package for Hot Carl would start with Humberto Sanchez, who was recently promoted to Toledo after posting a 1.72 ERA with 86 K's in 71.2 innings in Double A. He has emerged as an elite prospect and would probably step immediately into Tampa Bay's rotation. Jordan Tata could sweeten the deal, but given their recent history, the Devil Rays will ask for more. One player who would make a lot of sense for the manager Joe Maddon is Omar Infante, although Jim Leyland would not be happy to give him up. Infante is still young and inexpensive, plays 3 infield positions (as well as OF in a pinch) and has a lot of pop for a little man. However, if the Tigers included him along with Sanchez, Tata, and a lesser prospect (Jack Hannahan?) the Devil Rays might not receive a better offer.

According to ESPN's Jason Stark, the Tigers have already made inquiries but the favorites to land Crawford are the Los Angeles Angels with a probable package of Ervin Santana and Brandon Wood. I put the chances of a serious Tiger run at Hot Carl, who is under club control until 2010, at around 10%. It's much more likely that DD hangs onto Sanchez and adds a player like Jeromy Burnitz or even Aubrey Huff. Still, isn't it an exciting change to be a buyer in July?

3. Tiger Stadium is being torn down.
The announcement made by the city of Detroit isn't a surprise, but we'll always have a soft spot in our hearts for the corner of Michigan and Trumbull. While the actual field is being preserved, here's hoping that the project will revitalize that area of the city.

-NJV

If I was Bruce...

2006-06-16T02:16:00.000-04:00

Ever since the United States got the absolute dog shit beaten out of them by the Czech Republic on Monday, a lot of people have asked me (SEL) what the United States needs to do differently against Italy on Saturday in order to win and stay alive in World Cup. Apparently people think I know something about soccer.

Coach Bruce Arena has managed to find himself in a pretty bad place. I've always been a fan of Das Bruce, but I don't envy his position right now. His team came into the tournament way overhyped, and he spoke with such bravado and confidence that we expected them to dominate their group and make a serious run in the World Cup. After they got their asses handed to them on Monday, people started immediately questioning Bruce's motivational skills and roster selection.

What changes should he make so the United States doesn't make an early exit like in '98? More importantly for Bruce, what changes should he make so he doesn't (almost certainly) lose his job? Well, If I was Bruce...

(by the way, I often like to PRETEND that my name is Bruce. Whenever I order a meal and they ask me for my name I tell them "Bruce." If I start talking to somebody and can tell within the first five seconds that I never want to see them again, I tell them my name is "Bruce." I often fill out surveys or sign up for useless shit using the full name "Bruce Braswell." When I put on my ass-less chaps and head down to the Manhole, I tell people I meet there.... nevermind.)

If I was Bruce, I would play in a 3-5-2. For an example of that formation, I would look to the Hope College Flying Dutchmen teams of the early to mid 2000's, who pounded teams using that system. Opponents of that theory point to the fact that there are only 3 defenders. At this point, the United States has no choice other than to attack, because a loss or a draw and we're (pretty much) done. Might as well make it an attacking-minded formation.

If I was Bruce, I would bench Eddie Pope and play with Oguchi Onyewu as the only center back.

If I was Bruce, I keep Eddie Lewis at left-back. Despite his less-than-stellar performance against the Czech Republic, he is very good at attacking out of the back. We need all the attacking help we can get.

If I was Bruce, I would contemplate subbing out Steve Cherundolo and replacing him with last years MLS Defender of the year and Noob Sports reader Jimmy Conrad. Even though he is more comfortable at center back, I think it would be nice to have him out there trying to stop Luca Toni and company. However, I would most likely keep Stevie C. back there.

If I was Bruce, I would bench DeMarcus Beasley and keep Bobby Convey on at left midfield. Convey has that great left-foot, and is one of our best free-kick takers. I would also think about bringing Beasley on as a sub for Convey, to add that extra boost of energy and speed when Italy is tiring towards the end of the game.

If I was Bruce, I would put Clint Dempsey on at right midfield. He has pace, he's fearless, he has great ball skills, and he is probably our most compeitive player. I would love to see Deuce cutting people up down the right side all day.

If I was Bruce, I would put our best three players (and playmakers) together in the center of midfield, and let them try to take over the game. These players, of course, are Landon Donovan, John O'Brien, and Claudio Reyna. Let their creativity feed off one another, let them play the beautiful game together, and let's see what happens.

If I was Bruce, I would run Brian McBride and Eddie Johnson together up front. McBride is without a doubt our best forward, and always has the ability to score off a header or a scrum in the box. Johnson is the perfect compliment to a player who is big, holds the ball well, and dominates in the air (like McBride). He has blazing speed, good ball skills, high energy, and has the ability to score goals. Goals, obviously, are important to the U.S. getting a result on Saturday.

If I was Bruce, my lineup would look like this:

If I was Bruce, that's exactly what I would do. And damnit, I think we would win.

Noobie, Noobie, Noob (6/15)

2006-06-14T01:31:00.000-04:00

Noob of the Week:
If there is anything we've learned this week, it's that there is no shortage of noobs in the wide world of sports. In fact, there have been so many noobs in the news recently that we've decided to split this award up by sport.

Baseball-
The raid on Jason Grimsley's house has sparked an HGH firestorm in MLB and Grimsley further noobed it up by cooperating with authorities and providing names of several players involved with performance enhancing drugs. Shortly thereafter, Grimsley refused to continue his cooperation, pissing off the feds who then leaked his story to the press. Grimsley has been attacked by the media for his HGH use and also by some of his fellow players for being a rat. It's only a matter of time before the FBI places an agent under cover in an MLB clubhouse as a coach or bat boy--in fact, that might be a great idea for Keanu Reeves' next movie, perhaps as a sequel to the unforgettable "Point Break."

Basketball-
The JJ Redick DUI story is just about perfect: the popped collar in his mugshot and the panicked U-turn have sports fans all over the country revelling in the smug Dukie's legal troubles. As Redick prepares for the NBA draft, the Portland Jail Blazer jokes practically write themselves. I hate Redick as much as the next guy, but he has to be a fucking great beer pong player, right?

Football-
Chris Henry is an absolute douchebag. The Bengals wide receiver was arrested for the FOURTH time since December on charges of providing alcohol to minors. According to police, the 23 year old Henry was drinking with 3 girls (ages 18, 16, and 15) in his car. In the morning, the 18 year old girl alleged that Henry had raped her, although police believe that her allegations to be fictional. Either way, the NFL's version of R. Kelly figures to be out of a job soon.

Street Racing-
Big Ben Roethlisberger is the big winner for crashing his crotch rocket in Pittsburgh. There is no truth to the rumor that the accident was caused when he was hit with a burrito thrown from a passing vehicle ("this burrito is good but it is filling"). Meanwhile, Esteban Loaiza was given a DUI after being pulled over at 120 mph early Wednesday. His 3 year, $21 million deal raised eyebrows when Billy Beane announced the move this winter and looks even more questionable today. In NBA news, perennial NOTW candidate Zach Randolph was also pulled over for "street racing" this week. When the po-po searced the car, they found 2 loaded handguns and a thick cloud of ganja. Amazingly, Zeebo avoided any charges stemming from the incident and the Trail Blazers have said they will not punish their $80 million dollar man.

Noob Sports Commercial of the Week:
The narrator/spiritual adviser looks like an older, bloated Colin Farrell but the "Joga Bonito" commercials by Nike are definitely on point. If you haven't seen all of the spots yet, here is a compilation for your viewing pleasure.

Noob Sports Feel Good Story of the Week:
In a week where even squeaky clean guys like Roethlisberger and Redick are getting in trouble, it's a bit hard to feel cheery about our athletes. With all the news about performance enhancing drug use and violence by athletes, the WWE shines as a beacon of hope: Degeneration X has reunited. Triple H and Shawn Michaels have once again teamed up and will fight in a 5 on 2 handicap match against the Spirit Squad, a group of 5 wrestlers whose shtick is that they are, you guessed it, male cheerleaders. DX is famous for the positive and uplifting messages they try to share with their fans. Said Triple H: “We’re going to send a message to Vince McMahon and everyone else in the WWE. It’s a simple message – it’s just two words – suck it.” Hunter Hearst Helmsley then compared being a member of DX to being in the Beatles and said that they are going to wrestle like they have nothing to lose "because we’re rich biatch, and we don’t care." If more kids would aspire to be pro wrestlers instead of those cheating, 'roid raging baseball players, America would have a much brighter future.

Noob Sports Quip of the Week:
Todd Jones reminds no one of Mariano Rivera, but at least he has a sense of humor. After entering last Friday's game against the Toronto Blue Jays and not recording an out, Jones was asked how much blowing the save bothered him. Jones said "I slept like a baby- woke up crying every two hours." The roller coaster ride continues as Jones took the loss in extra innings Wednesday night, leaving the Tiger faithful with the same feeling Cubs fans had when the always nerve-wracking Rod Beck racked up 51 saves in 1998 (tribute to Mitch in Sacramento).

-NJV

What a Nightmare

2006-06-12T15:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Steve,
Please don't kill yourself.
-Todd.

That's a text message I received from my good friend Neckers after the US lost 3-0 to the Czech Republic in their opening World Cup game today. The sad thing is, he's not the only one that contacted me to make sure I was okay after the game.

Let's just say I'm a fan of US Soccer, and I take the World Cup pretty seriously. People knew that my mood would be, depending on the result, either euphoric or homicidal. I haven't killed anybody yet, but it's certainly not out of the question.

I'm going to do my best attempt to answer 3 questions about the game today - What the hell happened? What needs to change? Is there any reason for hope?

(For the record, I am not emotionally prepared to write about the game I just witnessed, but I feel I must. Apologies in advance if this isn't humorous or entertaining)

So... what the hell happened?

- We were not ready to play. The USA came out flat, and gave up a goal 5 minutes into the match. I don't think they were overwhelmed, I don't think they were overconfident, they were just flat out not ready to play. They weren't there emotionally, they weren't there psychologically. In the biggest sporting event in the history of the world, this is completely unnacceptable.

- Eddie Pope is terrible. I've been saying it for the last 3 years, Eddie Pope is a liability on the United States backline, and he proved me oh so right today. Jan Koller is 6'8"... how can you let him be alone within 6 yards of the goal for a free header? From the beginning, Eddie Pope was never in the game, not for a second. He was completely outclassed, and needs to be replaced (a Jimmy Conrad sighting, possibly?)

- "We got nothing out of Beasley on the night." That's a comment from Bruce Arena during the postgame press conference. I believe Bruce is right on there. We got ABSOLUTELY nothing out of DMB tonight. He's one of our top players, a world class midfielder, and he didn't show up at all today. He played scared, and seemed completely disinterested in the game.

- It's well documented that I have a man-crush on Oguchi Onyewu... but he did not have his finest game today. I think what hurt him was that he received a yellow card (unneccessarily) 4 minutes in, and was forced to play tentatively for the rest of the game. Missing Cory Gibbs is obviously hurting our back line.

- The turning point of the game came when Claudio Reyna hit the post. The United States were carrying the play, moving the ball from side to side, being diverse with their offense, and it resulted in a shot that rattled the inside of the post. An inch to the right and that shot goes in, and all of a sudden the score is 1-1 and we have a great game on our hands.

What Needs To Change?

- John O'Brien needs to start. He's the most creative and dangerous midfielder in the history of American soccer. I understand the reasoning behind starting Pablo Mastroeni over him (a solid midfield defender, a good ball winner, a great guy to stop the other team), but now it's lose and go home. We need attack, we need a player who can make things happen out of nothing, and that man is John O'Brien. If he doesn't start against Italy, you can expect a string of profanities out of my mouth the likes of which have never been seen.

- If Demarcus Beasley is in the game, he must be on the left side of the field. 90% of the touches he takes are with his left foot. Why have him out on the right? Convey looked better than Beasley today, and I wouldn't be surprised if only one of them was in the starting lineup on Saturday. Regardless, Beasley has to play on the left to be effective.

- Get our forwards the ball at their feet. The United States is at their best when they keep the ball on the ground, attack with a sense of urgency, and occasionally serve a high ball in the box to McBride. Today it seemed like once we went down 2 goals, we just started pumping balls into the box in the air. That is not the answer, and will certainly not be the answer against Italy.

- Personally, I'm going to change 3 things: (1) I've been growing out my beard for about 2 weeks, saying that I wasn't going to shave it until the US lost. Well, the first thing I did when I got home from watching the game was lose the beard. (2) Change viewing locations. I watched this game at Fado in Denver (more on that later), I will not watch one there again. (3) Wear my US Men's National Team scarf to the game. I made a mistake today of not going all out, you can be very sure that the scarf will be draped around my shoulders on Saturday.

- Play with pride. Play with heart. Play with fire. Play for your country. Play with determination. Play with a chip on your shoulder. Play as hard as you can. Play with desire. Play like if you lose, your World Cup dreams are over. Which they will be with a loss.

We're in a bad place, no doubt. Things actually couldn't have gone worse. We now have to go against Italy on Saturday... a team that is known as being the best defensive team in the world. Since they just beat Ghana 2-0, they have no reason to play for a win. They're going to sit back and play for a tie, because if they tie, they're almost guaranteed to go through. The US has never won a World Cup game in Europe, and now we have to go into Italy's backyard and try to beat them there. So...

Is There Any Reason for Hope?

Absolutely.

The Czech Republic are the 2nd ranked team in the world for a reason. They're awesome. If the team can put this game behind them, and come out ready to play on Saturday, we have a chance.

We certainly have the firepower to beat Italy... I think now it's up to our team to find the intestinal fortitude necessary to go out there and prove we belong.

It's definitely an uphill battle, but a battle that is certainly winnable. Italy didn't look that great today against Ghana, and Ghana had many scoring chances. Americans are known for being hard-working, for busting their ass to get their reward, and not hanging their heads when the chips are down. Now is that time for our national team... hopefully they respond.

One final note - I'm very impressed with the overall change in attitude shown by Americans towards the World Cup this year, especially when compared to 4 years ago.

I was in Cincinatti this weekend for a friends wedding (congratulations Nick). On the way home, I was wearing my USA jersey in the airport, and about 5 people came up and talked to me about the team. People are fired up.

I got home last night, and was so excited that I couldn't get to sleep. I slept a total of about 8 hours this last weekend (it was an AWESOME weekend), and I didn't feel like sleeping last night at all. This morning I went down to Fado in Denver to watch the game... and it was packed. There were USA jerseys everywhere, people were cheering, there were flags, scarves, drinking... you could have convinced me that this was a bar in England, not in the United States.

I love the progess we have made as a soccer country... but our National Team needs to reward our fans by showing up and playing their best on Saturday. I'm confident that they will.

Time to Cinch It Up and Hunker Down

2006-06-06T23:26:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure that it's safe to write about the Detroit Tigers again. The Yankees and Sox of all colors have cooled off the Tigers to such an extent that the Noob Sports Jinx is merely an afterthought.

In their last 8 games, the Tigers have managed just 2 victories against the AL's top 3 teams. Tonight's series opener was an absolute heartbreaker: the Tigs led the entire way, squandered a few chances, and dodged bullets until Alex Cintron hit his first home run, a 3 run job, as a member of the Pale Hose. Hawk Harrelson promptly blew his load all over Darrin Jackson and could barely get out his patented home run call of "You can put it on the booooard...YES!!!" DJ and I both promptly threw up in our mouths.

(By the way, if you get the title of this column and you aren't a Sox fan, you can sympathize with how truly brutal it is to listen to Hawk as a fan of what he calls "the bad guys.")

You loyal noobs out there know that I've believed in this Tiger team from the get-go, and I still do. It's too early to start worrying about the standings and definitely too early to start printing playoff tickets, but through 58 games we definitely have an idea about this team's strengths and weaknesses. Observations, in no particular order...

1. The Tigers miss Dmitri Young. This team needs a left handed bat like Jason Grimsley needs a lawyer, and that's pretty badly. Nothing against Alexis Gomez, but was he seriously batting sixth on Tuesday night?

2. Marcus Thames is a legit major leaguer. With Craig Monroe struggling, Thames is a key member of this ballclub. He has a shit ton of power, has produced when given the opportunity, and seems to be a genuinely nice guy. Alan Trammell really never gave Thames a chance in 2005, despite posting monster numbers in the minors. Speaking of which...

3. You couldn't ask for a better manager than Jim Leyland. He keeps his reserves fresh, manages his starting pitchers flawlessly, and commands respect from his players. Since he's already receiving a ton of credit from the mainstream media, let's just keep rolling along.

4. The Tigers got very lucky in Tuesday's amateur draft. Due to signability issues, Andrew Miller, the consensus top player in the draft, slid all the way to Detroit who took him with the sixth overall pick. The Tarheel is 6'6, left handed, can reach 97 mph on the gun, and has a sweeping breaking ball. Many experts believe he can reach the majors as soon as 2007, after he polishes his change up a bit. I'll take it.

5. Only the Lord saves more than Todd Jones, so why is it so hard to have faith in him? Jones is second in the AL in saves with 16, but the 1-2-3 inning has always been much more elusive for him. His ERA hovers near 6. If Todd falters as closer, Fernando Rodney is capable (despite giving up the dinger to Cintron) but the bullpen is much stronger with him in a set-up role. This might be an area that Dave Dombrowski looks to strengthen before the trade deadline.

6. This is Mike Ilitch's chance to win back the fans. If Ilitch gives Dombrowski the green light and the green to add an impact player, it would be a sign to both the players and the fans that management is dedicated to winning this year. The deal wouldn't have to be a blockbuster, but the Tigers do have ammunition to make a deal without touching their core group of players. Roman Colon, Wil Ledezma, and Omar Infante are all young, talented, and most importantly, inexpensive but are not necessarily in the Tigers' long term plans. Since the Tigers could use a left fielder, starting pitcher, or reliever, there should be no shortage of rumors in the coming weeks.

-NJV

SEL's Ramblings

2006-06-06T10:18:00.000-04:00

Greetings noobies, it's been a while. I recently came back from an extended-weekend trip up to Bozeman, Montana with my buddy Walt. If you've never been there, you definitely need to go. The landscape is beautiful, there were a surprising amount of very attractive women, and the people there are super-nice. I described the people to my mother (a serious Texan) as: "Very warm and genuinely friendly, like your typical Texan... minus the accent, the hick tendancies, and the uber-conservativeness."

Anyway, it's always nice to just get away every now and then. I don't live a very stressful life, in fact my stress level usually hovers between 1 and 2 on a scale of 1-10.... but it's still nice to just change things up a bit, get out of your routine, and go take it easy somewhere else. I highly suggest Bozeman if you're looking for a cool place. In the words of the immortal Aaron Karo, here are some things I've been ruminating about lately:

- The NBA playoffs have been so good this year. Back when they started, Nate and I argued for about an hour about whether the NBA playoffs or College Basketball's March Madness was more fun to watch (In fact, Nate wrote about it here). I still think that March Madness is more exciting and a better time watching, but my Lord, how good have these NBA Playoffs been? So many close games, so many stars rising to the occasion, so many ridiculous shots... it's been awesome. The only thing that hasn't been great is the officiating, which seems to have reached an all-time low. In many games, the refs are so one-sided, or make so many UNBELIEVABLY bad calls, that it's painful to watch. At this point, I think there is better refereeing in the WWF.

- Speaking of which, the Pistons post-season turned out to be a dissapointment. I have since calmed won from my homicidal rage, but wow was that a stinker. It's upsetting to see Rasheed go from wearing the WWF Championship belt a couple years ago, to the Intercontinental belt this year, to now not having anything. Hopefully this makes the Pistons hungry for next year, at least to get Ra some gold to wear around his waste.

While we're on the subject, this is not Flip Saunders' fault. Chauncey Billups said it before one of the Heat games when asked about it. Something along the lines of "It's not Flip's fault, he's done everything right, it's the players. We're the ones out there not producing. We're the ones that have to hold ourselves accountable and go out there and perform." Well, they didn't. It was embarassing how badly they didn't perform. I just want to let you know that I don't think it was Flips fault.

- Also, fuck Antoine Walker. I've always hated 'toine, and I hate him even more now. That jiggly piece of shit was dancing around when he hit a 3 in garbage time of game 6 of the Pistons series and it made me want to rip his throat out. Have some class. With those big titties of his, 'Toine would be better suited dancing around at Diamond Cabaret and having rich Japanese businessmen stuffing dollar bills down his G-string than on the basketball floor of the NBA Finals. Antoine Walker used to be a woman. No, I'm not bitter at all.

- Michelle Wie... is anybody else as non-excited about her as I am? Yes, she can ball. Sure, she's a sweet golfer. Of course I'm impressed that she's 16 and can hit the shit out of the ball... but this huge media frenzy that follows her everywhere as she tries to make the US Open is ridiculous. I would like to see her first do something on the LPGA, then come talk to me about playing men's golf. She couldn't even carry Annika Sorenstam's jock... uh, if she had one.

- The injury to Albert Pujols sucks. In this age where every slugger gets criticized for being on steroids or being a total douchebag (in Lamar's case he's both), Prince Albert is such a welcome star. He can absolutely mash the ball, plus he's an all-around nice guy. He has done so much work with Downs Syndrome, and contributed so much money to charity, that everybody loves the guy. What an unfortunate time for him to get injured, because, I think I'm speaking for everybody here, we would have loved to have seen him set the all-time single season home run mark.

- The World Cup starts Friday... hory cow. Such exciting times, and so many stories going on, I don't even know where to begin. My "Onyewu 22" jersey arrived this weekend with my USA Soccer scarf, and you can bet I'll be watching every game that I am physically able to. More on this in the upcoming days.

- An update on Noobsports2.0 - It's been a frustrating process. The freelancer we hired to do the work for us started doing a wonderful job, but disappeared off the face of the earth. Last we heard from him, he had to leave the country (not sure which country), and one of his family members died. This was over a month ago. Anyway, progress has stopped, so we're trying to find another freelancer to work with us. It sucks, and we had all these visions of grandeur, but they have to be put on the backburner for a while.

Welcome to the Machine: Pro Lax Debuts in Chicago

2006-06-05T00:36:00.000-04:00

The Chicago Machine-- one of four Major League Lacrosse expansion teams debuting this season, along with the Denver Outlaws, the Los Angeles Riptide, and the San Francisco Dragons-- made their home opener Saturday afternoon at Benedictine University in Lisle, IL. The game itself wasn't exactly a barn burner, the Machine fell to San Francisco 21-9, but while in attendance, the question that kept coming to my mind was: what are the long term chances of success for the MLL?

Reasons for optimism:
- The pro game is faster and higher scoring than the college game. The MLL rule book differs significantly than that of the NCAA: there is a 60 second shot clock, a two-point line (15 yards from the goal), a limit of 3 long stick defensemen, and limited substitutions. As a result, the pace of the game is quicker and fast breaks are much more frequent.

- The game is extremely physical. Nothing gets the crowd buzzing like a big hit and there were several on Saturday, most of which were violent enough to make Ronnie Lott proud. The hitting is a mixture of the checking, slashing, and hooking found in hockey and the open-field, full speed body blocks found in football.

- The players are world class. This was evident in more than one way during Saturday's game in Chicago. Unlike the indoor National Lacrosse League (which is not a direct competitor), the MLL features the cream of the NCAA D-1 crop. Two rookies who played in Memorial Day's championship game, Sean Morris of UMass and Michael Culver of Virginia, made their debuts for the Machine. Culver was a first team All American defender while Morris and fellow Chicago rookie Joe Boulukos are finalists for this season's Tewaarton Trophy (the lacrosse equivalent of the Heisman trophy).

Meanwhile, attackman and Syracuse alum Ryan Powell played his first game for San Francisco after being traded from Rochester and registered 3 goals. The league has some star power with guys like Powell, New Jersey's Kyle Harrison, Baltimore's Mark Millon, and Boston's Conor Gill. The MLL must find a way to keep its stars happy and in the fold before the National Lacrosse League launches it's new outdoor league and attempts to woo them away.

- The athletes are accessible. After Saturday's game, fans were allowed to mingle along the benches of the teams, shaking hands, taking pictures, and grabbing autographs. Every player remained on the sidelines signing for each and every kid that asked. Powell admirably signed for at least 15 minutes, even chatting on a fan's cell phone, despite the fact that his smoking hot girlfriend waited nearby.

- The sport is growing. Lacrosse offers a blend of contact and high scoring that isn't found elsewhere in sports. Perhaps this is the reason why many high schools are adding lacrosse and the number of youth leagues is at an all time high. It all starts with the kids, noobies. Can't fight against the youth.

Reasons for pessimism:
- The MLL is receiving some TV exposure, ESPN 2 features a game of the week on Tuesdays and games are covered locally by stations like Comcast Sportsnet, but the games are shown on tape delay. The delay takes away credibility from the game. No fan likes hearing scripted commentary or having portions of the action removed so that the game can fit into a tidy 2 hour time block.

- The league needs to market its product more effectively. In the spring, Notre Dame and Cornell played on the same field at Benedictine and that game outdrew the Machine's home opener by more than 1000. Much of the difference at the gate can be attributed to a huge number of youth lacrosse players and their families at the college game. Those in charge had given away tickets to youth leagues in the hopes that if the kids wanted to come, their families would follow. It worked. The MLL should adopt a similar strategy, as well as lower ticket prices below $20. Otherwise, the league might price itself out of the market quicker than Matt Harrington.

- The players need to be paid a full-time salary. Currently, the players are paid around $18,000 for the season, which runs from May through August. This means that players must also work full time jobs and are not able to devote themselves fully to the sport. Many top players even sit out the occassional season, including Ryan Powell's brothers Mikey and Casey. If the season was extended by a month or so, perhaps there would be enough money to support full-time lacrosse players. Not only would the quality of play improve, but players could spend more time being ambassadors of the game.

- I would be remiss if I didn't mention that the MLL was founded by legendary meathead Jake Steinfeld, of "Body by Jake" fame. Try not to let that ruin it for you.

Reasons to care:
This is a pivotal year for the MLL, as it will face direct competition next summer. Recent dialogue between the league and the Players Council give hope that all parties will be able to work together and elevate the sport while remaining its premier league. Then again, perhaps the second league will weaken the game's solidarity and divide fan interest.

On a larger scale, lacrosse is America's oldest game, invented by Native Americans, but what is the future of the sport? Are we witnessing the beginning of lacrosse's prominence or is the American sports landscape too crowded as it is? It would seem that the sport has the necessary ingredients to take off, but how far along is lacrosse in its development? And is the sport in good hands?

At any rate, its a unique and ongoing case study in the business of sports and one that Noob Sports will continue to keep an eye on.

-NJV

Upset of the Century

2006-06-01T17:23:00.000-04:00

[Editors Note: The Davis is a guest writer, and is writing exclusively for Noob Sports. He currently resides in the utopia that is Baltimore, MD., and is known for stealing SEL's "Lake Superior State University 1992 National Ice Hockey Champions" T-shirt, and hooking up with a 1 (on a scale of 1-10... and not the good side of that scale). Let the record show that this destroyed any chance of SEL getting one of his favorite t-shirts back.]

The good thing about being unemployed again is that I get to watch ESPN’s coverage of the spelling be for the 11th straight year. I have seen a lot of things in my day, from footage of the Miracle on Ice, The BoSox coming back from down 3-0 and Jammin’ Ice beating the Chicago Flames in 1999, but todays events had to be the biggest upset in the history of sports.

After cruising through the first six rounds of the Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee, this years crowd favorite, and all-around good guy Samir Patel was taken down after incorrectly spelling eremacausis in Round 7.

Let me put it to you this way: Eremacausis is such a fucked up word, that Microsoft spell check not only doesn’t recognize it, but also doesn’t even have any suggestions on what the word might be. (In case you were wondering, it means “a gradual oxidation from exposure to air and moisture, as in the decay of old trees or of dead animals.”)

After spelling adiaphorism, grandelle, intarsia, saponin, and thymiaterion correctly, fans were shocked to hear the bell signaling Samir’s exit. This not only is disappointing, it’s a travesty.

Samir had paid his dues, finishing second last year, and had one thing going for him that seemingly no one else in the competition had: he actually seemed like a pretty normal kid. Just because Samir went down before prime time, don’t be surprised to see ABC run a montage of his
career highlights at some point during tonight’s broadcast.

With Samir gone, its pretty much wide open, but Noobsports new pick-to-click has to be 14 year old Saryn "gas" Hooks. After spelling bombycine correctly in round seven, she appears to have the momentum to outlast the Indians and take home the belt.

- The Davis

Beer and Loathing at the Indy 500

2006-05-31T09:56:00.000-04:00

During our college years, the Noob Sports family and friends occasionally visited a delightful, dimly lit bar named Fricano's. Aside from having deliciously greasy pizza, Fricano's also featured the cheapest drinks in town; if memory serves correctly, a 7 and 7 would run you $2.50. For that reason, Fricano's was the perfect first stop of a night out downtown. On one such evening, we ended up chatting with two older, hillbilly couples at the table next to us. As the conversation moved along and the townies downed their Busch Light cans, we ended up talking a little sports. It turns out that they weren't much interested in the Pistons or basketball, and they explained why thusly: "It ain't a sport if it ain't got wheels."

Personally, I've always wondered why a perfectly reasonable human being would ever willingly follow or watch auto racing. I just don't get it. The cars go around the same track hundreds of times, only making left turns, and it would seem that the engine matters more than the driver. Not to mention, the fans are a bit of a turn-off, as you are fifty times more likely to see a Rebel flag t-shirt in the crowd of a race than at any other type of sporting event.

Of course, I've noticed that motor sports are clearly becoming more and more popular across our great nation. These days, I can't drive to my local grocery store without seeing a Tony Stewart or a #3 sticker (race in peace, Dale) on a pickup truck. I can't watch Sportscenter without seeing some little dude throw his giant helmet at another little dude who ran him off the road. I can't pick up my Sports Weekly (formerly Baseball Weekly) from the mailbox without reading about Jeff Gordon (this has been responsible for a mini-fit every week since they started covering NASCAR). And I've never understood any of it. In fact, I absolutely hate it.

It wasn't until this past weekend that I finally decided to see for myself what the world of motor sports has to offer. On Sunday, I found myself situated in the infield along Turn 3 at the Indianapolis 500 in Speedway, Indiana. I was one of over 300,000 people at the race, making it easily the largest sporting event I had ever attended. Tickets for the infield were only $20 and fans are allowed to carry in coolers full of their favorite beer. Let me repeat that: fans are allowed to bring in as much beer as they can fit into a 14" x 14" x 14" cooler (easily enough for a case). This is a far cry from the $7 beers sold at Comerica and Wrigley. So far, so good.

After an extensive hike (not much fun in the already hot and humid day while carrying 24 beers, ice, and water), we reached Turn 3 around 8:30 AM, giving us 4 and a half hours of pre-game drinking. I couldn't believe how many people had already set up on the infield, playing bean bags and grilling. Soon after, the beer bongs were out in force and going around the horn more than a few times. Immediately, I realized that the beautiful Danica Patrick was the crowd favorite. As soon as the first beer cans were empty, our group began placing them in the chain link fence, spelling out "Danica 16." Soon after that, it was time to break the seal.

It was in the bathroom that I reached my first epiphany about racing. In the graffitti above the trough, there was scrawled several anti-NASCAR rants, most not fit to print. I asked my buddy Brandon, who was my gracious host for the trip, what the deal was. Apparently, IRL fans look down upon NASCAR fans in much the same way that a Metallica fan might look down upon a Nickelback fan. Knowing that I was not alone in my disdain for all things NASCAR was encouraging. My guilt for attending an auto racing event was dissipating.

Back on the infield, a procession of marching bands was followed by celebrities (Ludacris, Johnny Drama, 'Melo, etc.) and beauty queens riding around the track, waving to fans who were too busy consuming to take much notice. The temperature rose quickly; this would be the hottest Indy 500 in the past 35 years, with a track temp. of well over 100 degrees. Through the sweat now running into my eyes, Lance Armstrong emerged in the Corvette Z06 pace car. Looking around, I noticed that almost every fan had a shit-eating grin on their face in anticipation. I was told that the start of the race would be the most exciting part... and it was.

The crowd was so loud that we couldn't hear the traditional start of "Lady and gentlemen, start your engines!" but by the buzz we knew that the cars would soon be headed our way. Since the actual race begins at full speed, the cars make 3 "warm-up" laps to build up speed. With Livestrong Lance leading the way, the Indy cars zipped past for the first time, turning slightly to warm up their tires. On the third warm-up lap, the cars were near their top speed of about 220 mph and were situated in 11 rows of 3. To see 33 cars in formation at 200+ mph is very fucking impressive.

On the first lap of the actual race, the whole crowd went nuts and beer was being sprayed everywhere you looked. The experience of the race is difficult to explain: everything was more exaggerated than I had imagined. The sound of the engines was incredibly loud, you could hear the cars before you could see them and you could only talk in quick spurts before the next racer came roaring past. The speed is equally hard to describe; there is just no way to put into words how quickly the cars are in and out of view.

Interestingly, unlike other sporting events, the results really don't matter to the fans at all. For most of the race, I would guess that most of the crowd didn't know and didn't care who was out in front. The early leader was Englishman, proud wearer of the Euro-Hawk, and 2005 Indy 500 winner Dan Wheldon. He was just flying. While the crowd hollered every time Danica made a pass, no one was too disappointed that she was never really a threat to actually win. As Marco Andretti held off Sam Hornish Jr. around Turn 3 on the final lap, we figured the race was over. It wasn't until Hornish's victory lap that we had any idea he had been able to pass around the back stretch, in the second closest finish ever at Indy.

So, have I been converted to motor sports? Not exactly, although I was pretty impressed. Do I hate myself for attending a car race? Well, you won't find me in any IRL fantasy leagues any time soon, but you will find me back on the infield next Memorial Day weekend. The best comparison I can make is to a Jimmy Buffet concert: not many people I know actually listen to Jimmy on a consistent basis, but almost anyone I know would jump at the chance to see him in concert because its an absolute party.

And so, thanks are in order to the guys at Fricano's (and Logansport, Indiana), but I must draw the line at the IRL. If I attend a NASCAR event, I have little doubt that the sports gods will send a rogue tire flying my way to strike me down in my hypocrisy.

- NJV

Sports Media Culture Crisis

2006-05-26T03:15:00.000-04:00

Those of you who follow our writing realize that most of the time we try to see the lighter side of things, write in a funny way, and generally have a good time with what we're doing. Occasionally we have to get serious, and this is one of those times. Psyche up, it's time for SEL to go on a rant...

As is my usual custom, I came home tonight and started reading almost every article on ESPN.com. Call me a loser, that's just how I roll.

I clicked on an article in the "voices" section of ESPN.com about the Duke Lacrosse team. Not surprisingly, I'm greated with the title "Lacrosse Culture Crisis: Play Hard, Party Hard."

Immediately, I'm upset. I realize that most readers of this article are already coming into it with a negative attitude towards the Duke Lacrosse team, and most likely the sport of Lacrosse in general. The title of the article is already reinforcing existing negative stereotypes.

The author, Greg Garber, is obviously trying to lure readers into his article by giving it a risque title, which leads the reader to think there will be some controversial material lying within. There are two things that REALLY piss me off here, and I'm going to address both of them. The first is the Lacrosse article itself, the second is Johnny Blowhards like Greg Garber and others of his ilk who are destroying the way we view sports.

Regarding the article: The author immediately puts the team in a negative light by saying that they "play hard, party hard." Can somebody please explain to me what the problem with this is? Why is it okay for a 30 year old to say they "work hard, party hard", but it's unnacceptable for a college athlete to "play hard, party hard"?

According to the article, Duke President Richard Brodhead (obviously packin heat) appointed Law Professor James Coleman to look into the history of the Lacrosse teams behavior. The President summarized the report thusly:

"The Coleman committee's report tells of a close-knit team that did well academically and excelled athletically but that was irresponsible in its repeated abuse of alcohol."

That sounds like a pretty accurate description of every single male varsity athletic team at the collegiate level in the country, guvna.

I can relate to this on a more personal level. I was a member of my schools soccer team for 4 years, and that description describes us very well. We were a very close-knit team that enjoyed great success on the field and off of it. We won numerous academic awards as a team, and carried a cumulative GPA over 3.3 for the entire 4 years I was in school. We were always one of the top teams in the country, and we busted our asses to get there. Most of us were also involved in a number of different extra-curricular activities.

When Saturday evening rolled around, it was time to let loose. We spent the entire week going to class, going to practice, doing homework, taking tests, training, playing matches, and maintaining personal relationships with our friends and significant others off the field. A lot of pressure builds up during all of this, and our way of coping with said stress was to party like fucking rockstars.

Admittedly, there were times when we became 'irresponsible with our repeated abuse of alcohol', but that usually ended with 5 AM public readings of Harry Potter novels and a trip to the 7-11 for a quick stoney treat. However, we all looked out for one another, and did our best to keep from doing too many stupid things that would get any of us, or our team in trouble (this could also be attributed to the differences between a DIII team at a small Christian school and a bigtime team at a prominent D1 University... who knows).

I'm sure there are hundreds of other athletic teams just like us at colleges all over America. This is not a culture crisis, this is the culture of Collegiate Athletics in America. These athletes aren't getting paid (with the obvious exception of athletes at THE Ohio State University), and most of them are busting their ass to receive a quality education that will further their careers. The gross majority of collegiate athletes aren't going on to play professional ball, so they take their time spent in college seriously.

I also realize that I have probably pissed off a number of readers. There will always be naysayers who believe that College Athletes cause too much trouble, and take away from the academic experience, and even those who feel school and sport should be mutually exclusive. I understand and respect this opinion.

However, I also recognize that there is something to be said about the type of college athlete described here. As an employer, would you rather hire somebody who excelled in the classroom, excelled on the athletic field, had extra-curricular activities, liked to tie on the occasional buzz, got in a little trouble, and managed to escape college in one piece... OR somebody who had an outstanding GPA but spent their free time studying and staying out of trouble? My guess is, unless you're an accountant or write computer code for a living, you would go with the former.

And why not? This potential employee shows that he can perform well under pressure in multiple facets of his life. It shows that he can multi-task, and budget his time wisely. It shows that he can set goals and bust his ass to achieve those goals. It shows the ability to play within a team setting, and work with your teammates towards achieving excellence (Note: this isn't gender specific. To save time, I referred to the athlete as "he", but it could just as easily have been a "she". Title IX baby!).

The people that criticize the lifestyle of the "college athlete" are the same people (usually broads) who spent their entire college life inside their dorm room, reading and studying and checking out their myspace page. These are the same people who, when the weekend would come around, would feel depressed because they realize the highlight of their weekend was trying to find a partner to play board games with. These are the same people who are now in their late 20's/early 30's who live in the suburbs and realize that up to this point they have lived a meaningless existance, and the prospect of turning things around doesn't look to great. These are the same kind of people who spend their time sitting around eating bon-bons and watching Oprah, lamenting the fact that the "College Athlete" they despised so much during college is now living a much better, much more successful life. These are the kind of people who get pissed off at those thoughts, and are starving for attention, so they try to get back at the current collegiate athletes by saying that there is a "culture crisis" and start crying for immediate and harsh reform and punishment. I hate these people. Fuck these people.

Deep breath. Okay, I'm better now.

I'd like to take this time to point out that I'm not defending the Duke Lacrosse team here. I don't know what happened at the party, I wasn't there. If any rape or racism occurred, I don't support that at all. It is reprehensible, and it is my sincere wish that the violators be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. However, this is America, and we're supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. So, until this whole situation is resolved, I'm going to wait to pass my judgment. I want to reiterate that I do not condone any violent action towards women, or any type of racism whatsoever towards any minorities (For the record, racism towards anglos are fine. Kill all the white man!).

Moving on.

I think we're dealing with a much larger problem here than college athletes and people who hate them. The bigger problem is the Sports Media Culture we find ourselves surrounded by these days.

I was talking to my buddy Loomis tonight, and we were both commenting on the shocking decline of "Sportscenter" over recent years. I've been entertaining many thoughts on this subject for a long time, and I know I'm not alone in this.

It's tough for me to hate on Sportscenter. After all, I was raised on this show. I used to wake up every morning before school, turn on sportscenter, go huddle inside my super-huge sleepshirt over the heating vent in the floor (because my house was always balls cold in the morning), and just soak in the sports. This was back in the good ole days, back when Sportscenter consisted of highlights from many different games, many different sports, good statistics, funny commentary, and occasional good insight.

Now? I turn on Sportscenter and find myself not caring about Barroids latest 0-4 game in his pursuit to pass The Babe. I see a show trying to create entertainment by bringing in "experts" to debate issues where there aren't issues to debate at all. I find myself getting dumber as I listen to A.J. Pierzynski blather on about God knows what on the "Budweiser Hot Seat." I get pissed off when that fat-ass Chris Berman, who obviously doesn't care anymore, goes through the highlights screwing up scores, stats, and peoples names... only to humor himself by giving another athlete another worthless nickname. I watch in horror as Barry Melrose and his mullet are getting less and less air time, because people apparently don't care about hockey anymore, and they would rather tell us about the NFL draft 3 weeks before it starts. By the time the "Coors Light Cold Hard Facts" rolls around, I'm rocking back and forth with a shiv in my hand muttering something about shanking Burt 'Be Home" Blyleven.

Don't get me wrong, there is still some hope for Sportscenter. Scott Van Pelt, Neil Everett (Bartender... Jack... Solo!), and even John Anderson provide good coverage, speak eloquently, and don't try to make themselves the center of attention for every highlight. These guys are the future of the show, I only wish "the show" had a future as bright as the anchors.

Sportscenter isn't the worst of it either, it's just the beginning.

We live in a time now where many Americans get their sports news from watching talking heads on Around The Horn and reading crazy, controversy sparking articles written by Johnny Blowhards like Greg Garber and Jay Marriotti. These shows and articles are much less about sport, and much more about entertainment. They try to create a controversy, try to make a story out of nothing, and they try to make everybody on there have a strong, over-the-top and ludacris opinion on the 'hot topics' in sport (these opinions easily swing from one end of the spectrum to the other from day to day, and of course there is no accountability for anything said on the shows). I understand why the networks and the authors of these articles do it: it generates ratings, the more people that watch/read it the more interested advertisers are in advertising, the more interested advertisers are the more money is generated. In the words of Wu Tang Financial: "Nowadays we all know that money is everything. Green, get the money, dolla dolla bill y'all."

(For the record, I love Around The Horn. I just don't let it shape my opinions about the sports world, and I make a conscious effort to dig a little deeper and examine the sports and stories that I'm personally interested in).

These shows and these articles have started to change sports culture... in my opinion for the worse. Now, if the Mavericks lose game 1 at home, all of a sudden everybody is talking about "Can the Suns sweep?" "Are the Mavericks overrated?" "Do the Mavericks have an answer for Steve Nash?" "Are the Suns the greatest team of all time?"

Our sports world has digressed into coming up with a top 10 list for every occasion (apologies if I'm being too Simmons-ish here). We are force-fed bullshit questions like "is this the greatest NBA playoffs of all-time?" We have to sit there and take the newest "Here is the list of the 10 best buzzer beaters of all-time." As soon as a game ends, all the analysts and experts inevetably get into shouting matches over whether this was the greatest of all-time, or worst of all-time, or biggest choke job of all-time, or if this team was overrated, or if that team is playing the worst they've played all season.

Quite frankly, I'm sick of a lot of it. I don't want my sports delivered to me in 'extremes'. I don't want to waste my time watching two men argue about who was the greatest home run hitter of all time. I would love it if I could get my sports scores, with some highlights, with some stats, with a little analysis and a dash of commentator wit. I'd love to read more articles where the author goes in depth and uncovers some great truths about the sports and the athletes, and doesn't try to spark controversy, jump to immediate and life-changing conclusions, and get people all excited over nothing.

For some reason, I don't think I'm alone when I say any of this...

Back on the Horse

2006-05-25T10:49:00.000-04:00

The weather here in the 'burbs of Chicago today is gloomy, wet, and sticky. The humidity is just enough to make you think about turning on the air conditioning before you remember the clouds and the rain showers. Basically, it's the kind of weather I hate. And yet it is still shaping up to be a beautiful day. So, you ask, what could cheer up such a depressing day?

I'm back in the game.

I've reloaded my account at my online sports book and I couldn't be happier. This afternoon, while at work, I will fire up ESPN's GameCast and follow wagers on the early baseball games. Tonight, I will have a rooting interest in the 'Stons-Heat game although I'm a through and through Laker fan. This weekend, while at the Indy 500 in, uh, Indy, I will be cheering for Danica Patrick at 10-1 odds. Gambling can make any sporting event more intense than a leg pressing contest with Pat Robertson.

Now, you might have noticed that I said "reloaded." That's right, my first go 'round with online sports gambling ended somewhat badly. Of course, things started off extremely well. During the first week, I rode the Lakers and the Bulls in regular season NBA action and doubled my money. Soon after, I started experimenting with parlays and teasers and well, things quickly went south. There is a reason that bookies offer these bets: the odds heavily favor the house. The temptation of tripling or quadrupling your initial bet on a 3 team parlay or of adding 6 points to your wager is much harder to resist than the non-gambler might realize. It seems like easy money. However, if you make even just a few of these bets it can catch up with you quickly. After a few weeks, Vince Young finished off my dwindling stack at the Rose Bowl.

So why is making a comeback to sports gambling NOT a terrible decision?

1. We aren't talking high stakes here. Think slightly north of the usual amount wagered between Mortimer and Randolph Duke in "Trading Places."

2. The money wagered is a small price to pay to jack up the intensity of the games I'm going to watch any way. For example, I know literally nothing about car racing but am attending the Indy 500 to enjoy the spectacle and the boozing (more on this after the weekend). Regardless, I'll probably throw a ten spot on a car just so I have someone for whom to cheer. This is money well spent, in my book.

3. No more parlays and teasers under any conditions. I'll be much better off sticking with several individual bets than going all or nothing on those same games.

4. My bookie is not Rick Tocchet.

5. I respect the Noob Sports jinx and will not tempt the gods by making public predictions against the spread.

6. It's fucking fun.

-NJV

Go Buckeyes!

2006-05-25T05:31:00.000-04:00

Have we mentioned how much we love THE Ohio State University? I could have sworn this was my buddy Wampies, but I don't think he'd be caught dead in an OSU sweatshirt... but maybe it's part of the disguise. (Thanks to Deadspin and Every Day Should Be Saturday)

But I'm Le Tired

2006-05-24T11:22:00.000-04:00

Jinx or no jinx, this has to be written about. The Pistons have been sucking some serious goat balls recently.

I flat out don't understand it. After playing like they can in games 1 and 2 of the Cleveland series, they have gone into an offensive shell, and don't look like they're coming out anytime soon.

Last night, they were given the HUGE gift of both D-Wade and Shaq getting into foul trouble. Wade didn't play most of the second or third quarters because of fouls, and only played 27 minutes total. Shaq also saw limited time as he racked up early fouls.

The Pistons that I'm used to seeing, that I've lived and died with for the last 3 years, would have smelled the blood in the water and gone for the jugular. When Wade picked up his 4th foul early in the third, I thought it was over. I expected a big run out of the Stones, scoring almost every trip down the floor, and completely clamping down on the defensive end.

What happened? They got lit up by Gary Payton. Ugh.

I can't quite place my finger on it, but something is definitely wrong. It's not a lack of effort or intensity, as they have plenty of both. It's not a lack of motivation, because they lost in game 7 last year, and Sheed definitely wants his WWF Championship belt back (he's sick of only having the Intercontinental belt). It's not poor defense, because they seem to be hustling and helping out pretty well.

There are three things I have noticed that I think are problems:

1) Almost a complete lack of a sense of urgency. By this, I mean that the Pistons seem complacent to walk the ball up the floor EVERY FUCKING TIME. When Detroit runs, they're tough. When they force a bad shot from the other team, grab the rebound, and push it, they can usually make a couple swing passes and find somebody wide open. For some reason, 6 games ago they stopped doing this. They don't get into the transition offense at all, and their half court offense has been pretty weak.

2) Call timeouts at appropriate times. My goodness, I've seen shades of Larry Brown in this series. I still remember last year in the NBA Finals against the Spurs, there were two seperate games (I'm positive one was game 7, I think the other was game 5... although I could be wrong) where you could feel the momentum shifting from the Pistons to the Spurs. They had hit a couple of shots, we were giving away dumb turnovers or making bad shots, and the crowd was getting into it. I was sitting at home, calmly saying (interpret: screaming as loud as I can) "Call a timeout!". Well, hotshot LB refused to call a timeout, and both times the Spurs went on a 10-0 or 12-0 run. Both games were decided by less than that.

Last night, I could feel the same thing happening. The Pistons were up 5, and they gave up an easy hoop to the Heat. It was in the third quarter, and The Diesel and Dwyane were both on the bench. The Pistons had been playing lazy, and seemed uninterested. I said, "please Flip, call a timeout, and remind your players that they should be CRUSHING the heat right now."

What happens? The Pistons take a poor shot, the Heat gain possession and find Antoine Walker (who used to be a woman) who drains an open 3. Next possession, we give the ball to Lindsay Hunter (abort!), who promptly turns it over, and the Heat push it again, this time to James Posey, who hits a 3. A 5 point lead quickly turns to a 3 point deficit, and the Heat never looked back.

I'm sitting in Boulder, Colorado, over 1,300 miles away from The Palace in Auburn Hills, and I could tell things were about to go badly. Why can't Flip, or any of his players for that matter, sense the same thing? Just call a timeout, gather the Throops, remind them to play smart offense and good defense, and none of that happens.

3) Can somebody please explain to me why we don't run Richard Hamilton a curl route of a double-screen for a 10-18 foot jumper? I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this play works 100% of the time... and the Pistons have completely stopped doing this.

Rip is the best medium range jump shooter in the history of the game. You all know the play that I'm talking about... he starts in one corner, comes off two screens set by Ben and Boogeyman Wallace, catches the ball, and shoots. Cash. Or, he can pump fake and drive. Or, he can elevate and screen and roll with either of them.

This play is SO effective, and the Pistons used to do it so well. I haven't seen it done in the playoffs once this year. Is there a reason we stopped doing this? Can somebody please explain it to me?

I might just be a sour Pistons fan, mad because we lost game 1 on our home court. But it seems so easy to fix some of the small stuff, and so easy to get the Pistons back on track like they know how to play. When they play smart on both ends of the floor, and play with a sense of urgency, they're UNSTOPPABLE. I just wish Flip and Co. would find a way to get them to play like that again.

(And if the Jinx God's are still reading our website, I'd like to officially say "Go Heat! Dwyane Wade is unstoppable and won't get hurt! Gary Payton will continue to play like he's 25 years old! Nobody can stop Shaq! The Heat should kill Detroit in game 2! Go Heat!!!)

Noob of the Week (5/23)

2006-05-23T09:34:00.000-04:00

Noobs of the Week:
Apparently, we are surrounded by idiots. Yesterday, ESPN's Sports Nation asked its readers who they would consider the true home run champion if Albert Pujols hit 62 homers this season. The choices were Pujols, Roger Maris, Mark McGwire, and Barry Bonds. While one could argue for the inclusion of Babe Ruth as an option since he played shorter seasons, the answer is clearly Barry Lamar Bonds. 73 is the home run record, no matter how much steroids get your panties in a bunch. There is a very, very high likelihood that Bonds did use steroids during the 2001 season, but until the allegations are proven his record stands. The same is true for McGwire's numbers. However, almost half of the Sports Nation voted for the Great Pujols. Shocking.

It is amazing to us how the steroids scandal has become such an important issue to so many people. We fans barely think twice about the dozens of athletes who beat their girlfriends and get DUIs every year, but we just can not get over the cream or the clear. My own father gets upset at me when I tell him that I'm sick of hearing about what Bonds allegedly put in his body. The scandal has inspired lawyers, authors, and politicians to raise their voices against steroids in baseball as they attempt to benefit from the public outcry.

The reason for this outcry, at least we hope, is that steroid use affects on-field play and therefore it could potentially affect the integrity of the game. Nevermind that pitchers have been doctoring the ball since the game began, or that more pitchers have tested positive for steroids than hitters, or that homers are up in this "steroid-free" season (it's amazing how many pitchers seem to have lost 3-4 mph in velocity the last couple years). There are admitted spitballers in the Hall of Fame (Don Sutton, Don Drysdale, Jim Bunning, and Gaylord Perry) and in our Congress (Bunning, an outspoken critic of steroids in baseball).

Logically, if the stats of Bonds and McGwire are to be ignored or if they are to be kept out of the Hall of Fame, its only fair that the same happens to pitchers who cheat. Spitballs and stolen signs are performance enhancers too. If you don't take away Norm Cash's 1961 stats for admittedly using a corked bat, how can you remove Barry Bonds from the record book when he's never been proven to have done anything wrong? How about some consistency?

Now, we don't like Barry Bonds and we are not giving him a free pass. Bonds might die in 10 years from abusing his body, but we are just sick of people, on TV and in our daily lives, getting all hot and bothered about record books and asterisks. Why are so many fans personally offended by someone breaking a record? Is it any surprise that a 40 year old allegedly tried to get a competitive edge in a league where more than half of the players allegedly were doing the same exact thing? Did the country not unite and follow the Home Run Race of 2000, starring Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa and brought to you by Balco? There is not an excuse for performance enhancing drug use, but didn't we all enjoy its fruits? Do we hate Barry because we're feeling a bit guilty as well? (I can't wait to hear the comments on this one.) All of this just makes it seem like things have gotten away from us, we've lost perspective. As we beat this issue into the ground, it has become a bit of a witch hunt. Honestly, the witch hunt doesn't bother us as much as the constant discussion.

Anyway, the only type of "scandal" that baseball takes seriously is gambling and/or throwing games, just ask Pete Rose. So let's agree to stop talking about steroids until the case is closed. It's hard to imagine that the stats of anyone from the steroid era will be officially struck from the record books, and that's really all anyone cares about: not about people or due process, but record books. Hopefully, this is the last you will hear about steroids from Noob Sports for a very long time, noobs.

-NJV

Double Standards, Kidnapping, and Broads On Ice!

2006-05-22T12:03:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about this during halftime of the Pistons/Cavaliers game 7, and I'm glad The Daily Dime mentioned it: there is a total double standard for Kobe and LeBron, and the way the announcers/media talk about the two of them.

Much was made about Kobe's game 7 second half performance... the announcers during the game were wondering why he wasn't showing up, why he wasn't carrying his team. For the next 2 days, all the talking heads on ESPN (Rome, ATH, PTI) were saying that Kobe choked, that he didn't have the killer instinct, that he can't lead his team to victory like Jordan.

Then LeBron has his chance. Game 7, down by 2 at halftime against the mighty Pistons, the chance to begin writing his legacy... and what does he do? Total choke job. King James was destroying the Pistons in the first half by taking the ball to the hoop, and dishing when it wasn't available. In the second half, he went 1-9 from the floor, and 7 of those shots were jumpers. In my eyes, a total bed-shitting.

Were the announcers putting the screws to LeBron? Were they saying he's not as good as Jordan? Were they saying he was the reason for his teams collapse? Will the talking heads on ESPN be talking about the chicken bone caught in his throat for the final 24 minutes of the game? No. The announcers continued to smoke Lebron's pole, showing highlights of him during this series, talking about everything great he has done for this Cleveland team, and how special it was that they took the Pistons to 7 games. That's crap.

That's all I'm going to say on this subject... I'm sure the Kobe Apologist (Nate) is already firing up his waaahmbulance in Chicago and will have much stronger opinions about this than me. Let me reiterate - I am NOT a Kobe fan. I think Kobe Bryant is a two-faced, back-stabbing Douchebag Rapist who should be putting up triple-doubles in a California Penal League while giving his fresh fruit to the Squirrelmaster and taking it up the Hershey Highway from Bogs and the Sisters.

Having said that, I think there is a double standard when the media compares Kobe Bryant and LeBron James.

Moving On.

Here's some more cheerful news: A CFL Kicker has Vanished on the way to his new team!

Duncan O'Mahoney (actual name), a 29 year old kicker who was on his way to Winnipeg to join his new team, The Blue Bombers, has straight up dissapeared.

Since he didn't fly through the Bermuda triangle, there are only 2 reasonable explanations - (1) Alien abduction, (2) Kidnap.

As far as Alien Abduction goes, I'll let Dave Chappelle explain: "Aliens are real, we've known about them for years. [They're] responsible for most of the significant technological advances in the last few decades. That's right; cell phones, Playstation 1 & 2, all of it. Some may have mistaken the accomplishments for the work of the Japanese, but it was definitely [Aliens]." It is very likely that O'Mahoney was abducted by Aliens, and that sucks for him.

However, there is also a chance he was kidnapped. Kidnapping goes on all the time, especially in Central and South America; in fact it's one of their proudest traditions! This has recently transferred over into the Sports World, with many family members of Soccer players, and more recently, Baseball players being kidnapped. It's a fool proof plan. Kidnap the family, hold out for a ransom, get paid. Simple.

Professional athletes know all about this. My boy 'Sheed, when talking about teammate Carlos Delfino - "Carlos ain't no punk, they kidnap people where he's from."

So, Duncan O'Mahoney might have been kidnapped by some crazy Canadian terrorists... it makes sense. A kicker is a great target. They aren't very strong, won't put up much of a fight, but they still get paid at the same time. I'm not sure about CFL kickers, but NFL kickers would be a great target... and, quite frankly, I'm not sure why Mike VanDerJagt hasn't been kidnapped yet.

Anyway, when we find out more about the dissapearance of Duncan O'Mahoney, we'll keep you updated.

Moving on...

Thank you to The Mighty MJD for this video - this just confirms my suspicions: Nobody slings lip like Hockey players, Nobody.

Go Cavs!

2006-05-19T14:53:00.000-04:00

I don't believe in curses... but I am a very superstitious person. I'm not OCD superstitious, but I do a lot of little stupid things to make sure things happen properly in my life.

Back when I played soccer in college, I wouldn't shave the day before or of the game, I would always wear the same boxer-briefs and socks for every game, being careful to put my right sock on, then my left, my right shoe on, then the left, tying my right shoe, then the left. I would then put my shinguards on and tape my socks, being very careful to do the right before the left. I wore the same nasty shoestring to keep the hair out of my eyes every game.

Some of these quirks apply to my real life as well. When I wake up, all the numbers need to add up to "10" (for instance, I can wake up at 7:03 or 7:12, but not 7:37 or 7:51). I still put my right shoe on before my left foot, and when I sleep, the open end of my pillowcase needs to be on the right. I have done these little things my entire life, and so far I would have to say my life has been pretty great, so I'm going to continue to do these little 'superstitious' quirks to make sure things keep falling my way. Maybe a little strange, but that's just how I roll.

So when Nate mentioned to me that we have a "Noob Sports Jinx," my first reaction wasn't to laugh it off as a funny idea for an article, rather something that should be looked into. And you know what? The fucking guy is right. I don't want to get into it any further (for fear of reversing the jinx), but just take a look at our track record, both historically and recently... it's uncanny.

Having said that, I'd like to let you all know that we both personally feel the Cleveland Cavaliers will win the series against the Detroit Pistons, in either 6 or 7 games.

Bron Bron is just too good. We are all witnesses, and we will probably see him have career games tonight, and (if need be) Sunday night. The guy is just too money, and there is nobody on Detroit that can stop him. The Sports Guy alluded to it today, and I have to agree with him... LeBron is going to have an epic night.

Another thing - The Cavs defense is just too much. They have held Detroit below 90 points the last 3 games. I'm positive this will happen again, and they will continue to keep the Pistons shooting at about 30%.

Those are facts people. The Cavs are the best team in the NBA, maybe even in the whole town. Add to the mix that superstars like Anderson Varejao, Eric Snow, and Ira Newble (Nooble?) are prominently involved, and it's a recipe for both immediate, and long-term success.

The Pistons don't have a chance. The Cavaliers will certainly win tonight, but if for some wild reason they don't, they will DEFINITELY win on Sunday afternoon at the Palace. I guarantee it.

The League of Extraordinary Champions

2006-05-17T12:58:00.000-04:00

Today's the day that the world (not necessarily America) has been waiting for: The Champions League Final between Spanish side Barcelona, and English side Arsenal.

For those of you who aren't familiar with what the "Champions League" is, here is my feeble attempt at descrbing it from a month ago: - If you're not into the UEFA Champions League yet, now is the time to be converted. For those of you who don't know (which is probably most of you), the Champions League takes the top 4 or 5 teams from about 12 of the top European soccer countries, and they play a World Cup-ish style league to determine who the Champions of Europe are.

Imagine there were 11 countries in the World that had leagues as good as the NBA. At the end of every season, the top 4 NBA teams would enter into groups of 4 teams... with the top 4 teams from these other leagues that are as good as the NBA. In the group stage, all 4 teams play one another twice, home and away. After that is done, the top 2 teams from those groups advance to a March Madness style bracket. At this point, it's not single elimination (until the finals), rather both teams play one another twice (home and away), and which ever team does better advance.

Well, today is the finals. There are no home and away legs, no games decided by away goals, just one game in the Stade De France in Paris to decide who the Champions of Europe are.

The game is being shown on ESPN2 at 2:30 PM EST (12:30 for those of us that live in the mountains). I encourage all of you to watch it.

The FA Cup final (which was AWESOME) played last Saturday, was an epic game, a 3-3 draw that went through two overtimes until the result was decided on PK's. Liverpool's hero Steven Gerrard scored 2 goals during the game (plus a PK in the shootout) including this cracker:

(I love watching that clip by the way, because the announcers just go "OOOOOOH!" when it goes in, then, like good Englishman, go on to call him 'son' in consecutive sentences. Abslutely Top Drawer!)

That match was full of excitement, near-misses, posts hit, and the fans going nuts. Todays game should be 5X as exciting.

You've got two of the top clubs in the world, who play two of the most attractive styles of soccer in the world. This should definitely be a "beautiful game". Both teams move the ball around the field so niecly, so fluidly, that even the most ardent soccer haters have to admit that it's fun to watch.

Add to the mix the fact that the worlds most potent offensive duo (Barcelona's Ronaldinho and Samuel Eto'o) will be going against an Arsenal side who have just set a Champions League record of 10 consecutive clean sheats (shutouts to you Nascar-loving Americans), and something has got to give... most likely in exciting fashion.

Both teams boast ridiculous star power all over the field. Up front for Barcelona you have inarguably the greatest player in world (Ronaldinho), while Arsenal have arguably the most exciting foward and best finisher in Thierry Henry (pronounced on-REE). In the midfield Arsenal has the clever playmaker of Fabregas, while Barcelona have "the next Maradona" in Leo Messi. Both teams have rock solid defenses and world-class keepers. This is one of the best Champions League matchups of all-time.

Also, single tickets are supposedly selling for $2,500, and they're in high enough demand that two masked robbers held a Paris City Council meeting hostage (insert requisite 'French-not-able-to-defend-themselves' joke here) to get tickets, but couldn't get any.

Anyway, enjoy the game, it should be a classic. If any of you are in the Boulder/Denver area, feel free to join me and a number of people at Rocky Mountain Soccer in Boulder (28th and Iris) to cristen their new 40" plasma TV.

Cheers!

The Noob Sports Jinx

2006-05-16T01:09:00.000-04:00

Noobies, we have a problem: lately, it seems we can't write about any of our favorite teams or players without jinxing the shit out of them.

Rasheed Wallace, our latest victim, didn't just fail to make good on his "Guaran-Sheed," he also sprained his ankle early in the game and finished with just 7 points on just 3-13 shooting. Of course, it could have been a lot worse. Wallace returned to the game ("I'm all right. Don't send me to the glue factory yet.") and unleashed another hilarious round of disrespect after the loss to the Cavs, saying "even the sun shines on a dog's ass." Ra went on to say "I ain't worried about these cats. There ain't no way in hell they beat us in a series." His postgame comments mark the first time I've ever smiled while watching ESPN News. Plus, he tried to kiss Chauncey Billups during a timeout appearance on the "Kiss Cam" at Gund Arena (fuck Quicken Loans). Classic 'Sheed.

Only Ra could fail to make good on a promise and still come out ahead in our book. Most haven't been so lucky. Others afflicted with the Noob Sports curse include Bode Miller, Chris "Sheletor" Shelton, the Los Angeles Lakers, the US Men's National Soccer Team, the Detroit Red Wings, Tommy Amaker, and Team Korea.

With that track record in mind, we would like to tell you how much we love the Chicago White Sox.

Our love for the Pale Hose starts at the top with GM Kenny Williams and manager Ozzie Guillen. These guys are true gentlemen. The way they've treated former franchise player types like Frank Thomas and Magglio Ordonez really speaks volumes about how classy Ozzie and Kenny are. Once on top, the Noob Sports family definitely supports bashing the guys who carried your team through leaner years. I plan on doing that to SEL if we ever start making bank. Ruining the reputations and spreading concern about the injuries of the players that you will someday want in your team Hall of Fame is just solid management.

Of course, it is their talent that we truly admire. Every decision these guys make turns out golden...well, at least since Kenny brought Todd Ritchie to the Southside. Ozzie goes through closers faster than Kenny hands out long term deals to starting pitchers, and there is no way either strategy could ever backfire.

On the field, the Sox are just as appealing. A.J. Pierzynski really symbolizes this team and we just can't get enough of him chirping at the opposition from the dugout. Although his brash and disrespectful attitude wore thin in both San Francisco and Minnesota, we're certain that he's a changed man. Plus, guys who make appearances on TNA Wrestling always earn bonus points with us. In no way do we wish serious injury upon him or the ridiculously hot Jim "Sock It" Thome.

On the mound, Jon Garland is a much better pitcher than his stats indicate. He easily could have won 20 games last year and this year's 6.75 ERA is deceptive. Throw out the 4 times he's given up 5 runs or more in a start this year and you have 3 pretty darn good starts. He'll be worth every penny of his new 3 year, $29 million deal.

Every good White Sox fan knows that the most entertaining part of every game is listening to Hawk Harrelson do the call. Appropriately, Hawk ignores large portions of the action so that he can instead tell stories about his playing days. Why talk about the game being played when Hawk can tell you who had the best pickoff move in 1965 or about the size of Carl Yastrzemski's nipples? His cheerleading for the "good guys" is especially entertaining. Man, this guy just never gets old.

For all these reasons, the Noob Sports family would like to make a guarantee of our own: the Chicago White Sox are going to repeat as World Champions this year.

-NJV

GuaranSheed

2006-05-14T23:19:00.000-04:00

Have I ever told you that Rasheed Wallace is my favorite player in the league?

Well, he is (he would be second if Fred Hoiberg was still around... may The Mayors heart make a full recovery). I love the way he plays, I love the white spot in his hair, I love the way he jokes around on the court, I love that picture of him with the flat-top, I love that he had a WWF-style belt made when the Pistons won the championship, and I especially love the way he talks shit.

"I know we're going to win it," Wallace said sitting on the scorer's table following Sunday practice at Quicken Loans Arena. "We're going to bust their ass. Tomorrow night is the last game here in this building for this year."

Ra!!!

Haha! When the boogeyman talks, y'all better listen. There aren't any other players in the league who consistently guarantees winning games like Rasheed. It's a joy everytime.

Don't believe me? Witness this: everytime 'Sheed has gone public and predicted a playoff victory, the Pistons have responded with one.

"You have to go out there and play even harder and get a win for him." Richard Hamilton said. "We have to have his back, do what we do, and get a win."

Hopefully the 'Stones do what they do and get a win on Monday night.

"Y'all can quote me, put it back page, front page, whatever," Wallace said. "They can send whoever they want to send. I know the crew I think they're going to send. But it don't matter. I know we can do it, and they know we can do it. We know what we've got to do."

How funny is it that Rasheed says he "knows the crew he thinks they're going to send"? Uh, I also think I know the crew they're going to send, 'Sheed. I'm pretty sure it's going to be the same "crew" as last time.

How can you not love Rasheed? He has the goofiest grin/grill in all of sports, does a pretty good job of backing up his bold claims, and he can play. He went from being a me-first type player, only worrying about his stats, to taking a back seat, more team-oriented roll with the Pistons. He may not be putting up the stats he used to, but his team is much better because of him.

With that being said, let me direct you to one of my favorite website: The Elevatorman's Unofficial Rasheed Wallace Home Page. That's just pure gold. Highlights:

- Tried to psych up his teammates by yelling, "Let's go out and play like we're Chicago on NBA Jam."

- In his first few weeks as a freshman at UNC, he walked up to a student in the Granville cafeteria and asking that student if he would please fill up his glass of Coke. It should be noted that Ra was within a few steps of the Coca-Cola machine when he asked the question.

- At Duke game in Chapel Hill during his first NBA season, as freshman Vince Carter, struggling to get playing time, was just trying to concentrate on the game as he walked to the scorer's table, Rasheed yelled to him, "VINCE! VINCE! I know you hear me! You better look over here or I'm gonna slap you upside the head!"

So thank you, Rasheed, for another guarantee. To be honest, it's been too long since your last one. Everybody loves it everytime, regardless if you're right or wrong. But now, it's time for the Pistons to go back to work and win game 4 of the series. Remember... Ball Don't Lie!

Meltdowns!

2006-05-12T12:31:00.000-04:00

Honestly, there aren't too many things we can think of that are much funnier than a quality meltdown. The best man getting bombed at a wedding and giving a slurred speech, the Badger getting a DUI at 2 in the afternoon with a .34 BAC, Courtney Love at any awards show, and recently Rick Sutcliffe during Wednesday nights San Diego Padres game:

There is so much genius in this video, I don't even know where to begin. First of all, there are Budweiser advertisements behind home plate, plus the Padres are playing against a team called the Brewers.

Some great personality sightings, including the immortal Matt Vasgersian, who you may remember from XFL fame, and being the voice of MLB 2006. It's great how Sut keeps asking Vasgersian what the hell he's still doing in San Diego, and Vasgersian keeps trying to steer the conversation in a different direction.

Probably my favorite part of this is the Bill Murray references. I can just see Bill Murray in the back of the booth, equally drunk, trying to pull Sut away from the announcers so they can have another drink. Can't you just imagine Rick Sutcliffe taking a big bong rip, and Murray standing right there with a bottle of liquor, handing it to Sut going "Cannonball coming!"?

When asked about his daughter going to Harvard medical school, Sutcliffe responds: "Come on man, why's that surprise you.... man, look at me, all the conversations we've had..." Pure genius.

- In other meltodwn news, one of Noob Sports favorite people, Probable Steroid User Aaron Rowand thought it would be a good idea to superman into the outfield wall face first. Here's the result:

Broken nose! Gotta love the effort, though.

Rumor has it that Rowand had complained before the season that the outfield wall didn't have enough padding, and apparently the Phillies are planning on adding extra padding... next week. Oh, the irony!

I'm interested to see if Rowand's broken nose heals faster than other broken noses, which will obviously be an indication as to whether or not he's still on the juice.

The State of the Chicago Scrubs

2006-05-10T12:33:00.000-04:00

Things are getting a little heated on the North Side of Chicago these days, and I'm not talking about Vito Spatafore visiting the Man Hole. Before beating the Giants 8-1 last night, the Cubs had dropped 8 games in a row and are now in fifth place in the NL Central, 6.5 back from the Cincinnati Reds. Wrigleyville is getting a bit restless, and rightfully so.

Their offense has been pathetic, scoring just 52 runs in 19 games since Derrek Lee's injury, a measly 2.73 per game. Their team ERA is a mediocre 4.52 and control issues are plaguing their pitchers. Led by Carlos Zambrano's 33, Cubs pitchers have given up 142 walks in 289 innings. After some quick research on MLB.com, I found that number to be the second highest in the league, trailing only the Florida Marlins, who probably would be more at home in the International League rather than the NL.

There is plenty of blame to go around on the North Side, but after attending games at Wriggles and speaking with friends who bleed Cubby blue I've found that most of their spite is being directed at manager Dusty Baker. The most popular criticism is that he's too much of a player's manager and doesn't get after his players to perform better. The truth is that Dusty Baker is a very good manager, but his team has been HAMMERED by injuries. My only question about Dusty is how he keeps from swallowing his toothpick in the dugout. He has an array of tricks and moves with that toothpick that seem borderline dangerous. Anyway, he should be re-signed to a 2 year deal regardless of how the Cubs finish the season.

Everyone knows that his 3 best players are on the DL in Lee, Mark Prior, and Kerry Wood. Free agent signee Wade Miller is also rehabbing, so the Cubs could have 3 fresh, although questionably sound, arms become available over the next 2 months. Obviously, the Cubs desperately need Lee back in the middle of the lineup, but he will be lucky to be back by July. So, with their most valuable player out until after mid-season, where do the Cubs go from here?

There are almost 130 games remaining on the schedule, but if the team stands pat then the return of their injured stars will be too little, too late. Wood and Prior can not be counted on to make it through even a half season and I have a bad feeling that Lee will be out until August. Aramis Ramirez is their only threat to eclipse 30 homers and Maddux isn't as good as his 5-0 start. In order to win their division, the Cubs would need to pass defending NL Champion Houston Astros, the Great Pujols, the up-and-coming Brew Crew, and the upstart Reds. This would be tough enough to do with their 3 best players in the lineup for a full year.

If the Cubs still hope to contend this season, they need to make a major move. Roger Clemens, the most obvious star player available, won't happen. He's expensive, won't be pitching until June at the earliest, and the 'Stros would never let him go elsewhere in the division. Barry Zito's name continues to surface in trade rumors, but the Mets are the front runners for him. Billy Beane is in no rush to trade Zito and will probably wait it out until Rich Harden returns or the Mets offer up Lastings Milledge. Names that have been connected to the Cubs of late include Kevin Millar, Mike Sweeney, and Doug Mientkiewicz. None of these guys figures to make much of a difference. If there were any way to convince Milwaukee GM Doug Melvin to trade within the division, Carlos Lee (contract year) might be a good fit. A trade of Matt Murton and Rich Hill might work and Lee would look great in the middle of the lineup. Unfortunately, Melvin is not inclined to deal with the Cubs and "El Caballo" won't be saving the Cubs offense this year.

Since the prospects of adding an impact player don't look good, perhaps the Cubs should go the opposite route and deal a player or two from the group of Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Todd Walker, or Juan Pierre. The Cubs would target major league ready talent and perhaps would find their second baseman of the future or a premier young starter. This idea probably doesn't appeal to GM Jim Hendry, but if his team is 10 games below .500 in June or July, it will be his best option.

Of course, Hendry could have saved himself from this mess by investing more money in player salary this offseason. The Cubs actually lowered their payroll this offseason, even after adding more bleacher seats to Wrigley Field. The Tribune Company makes tens of millions of dollars in profit on the franchise every year and their payroll should be in the top 5 in MLB. There is no excuse for this, and Cubs fans have every right to be upset. While a lot of this mess has been caused by injury, an extra $10 million would have gone a long way towards strengthening the team. Perhaps the team could have signed or traded for a better outfielder than Pierre or Jacque Jones (Torii Hunter or Johnny Damon?) and the offense wouldn't be so lost without Derrek Lee. Instead, the Cubs might once again be waiting 'til next year.

-NJV

Noob of the Week [5/9]

2006-05-09T11:58:00.000-04:00

This weeks Noob of the Week award goes to a group of people, rather than an indivual. Team Dow High West brings home the award for their uber-noobish display Saturday morning.

Members of Team Dow High West include myself (SEL), Gruberville, El Corro, Volk Face, pseudo-member Carlton, plus two members making the trek out from Michigan, Titty-bar and Daddy.

Friday night started off great, with a nice Gov's Park dinner, a Rockies game, and plenty of drinks. The Rockies game was especially fun, considering the fact that we were giving Preston Wilson a VERY hard time in left-field for the Astros. Between the incessant "Wilson!.... Wilson!!!..." chants, there were such gems thrown out such as "take out the corn cob, you'll be able to walk easier" and "probable steroid user Preston Wilson!". Preston was a good sport about it, acknowledging us a couple of times, so a fun time was had by all. It was made even better by the fact that the Rockies won, a ridiculous 9th inning where Brad "I'm a total dog" Lidge walked home the final two batters, including the winning run with the bases loaded. This of course led to a string of very uncomfortable double high-fives with everybody around us. Afterwards, we went out and celebrated cinco de Mayo in Denver....

Now here's the thing about drinking: if you drink too much in one evening, you wake up the next day with what's called a "hangover". Well, Team Dow High West certainly did plenty of the former, and the inevetable latter caught up with us as soon as we woke up. Let's just say we were in the major hurtbox.

That Saturday was Boulder Kinetics, an event put on by KBCO which is basically the party of the year. It's held at the Boulder Reservoir, and is an absurd event where people make these machines that race across water, then across land... but is basically an excuse for people to hang outside all day getting drunk and/or stoney. Plus the John Butler Trio was playing there, and they put on a sick show.

We had FREE TICKETS to the event, and were pretty pumped up for it. Needless to say, we had a slow start to the morning, struggling to put down breakfast, and risking death until we got some Jamba Juice, which saved our lives. We make the half hour or so drive from Denver to Boulder, only to find out when we get here that tickets say "Gates close at Noon". We didn't believe it, but sure enough, our roommate when over there and called us and said "gates are closed, you can't get in."

The award is given to this group of Noobs because we couldn't get our acts together before noon on a GORGEOUS Saturday. To put matters in perspective, that evening we grilled out at my place, making some killer burgers. Titty-bar, who I have never, ever, under any circumstance, seen turn down a meal, opted out of dinner because he was still feeling poor from the night before. We tried making up for it with another solid Saturday night performance on Pearl St., but the fact remains that we were total Noobs.

Honorable Mention:

- David Blaine! I got suckered into watching this nonsense for about 2 hours last night, full of David Blaine's self-promoting magic tricks, including one where he takes a girls teeth out of her mouth with his fingers, puts them in his mouth, then spits them back into her mouth, where they're apparently stable. He was trying to break the World Record for holding his breath underwater (8:58), but came up about 2 minutes short.

Wah. If you're going to make me sit through that much garbage television, with Stu Scott announcing, at least break a world record. If it wasn't for Team Dow High West, David Blaine would totally be Noob of the Week.

(And for the Record: No, I do NOT feel bad about actively rooting for a man to drown voilently on national television.)

-SEL

Suddenly, I'm a Huge Nascar Fan

2006-05-05T13:16:00.000-04:00

To be fair, I've never liked Nascar. I don't consider it a sport, and I think it pales in comparison to other racing leagues (like F-1, Indy Car, and even go-kart racing). On the "SEL scale of things he will be found watching on TV", a Nascar race sits right above those crazy uber-conservative Christian Televangelist shows where they release the devil from certain "random" members in the crowd, and right below a preseason WNBA exhibition game. Let's just say the chances of me even discussing Rusty Wallce or Jeff Gordon on any given weekend are minute.

Nascar is a stupid sport for stupid people, of which 95% of fans reside well below the Mason-Dixon line. Hell, both my parents are from Texas and speak with serious southern accents, but even they realize that Nascar sucks.

And yet... I think I may be slowly becoming a fan. Check this out:

According to ESPN.com, "one lucky fan is going to have his or her name on the Nextel Cup Series race at the Richmond International Raceway in Richmond, Va."

AWESOME

First of all, thank you to Crown Royal for having this competition. They are the current sponsor, and I think this is an ingenius idea. For now, the race is tentatively called "The Your Name Here 400 presented by Crown Royal" until the Daytona 500, when a grand prize winner will be chosen from a pool of 10 finalists. How sweet would it be to see the "Steve Lepper 400 presented by Crowl Royal" on Sportscenter? Personally, I think that keeping it "The Your Name Here 400" would be hilarious.

I'm interested to see how much creative control Crown Royal will give the winner of this competition. If I were them, I would let the winner be 100% flexible, and let them include any nicknames, or slogans, or whatever they wanted. The funnier the better.

Here are some ideas I have come up with:

Mike Piazza - "The Brokeback 400"

Randy Moss - "The Straight Cash Homey 400"

Nate VanHeest - "The Tripod 400"

Chris Kaman - "The Man-Bag 400"

Either Baumbach - "The Shithead 400"

Michael Vick - "The Ron Mexico 400"

Dick Cheney - "The Satan 400 presented by Halliburton"

Dave Chappelle - "The Tyrone Biggums 400"

Raja Bell - "The My Parents Didn't Huge Me Enough As A Child 400"

This Broad - "The Bat-shit insane 400" (please watch this video... "we've had many nutty people on this show over the years, you are as mean, and as sick, and as cruel, as anybody we've ever had on this program." Outstanding)

Fred Hoiberg - "The Mayor 400"

Nicole Richie - "The Pull The Trigger 400"

Marcus Vick - "The Pull The Trigger 400"

Barry Lamar Bonds - "The Clear 400"

Sean Paul - "The Yeah-Yeah 400"

Edgar Stiles - "The Edga Thtyles 400"

Tommy Amaker - "The Amateur 400"

Vito Spatafore - "The Johnny Cakes 400"

Chris Berman - "You're with me, Leather 400"

John Daly and Charles Barkley - "The Put Your Money on the #3 car, Trust Me 400"

The possibilities are endless. I think this is a great marketing idea for Crown Royal. Who doesn't love this idea? And why don't other sports copy this with names for their playoffs, or even stadium names? Please, Crown Royal, give the winner full creative control, you have nothing to lose.

Any readers out there who would like to add their own ideas in the comments section please do so.

This Is How a Heart Breaks

2006-05-04T13:05:00.000-04:00

- The NBA is back. The first round of the playoffs has exceeded expectations in almost every way imaginable, unless you are a Carmelo Anthony fan. The Clippers finally won a playoff series, LeBron James is hitting clutch shots, Kobe Bryant is playing unselfishly, and Raja Bell is putting together a tryout tape for the WWE. It's too early to tell, but the NBA has the right mix of Hall of Fame caliber talent (Kobe, LBJ, Dirk Nowitzki, Elton Brand), elite teams (Pistons and Spurs), upstart teams (Lakers and Bulls), interesting characters (Ron Artest, Kobe again), mediocre players raising their games (Andres Nocioni, Bonzi Wells, Kwame Brown), physical play, and close finishes to start bringing back the fans in significant numbers.

The league has always promoted its star players, but fans are responding to the intensity that has been present in every game. Perhaps this is because the star players all have something to prove: Dirk and Steve Nash have to prove they can win in the playoffs, Kobe has to prove he can win without Shaq, Shaq has to prove he can win without Kobe, LBJ is doing it for the first time, and Chris Kaman is just trying to keep his man-bag in one piece. And of course, all of them know that in order to secure a legacy in the NBA, you need to win in the playoffs (just ask Patrick Ewing). It is leading to some riveting basketball as this has been called the greatest first round ever.

Hopefully, the first round has softened the resolve of those sports fans who believe the NBA isn't worth watching since Jordan retired. At any rate, here is what to look for during tonight's games as 3 teams face elimination:

- Raja Bell deserved to be suspended for Game 6, as my understanding of the league rules is that any intential contact above the neck is an automatic suspension. However, as a Laker fan, I have to agree with Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant who hoped that Bell would play in Game 6. The Laker fans would have shown no mercy towards Bell and his battle with Kobe would have been must-see TV. Instead, we are left with a fairly entertaining war of words. Bell has called Kobe pompous and arrogant while Kobe has stated that he has "bigger fish to fry than Raja Bell" and speculated that perhaps Raja didn't get enough love as a child. Advantage, Mamba.

Despite being up in the series 3-2, tonight's Game 6 is a must win for the Lakers and they know it. Kwame Brown, who is under investigation for sexual assault (by the way, he has not even been interviewed by the police, does that make any sense?), put it this way: "We don't want to go back to Phoenix." Brown played well in Game 5 but could not provide Phil Jackson with enough minutes because of foul trouble. He has to continue to set aside the distractions, stay out of foul trouble, and provide an inside presence tonight. If he can, the Lakers will advance and play the Clippers in the "Hallway Series" at the Staples Center.

- I am still waiting for Vince Carter to tea-bag Scot Pollard; I hate that guy. Even if he doesn't posterize Pollard, he can win the first playoff series of his career tonight in Indy, as the Nets lead the series 3 games to 2. It has to be pretty disappointing to Pacer fans that Peja Stojakovic has been hampered by a knee injury while Jermaine O'Neal is hampered by the flu. It also must make them sick to know that Ron Artest could be absolutely shutting down either Vin-sanity or Richard Jefferson. I picked the Pacers initially, but now it really doesn't appear that they have any gas left in the tank. The worst news for Pacer fans? Larry Bird is probably going to trade Jermaine O'Neal this summer.

- The Bulls have played better than expected and have a chance to even the series against the Heat tonight in Chicago. Andres Nocioni, who has always been a fan favorite here in Chi-Town, has played magnificently and is averaging 22.8 ppg and 9.6 rpg in the series. He has been their catalyst. The Bulls will also need Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich to combine for 50 points or so, which they are certainly capable of doing. If the Bulls are lucky, Dwyane Wade's hip will have tightened up since Game 5. Of course, Wade just proved that there IS truth in advertising as he recovered from that nasty spill to carry the Heat to victory ("Fall down 7 times, get up 8"). This is the front end of TNT's double header tonight and it may be every bit as entertaining as the Suns-Lakers nightcap. Let's root for a Game 7.

-NJV

US World Cup Roster Thoughts

2006-05-03T10:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Das Bruce went on Sportscenter and announced the 23 players that will be representing the 4th ranked soccer team in the world at the 2006 FIFA World Cup. Here's our roster:

Goalkeepers

Hahnemann, Marcus Reading (England)
Howard, Tim Manchester United (England)
Keller, Kasey Borussia Moenchengladbach (Germany)

Defenders

Bocanegra, Carlos Fulham (England)
Cherundolo. Steve Hannover 96 (Germany)
Conrad, Jimmy Kansas City Wizards (USA)
Gibbs, Cory ADO Den Haag (Holland)
Hejduk, Frankie Columbus Crew (USA)
Onyewu, Oguchi Standard Liege (Belgium)
Pope, Eddie Real Salt Lake (USA)

Midfielders

Beasley, DaMarcus PSV Eindhoven (Holland)
Convey, Bobby Reading (England)
Dempsey, Clint New England Revolution (USA)
Donovan, Landon Los Angeles Galaxy (USA)
Lewis, Eddie Leeds United (England)
Mastroeni, Pablo Colorado Rapids (USA)
O'Brien, John Chivas USA (USA)
Olsen, Ben DC United (USA)
Reyna, Claudio Manchester City (England)

Forwards

Ching, Brian Houston Dynamo (USA)
Johnson, Eddie Kansas City Wizards (USA)
McBride, Brian Fulham (England)
Wolff, Josh Kansas City Wizards (USA)

Eleven of these players apply their trade in the MLS, while 12 players are based in Europe. Not a bad mix, and it speaks very highly of the 10 year old soccer league in the United States. While it hasn't gotten a ton of publicity, and isn't near the forefront of the minds of the American sports fan, the MLS has more than done its job of helping to deepen the National Team Pool. It's not a top tier league like the Engligh Premier League, the German Bundesliga (Nate's favorite word in the world), or the Italian Serie A, but the MLS has served it's purpose well for American Soccer, and continues to grow and be profitable every year.

Looking at this roster there are some surprising additions, and some notable players left off. It's relatively shocking to see Brian "cha" Ching on the roster, as most experts (myself included) didn't give him much of a chance of making the team. Ching is a big body who eats up space up front, and although his MLS season has started off strong, he is very unproven on the international stage. Almost everybody predicted that Taylor Twellman would get the nod over him (more on that later).

Another surprising addition is Jimmy Conrad. He was named MLS defender of the year last year, but has looked very unsteady wearing the National Team jersey, capped off by his shocker against Germany. I like Conrad, and he writes for ESPN.com, so I'm fine with the pick.

A lot of people were surprised to see that Greg Berhalter wasn't on the 23 man squad, but not this guy. Berhalter sucks. Badly. He does have experience, he plays in Germany and is captain of his team... but if you've ever seen him play, you will know that he has no place being on any World Cup roster.

I was really surprised to see Taylor Twellman left off the team. Twellman was the best player in MLS last year, and plays with passion. Although I wouldn't see him starting, he is exactly the kind of guy I want coming off the bench if we're down a goal and desperately need to score in the last 15 minutes. Looking at the roster, is there any player who can provide that to us? Josh Wolff? Let's get serious. I think this is a glaring omission by Bruce, but I trust his judgment anyway.

Other thoughts:

- It's always dissapointing to see Eddie Pope named to the U.S. squad. I'm convinced that I'm a better defender than he is right now, and anybody that has seen either of us play in the last 2 years will agree with me.

- Outstanding to see my man Johnny O'Brien on the team. Yeah he's only played 8 games in the last 3 years because of injury, and yeah he's injured again... but he's the most talented and most creative player with an American passport. If JOB is healthy, he should be starting and controlling the midfield for us.

- I've heard that Das Bruce is thinking about using a 4-5-1 formation for the World Cup. That sounds like a total disaster, remember when we tried using the 3-6-1 in the '98 World Cup? That turned out well.

Noobie, Noobie, Noob (5/2)

2006-05-02T01:11:00.000-04:00

Noob of the Week:
Just when you thought an athlete couldn't possibly handle his money worse than Darren McCarty, John Daly comes clean. In the final chapter of John Daly: My Life In and Out of the Rough, Daly confesses that he has gambled away $50-60 million. Sixty million dollars!!!! Setting aside the surprising fact that Daly has actually made that much money in his golfing career, it's still hard to fathom that anyone could be that much of a noob. We might go easier on the guy if he was losing his shirt gambling at the roulette wheel, the craps table, or with Wayne Gretzky's wife. We can understand how the excitement of those games might be addicting, especially craps; in fact, the Noob Sports family once paid for an entire weekend in Windsor after a HOT hand at the dice game. Big John, however, lost his millions sitting next to your grandma at the slots. Believe me, awarding "Noob of the Week" honors to a man with the nickname "Long Shaft" is hard (pun intended) but we have no choice. This is the biggest mishandling of $50+ million since Dave Chapelle split the country.

Noob Sports Domination of the Week:
The Minnesota Twins came to Comerica Park last Friday and had a worse weekend than Matt Leinart. The Tigers outscored the Twinkies by a combined score of 33-1 over the three game series (9-0 , 18-1, and 6-0) and were outhit 47-15. If there is any solace for Ron Gardenhire, it is that the Twins, like the Tigers, have two great pitching prospects on their major league staff. As you already know, the Tigers have probable multiple Cy Young Winner Justin Verlander in the rotation and flamethrower Joel Zumaya in the 'pen but the Twins can answer with the slightly inferior tandem of Francisco Liriano and Scott Baker. Unfortunately for Minny, their prospects might not be as advanced. On Saturday, Verlander tossed 7 innings of one run ball as Liriano came out of the 'pen to give up 5 runs and 8 hits in 3 innings. OK, so maybe there isn't much solace for Gardenhire after all, at least in 2006.

Noob Sports Best Draft Pick of the Week:
Tough call on this one. I have a man-crush on Jimmy Williams and think he could be a shut-down corner for the Falcons. The Patriots schooled the league again by adding Laurence Maroney and Chad Jackson. The Eagles snatched up Winston Justice a pick before the Lions in Round 2. However, LenDale White might have been the steal of the draft for the Titans. White is going to have a chip on his shoulder after sliding into the second round, meaning that motivation and work ethic will not be a problem. Surprisingly, I also was impressed with LenDale during the interviews he gave to the ESPN crew before and after his selection. He had a sense of humor and didn't seem too rattled by the day's events. And let's not forget that LenDale once went in on a practical joke with USC head coach Pete Carroll that culminated with a dummy wearing his #21 jersey "jumping" off a building to the horror of his teammates. Plus, he's tight with Snoop Dogg. Needless to say, we'll be rooting for him.

Noob Sports Worst Draft Pick of the Week:
The Bills selected Donte Whitner at #8 overall and it wasn't their worst choice of the weekend. Later in the first round, Buffalo traded up to land NC State DT John McCargo, a player projected to go in Round 3 or so. So to sum it up, the Bills passed on the two best DTs in the draft to reach for a safety, then gave up additional picks to get a DT who might have been available for them later in the draft if they had stood pat. Interesting strategy...

-NJV

I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!

2006-05-01T12:05:00.000-04:00

I know it's getting a little "YouTube-y" around here lately, but this is too much to pass up. Noob Sports reader Ben from NYC passed this our way, and it's too good NOT to show immediately.

If you ever watched the X-Men cartoons growing up, this makes for splendid entertainment. Even if you didn't, this is still out of this world funny. Enjoy, this should make your Monday easier to get through.

*** Warning: Graphic content and gratuitous use of profanity... watch at your own risk****

Detroit Lions Draft Picks, Day 1

2006-04-30T01:18:00.000-04:00

Round 1, Pick 9:
Ernie Sims (OLB, Florida State)

- The Positives:
After Paul Tagliabue announced that the Lions had taken Sims, ESPN showed his highlight package from Florida State. Although I was initially disappointed by the announcement, the highlight reel immediately revealed his explosive hits and closing speed. All the experts are comparing Sims to former FSU weakside linebacker Derrick Brooks. Marinelli refers to Ernie as a "collision hunter."

According to Rotowire, Bill Belichick considers Sims a top 5 talent, which is very reassuring. Belichick's stamp of approval on your draft pick is comparable to Nate Dogg singing the hook on your rap song. It's almost guaranteed that the player/song will have some success.

The reports on Sims say that he is very intense, which is a trait that the Lion defense could most definitely use. The ESPN Draft Magazine compares Sims to Ian Gold.

- The Negatives:
With Michael Huff off the board, we really thought that the Lions should trade down in the first round or take the best player on the board, Matt Leinart. This is a deep draft and picking up an extra Day 1 pick by trading down would have yielded an additional starter quality prospect. Sims just doesn't seem to have been a great value for the #9 slot and the Lions could have gotten a player of similar value later in the round.

Of course there is also the little problem of being a "collision hunter" while also being a bit under-sized: Sims has been concussed 5 times. This is pretty concerning to everyone...except Matt "Fire" Millen. When asked what a history of concussions says about a player, Millen said “The first thing that that tells me: the kid hits.” I'm no GM, but the first thing it tells me is that the player is one or two big hits away from calling it a career. With Boss Bailey and Teddy Lehman, can the Lions really afford another injury prone player at linebacker? It would seem this is only marginally preferable to taking another wide receiver with a questionable work ethic.

Finally, I don't know about anyone else, but I find it hard to completely trust the character of players from Free Shoes University.

- The Judgement:
The Lions get faster on defense but are unable to land a "can't miss" prospect despite picking in the top 10.

7/10

Round 2, Pick #40:
Daniel Bullocks (S, Nebraska)

- The Positives:
Bullocks fits the Marinelli mold for defensive players: a big hitter with speed. At 6'1 and 212 lbs with a 4.38 forty yard dash time, Bullocks is able to play either free safety or strong safety. Initially, new defensive coordinator Donnie Henderson will play the Cornhusker at free safety. Shares many strengths with first rounder Ernie Sims (speed, hitting, leadership and intensity); hopefully this will help Marinelli establish an identity for his young defense. Will stop the run and impressed at the Senior Bowl. The ESPN Draft Mag compares Bullocks to Michael Lewis of the Eagles.

(Randomness: I like Mel Kiper Jr. as much as the next guy, but every time Chris Berman throws it over to him he begins his analysis with the phrase "I think you talk about." For example, he might say something like "I think you talk about a linebacker who can play sideline to sideline." No Mel, I think you talk about a linebacker who plays sideline to sideline; in fact, I have video evidence to prove it. It's a bit off-putting when Mel keeps trying to guess what I'm talking about.)

- The Negatives:
The Lions were outmaneuvered by the Eagles and Falcons in the second round. Both teams moved up to select DB Jimmy Williams and OT Winston Justice immediately in front of the Lions. Both players were sliding after receiving first round grades and would have competed for a starting role in Detroit immediately. Jimmy Williams would have been a perfect fit in Motown, and its hard to believe that the Lions wouldn't have been better off giving up a mid-round pick or 2 to land Williams instead of Bullocks.

While he should be a starter within a couple years, it seems that Bullocks' ceiling is not very high. Scouts question whether or not he has the tools to be an elite pass defender.

- The Judgement:
Seems to be a safe pick who should be a solid contributor but doesn't figure to make any Pro Bowls.

6/10

Round 3, Pick #74
Brian Calhoun (RB, Wisconsin)

- The Positives:
Calhoun is a former track star who had 1636 rushing yards, 571 receiving yards, and 24 total touchdowns in 2005. Having watched him in the Big Ten, where he was highly effective, I liked how he ran with a bit of style and personality. His receiving skills mean that he will eventually serve as a third down back, where he should be a great complement to Kevin Jones. Calhoun also can return kicks and might be able to play some slot receiver as well. He provides valuable depth behind Jones and KR Eddie Drummond. Mike Martz has another weapon in his arsenal.

- The Negatives:
Kevin Jones is set as the feature back in Detroit with Shawn Bryson and Artose Pinner previously next on the depth chart. If I remember correctly, Pinner was a Mariucci pick so this might be a sign that 'Tose is on his way out. Pinner hasn't impressed in the NFL and doesn't fit Martz's offense well. There aren't enough roster spots for everyone.

The Lions have a lot of holes so upgrading at RB might have been a bit of a luxury. The Lions still need an OT, OG, LB, CB, and possibly DT and are without their 4th round pick.

-The Judgement:
I really like this pick. Martz will find ways to get Calhoun the ball and he's a threat to take it to the house on any touch. Offensive line depth is a must on Day 2.

8/10

-NJV

Thank You Gatorade

2006-04-27T18:32:00.000-04:00

You've probably seen all of Nike's "Joga Bonita" commercials on TV, which are outstanding. Yesterday I saw the new Gatorade commercial, and it sent chills down my spine. From the raucous Central American crowds that are almost breaking down the Yanks locker room, to the "take me out to the ballgame" song, I think this is awesome. Admittedly, I am a huge US Soccer fanatic, but even if you're not this might get you pumped up for the world cup:

Also, for the record, Nate hasn't had functioning internet at his house for the last 2 days. Tell him to pay them bills!

Nash-ville Star, Season 2

2006-04-26T11:57:00.000-04:00

Reports say Nash earns the NBA MVP award. That's pretty interesting dude. I can't think of anybody else off the top of my head that deserved it more... besides Kobe, Bron Bron, Dirk, and Chauncey.

I need a couple of days for this to set in for me to write more about the subject, but this just does not seem right to me. The reason Nash won last year is because there were no other quality candidates. This year, there are many.

You can't make the statistics argument, because both Kobe's and LeBron's stats this year were SIGNIFICANTLY better than Nash's.

If you try to make the "well it's a most VALUABLE player" award, and the player has to be most valuable for their team... I just don't buy that. Yes Nash was valuable to the Suns, but would Chauncey Billups have had different results running point for the Suns? Probably, but I wouldn't see them being much worse.

I would also go as far to say that Kobe was much more valuable for the Lakers, Dirk was much more valuable for the Mavericks, and James was much more valuable for the Cavs, than Nash was for the Suns. Take any of those 3 players away from their teams, and their garbage. The Lakeshow are nothing (I mean NOTHING) without Kobe, the Cavs blow without Lee-bron, and the Mavericks aren't nearly as good without ze German. I think that's where Chauncey loses out in the MVP argument, because take him away, and the 'Stones are still a very good team. Take Nash away? I still think the Suns are a very good team.

Like I said, I need a few days to think about this (or to see if the early reports are correct, the MVP isn't announced for a few weeks so this could all be worthless blathering) and let it set in. However, Wikipedia already has him listed as MVP, and they're NEVER wrong.

So, I guess congratulations are in order for the former college soccer all-American (true story). Congratulations Steve Nash on your back-to-back NBA MVP awards. The only other players to accomplish this feat are: Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Moses Malone, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, and Tim Duncan. You can now add Steve John Nash to that list.... wow.

- Uhh, I don't believe in jinxes or anything, but there's something fairly crazy going on with what we write on Noob Sports and the adverse affect it has on Detroit Sports teams. Any ideas how we should change this? Should we just stop writing positive stories about our favorite teams? Should we stop mentioning them by name? Help us out here... if the, uh, basketball team that plays in Detroit loses tonight, something is very, very wrong with what we write on here.

- Maybe it's just me, but I find this to be really, really funny.

Noobie, Noobie, Noob (4/25)

2006-04-25T11:34:00.000-04:00

Noob of the Week:
It's less than a week before the NFL draft and Brett Favre still hasn't notified the Packers as to whether or not he will retire. Sure, he's a future Hall of Famer and he's earned some slack, but Favre's attitude irks us a bit. The Packers aren't going to cut him and have no option but to wait him out until his new deadline of July 27, unless they want to risk mutiny amongst their fans, and he knows it. He's really hindering his franchise, but his retirement indecision isn't the reason we are awarding him Noob of the Week honors. Last week, Favre piped in his 2 cents on the impasse between the Tennessee Titans and Steve McNair. McNair is locked out of the Titan facilities until his contract has been renegotiated, and Favre voiced his support for his fellow QB. Is Favre right that McNair deserves better? Absolutely, but contract disputes are part of every day life in the NFL and Rule #1 among players is that you NEVER get involved with other people's money or contracts.

In McNair's case, Favre is at least trying to help a fellow player. Last summer, Favre threw a teammate under the bus. Javon Walker was coming off of a breakout season and threatened to hold out for a contract extension. Of course, Favre weighed in on Walker's holdout. He called out Walker and ruined any chance he had at public support for an extension. Guess what? Javon was injured catching a wounded duck Favre tossed in the first game of the Packer's regular season (against the Lions). He did not play another game in 2005 and is now demanding a trade out of Green Bay, presumably because he can't stand Favre. (Am I just bitter because Javon's injury crippled my fantasy football team last year? Definitely.) Favre earns Noob of the Week for not being able to keep his nose out of other people's business or his name out of the headlines. Grow up, noob.

Noob Sports Question of the Week:
Last Friday, I called my buddy, and world's biggest Cubs fan, Derek to discuss the state of the Cubs after Derek Lee's injury. After tossing around cheap trade targets like Matt Stairs, Dougie Baseball, Hee Seop Choi, and Carlos Pena, the conversation turned to the Cubs pitching staff. When I asked if Greg Maddux's then 3-0 start was for real, he said "I think if he took off his shirt, he would have more illegal substances on his body than Eddie Harris from 'Major League.'" Sure enough, during Sunday's start against the St. Louis on Sunday, the home plate umpire came out to the mound and checked the ball not once, but TWICE, at the request of Jim Edmonds and other Cardinals. While the ump didn't find anything unusual about the ball and Maddux went on to win his fourth game of the season, the fact remains that Maddux has some sick movement on his pitches right now. As usual, Maddux has been pitching to contact but his cut fastball is darting off the plate in such a drastic way that we can't help but wonder. So the question of the week remains: is Greg Maddux scuffing or "loading up" the baseball?

Noob Sports Wine of the Week:
If you are in the mood for a good laugh, look no further than this article on athletes and their wines by DJ Gallo. An excerpt: "Michael Vick's wine would be captured with this: 'One of the most anticipated wines in recent memory when it hit the market in 2001, it has often failed to live up to expectations. Rumors claim its troubles stem from being tainted by diseased Mexican grapes. The next Vick vintage is said to be even worse.'"

Noob Sports NFL Draft Sleeper of the Week:
Kalamazoo native Greg Jennings is rising quickly up the draft board. The 5'11 wide receiver from Western Michigan caught 98 balls for 1,259 yards and 14 TDs in 2005 and might find himself selected on Day 1. He had 3 consecutive thousand yard seasons and is currently ranked behind only Chad Jackson, Santonio Holmes, and Sinorice Moss by guru Mel Kiper Jr. at his position. The scouting reports say that he is a competitor with good route running skills but that he is not a true home-run threat. MAC players have enjoyed success in the NFL recently so look for him to be taken as high as Round 2.

Noob Sports Announcement of the Week:
The Noob Sports family is really enjoying fantasy baseball this year and would like to heed the suggestion of our readers to feature a "Fantasy Baseball Mailbag." Obviously, for this to work we need your help. If you have questions about players, potential trades, or anything related to fantasy baseball please email your fantasy questions to noobsports@gmail.com. Thanks, noobs.

- NJV

Detroit Sports Report

2006-04-24T12:09:00.000-04:00

Detroit Tigers - Yesterday (Sunday), we saw a matchup of two of the games brightest young pitching stars: Felix Hernandez and Justin Verlander. King Felix threw a great game (only 1 earned run and 9 K's in 7 innings), but couldn't stick with Verlander. Said Curtis Granderson of Verlander: "I'm glad Verlander is on our team so I don't have to face him.... he looks like he has an edge in this game -- and he's only 20 years old." I didn't have a chance to see the game (apparently nobody in Detroit did either, as their new TV deal blows goats), but it sounds like J.V. was bringing it. He hit 101 on the radar gun in the first inning, and 100 MPH a couple other times.

Detroit went on to win the game 6-4, with "Only the Lord saves more than" Todd Jones picking up his second save on the year. The Tigs improve to 12-7, a record that, if you asked any Tigers fan before the season, they would love to see. They're also 10-2 on the road, their best road record to start a season since 1984... I ain't sayin, but I'm just sayin.

Detroit Red Wings - Since nobody cares about hockey anymore, we'll do our best to fill you in. The Wings have been given the #1 Seed in the West, and match up against the Edmonton Oilers in the first round.

A pushover right? Wrong. Of the 5 games the Wings and Oilers have played this year, 4 have gone to OT. That's what happened in the first game, with the Wings prevailing in overtime.

Game 2 was yesterday, with the puck dropping at 11 AM Mountain time. I had spent the night in Denver Saturday night, and woke up at my friends' place on Sunday morning, quite hungover. This problem was solved quickly, and after a morning "attitude adjustment" and a trip to Jamba Juice, everything in the world was right again. We got back just in time to see the Wings play.

Dwyane Roloson stood on his head for the Oilers, making 33 saves and holding the Wings to only 2 goals, when they easily could have scored 5 or more. The Oilers evened up the series with a 4-2 victory, making this now a best of 5 series. Stevie Y almost scored the goal of the playoffs, beating a couple of Oilers and getting the puck on his backhand while falling, only to see his shot nick the post.

However, there was a pretty crazy series of events, at least as far as we were concerned. With Detroit leading 2-1 midway through the 2nd period, my buddy Gruberville got up to "take the Browns to the superbowl," if you will. During that time, me and my buddy El Corro were laying on the couch in the living room, and witnessed the Wings give up 2 goals within a minute of one another. Gruberville finished up his business, and returned to the living room no less than 2 minutes after he left, and looked at the scoreboard and just calmly said ".... what?". Our only response was "yeah", and he finished off our monosyllabic conversation with "oh." We then watched the rest of the game, as the Wings couldn't find the net.

It's not time to worry yet Wings fans, this was just a bump on the road to the Stanley Cup.

Detroit Pistons - My hero, Bill Simmons, has repeatedly tried to jinx the Pistons this year. Every NBA column he writes he mentions how crazy it is that none of the Pistons "Big 5" have gotten injured.

Well, his jinx almost worked Sunday, with NBA 3 point percentage champ Richard Hamilton going down with a sprained ankle. As Pistons nation held it's collective breath, the news turned out not to be nearly as bad as the announcers made it out to be. The X-rays came back negative, and Rip should be fine for Wednesdays game. Flip Saunders said that if the game was close (which it wasn't), that Hamilton would have been fine to re-enter the game.

The stones won the game 92-74, led by the boogeyman, Rasheed Wallace, with 22 points. 4 players scored in double figures, and the Pistons showed why they are still the best defensive team in the league, holding the Bucks to 35.6 percent. THE Ohio State University grad Michael Redd led the Bucks in sucking with a 4-15 performance.

[For the Record, when Nate says he chooses the "Marathon over the Madness", he is speaking for himself, not for both of us. The problem with writing for a website with two equally opinionated writers, is that sometimes the readers mix up our views. Personally, I agree with the comments people made that Nate "clearly likes men," and he's a "homo." I think March Madness is 5X more exciting than the NBA playoffs. I still enjoy the NBA playoffs, especially when them 'stones are playing, but it doesn't hold a candle to March Madness.]

-SEL

Random Observations - Lakers vs. Suns Game 1

2006-04-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

Openly biased thoughts about Sunday's action in Phoenix...

- The most obvious conclusion to be made from Game 1: Tim Thomas is motivated entirely by money. Thomas, who went 8-9 from the field for 22 points and also snagged 15 boards, had a great postseason once before and it resulted in a maximum dollar contract (6 years, $67 million). It just so happens that the Villanova product will be a free agent this summer (by the way, he left for the NBA after his freshman season). Is this coincidence or could Thomas be a complete dog who only lives up to his potential with dollars on the line? Let's put it this way: the Bulls, who have needed big men all year, sent Thomas home because he was out of shape and didn't give full effort in practice. On Sunday, the announcers stated he was "having the game of his life," as he posted up and hit 3's like he was Dirk Nowitzki. If Phoenix doesn't re-sign Thomas, the team who does sign him this offseason will undoubtedly be disappointed when he resumes dogging it next fall.

- Luke Walton, Smush Parker, and Kwame Brown played excellent games, combining for 48 points. Kobe was less assertive than usual throughout this game and these guys thrived. However, the Laker bench only contributed 11 total points while Phoenix reserve Leandro Barbosa chipped in 15 points alone. With Chris Mihm hurt, Phil Jackson might be better off sending in assistant coach Kurt Rambis than scrubs like Devean George and Jim Jackson. This looks to be a close series and the Lakers might lose this series because their bench is that shocking.

- Tom Petty is the new minstrel of the NBA playoffs. Deadspin is skeptical, but anything is better than Rob Thomas or the Black Eyed Peas. Still, there is a 99% chance that "Running Down a Dream" will be forever ruined for all of us by June. Does anyone know how the NBA arranges these theme songs? Is Tom Petty getting paid or does he just hope to benefit from the exposure?

- Steve Nash is not fun to look at from close range. From a safe distance, he's great to watch dribble and run around, but stay away from his interviews where they pull in tight on his mug. He looks like he doesn't have enough skin to cover his skull. That shit is pulled taut.

- The first time the "American Inventor" commercial ran I kept waiting for the punch line. The over-the-top dramatics made me honestly think it was one of those Geico commercials where the newly wed couple wins their dream house, except its too small. "American Inventor" is a real show??? Who watches this crap?

- With 6 minutes left in the game, the Phoenix fans started chanting "Kobe Sucks!" Kobe responded by immediately taking his man to the rack for a lay-up. He scored 10 points in the final minutes but did not get the call after being raked across the face by Thomas. If you watched the game, you saw the bump develop on his head so we all know that the refs clearly missed this one. Instead of being bitter, I am going to point out that the Tigers swept the Mariners today behind Justin Verlander's 7 innings. Nice work fellas.

- After Steve Nash canned a 3 with a minute left to put the Suns up 6 points, Hubie Brown chirped "in your face!" Thanks for rubbing it in Hubie, don't you have a coaching job to quit? The Lakers lose 107-102, but have shown that they might be able to hang with Steve Nash and Co. If not, and the Lakers are going to get eliminated in Round 1, at least it will be to a team that is enjoyable to watch (except during interviews).

-NJV

Reader Appreciation

2006-04-22T15:31:00.000-04:00

The Noob Sports family would like to offer a token of our appreciation to our loyal readers. Our roots grow out of Michigan and therefore much of our readership lives in the Great Lake State and roots for the Detroit Pistons. If you meet this criteria and would like to attend a Piston playoff game, we've got your hookup. A college buddy of ours, Paul, now works for the Pistons and has offered his connections to readers of Noob Sports. He has access to a limited number of tickets for Game 2 against the Milwaukee Bucks, tipping off on Wednesday April 26 at 7:30 PM EST. The game is sold out, so if you are interested in purchasing tickets at face value, feel free to give Paul a call at (248) 374-4076 or email us at noobsports@gmail.com and we will contact him on your behalf. If you're lucky, he will even tell you the story of how he cock-blocked TNT sideline reporter Craig Sager last year after Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

We can't say it enough: thanks for reading.

-The Noob Sports Family

Best Western

2006-04-22T14:27:00.000-04:00

Previewing Round 1 of the NBA Western Conference Finals...

(1) San Antonio Spurs vs. (8) Sacramento Kings - In addition to the Kings, the Maloof brothers own a Las Vegas casino and love to gamble. Their latest gamble has paid off handsomely in the form of the Tru Warier. Ron Artest's defensive presence helped the Kings rally from a disappointing start but it won't be enough to top the Spurs in a 7 game series. While we fully expect Mike Bibby to have a couple 25 point games, the Kings have no answer for Tim Duncan. Congratulations are in order for Shareef Abdur Rahim who makes the playoffs for the first time in his 10 year career.
The Pick: Spurs in 6

(2) Phoenix Suns vs. (7) Los Angeles Lakers - It's impossible not to admire what Steve Nash has done for Phoenix in the last 2 seasons. It would be crazy not to mention Shawn Marion in any discussion about the most well rounded players in the NBA. Boris Diaw came to Phoenix in the Joe Johnson deal (along with 2 first round picks) and might have improved more than any player in the league. The coaching style of Mike D'Antoni can't be praised enough, and the job he has done this year without Joe Johnson and Amare Stoudamire is especially impressive. Guess what? Kobe Bryant doesn't give a shit.
The Pick: Lakers in 7

(3) Denver Nuggets vs. (6) Los Angeles Clippers - Despite the seeding, the Clippers are the better team. They even tanked a regular season game so that they could avoid the Mavericks and face Denver, who they beat 3 out of 4 times during the regular season. Elton Brand is now a dominant player and he is surrounded by effective role players (Cassell, Kaman, Mobley, Livingston, Radmanovic). Mike Dunleavy will need a healthy Corey Maggette make Carmelo Anthony work harder than he wants to. This is 'Melo's chance to show the world that he is a superstar and premier clutch player, but it won't happen. If the Clips can limit the Denver fast break, look for another Los Angeles upset.
The Pick: Clippers in 6

(4) Dallas Mavericks vs. (5) Memphis Grizzlies - Would you bet on a team that starts Chucky Atkins and Jake Tsakalidis? Me neither. Dallas is the heavy, heavy favorite in this matchup and should cruise to the second round. Having said that, it will be interesting to see if Pau Gasol can carry over the aggresiveness he has shown this year into the postseason. If he does, and Shane Battier can slow Dirk Nowitzki, the Grizz have a chance to make the series closer than I expect it will be.
The Pick: Mavericks in 5

-NJV

Choosing the Marathon over the Madness

2006-04-20T11:42:00.000-04:00

Finally, the NBA Playoffs are upon us. Before we preview the first round, let's get something out of the way right now: if given a choice between the NBA playoffs and March Madness, I take the NBA and its not even a tough decision. I know this is probably not a popular choice and that's fine, but I guess that I just don't like the college game much. I could live a very happy life and never watch a game like the UCLA-Memphis travesty again. The shot clock is too long, there isn't enough run-and-gunning, most players can't create, there's way too much Billy Packer, and Michigan sucks. It's a bad formula.

However, the tournament format is obviously more fan friendly than the marathon that is the NBA playoffs. The games start this weekend and won't end until June. On the other hand, the NBA playoffs offer a faster paced game featuring some seriously entertaining characters: 'Sheed, Kobe and Phil, Shaq, Eva Longoria, Tru Warier, Mason, Steve Nash, Jack Nicholson, Dirk, David Stern, King James, and everyone's favorite: Bill Walton.

Eastern Conference

(1) Detroit Pistons vs. (8) Milwaukee Bucks - Shouldn't the Pistons and Spurs just get a first round bye? The 'Stons took the first 3 games of the regular season series against the Bucks before rolling over on April 17 when the game didn't matter. Detroit shouldn't have much trouble here, even if Michael Redd gets hot. Said Rip: "We've been waiting to get to the playoffs since the last game of last season. So now to get the opportunity to play, we're all excited." I would not want to be a Milwaukee fan right now.
The Pick: 'Stons in 4

(2) Miami Heat vs. (7) Chicago Bulls - The Bulls won 12 of their final 14 games to finish at 41-41 and avoid the lottery. The Noob Sports family believes in coach Scott Skiles, but his team, while scrappy, doesn't have the talent to put too much of a scare into Shaq and Dwyane Wade. D Wade comes home to Chicago where he attended H.L. Richards High School in Oak Lawn. In fact, one of my favorite high school memories is watching him throw down a couple thunderdunks against A.A. Stagg, my old stomping grounds. Now, that game has been immortalized forever by Wade's new Converse commercial (you know, the "fall seven times, get up eight" business). The second fall he takes is in my old high school gym and he is being dropped by an old high school buddy of mine. Anyway, the Bulls play harder than any other team so they might steal a couple games, but the Heat will ultimately prevail.
The Pick: Heat in 6

(3) New Jersey Nets vs. (6) Indiana Pacers - Will Vince Carter be able to carry his success over to the postseason? Something tells me that Rick Carlisle will have an answer for Vinsanity. Peja and Jermaine O'Neal need to turn in straight cash perfomances, but an upset might be in the works here. If not, this might be the last time you see Jermaine in a Pacers uniform, as the team has hinted that it might be willing to deal him. By the way, Scot Pollard is easily my least favorite player in the NBA so I do hope that Vince teabags him on the way to a particularly violent dunk.
The Pick: Pacers in 7

(4) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (5) Washington Wizards - King James, welcome to the playoffs. Will his ankle be 100%? It had better be, as Gilbert Arenas appears to be very determined and Caron Butler has quietly taken his game up a notch. Cleveland will need scoring from Zydrunas Ilgauskas, solid defense from Larry Hughes (who will be playing against his former team), and something off the bench from Sideshow Bob-alike Anderson Varejao and company. If they get it, they'll win a close one.
The Pick: Cavaliers in 7

Up next, the Western Conference.

-NJV

Happy 4/20

2006-04-19T21:26:00.000-04:00

Let me be the first to wish you a very merry 20th of April. I hope this day treats you well, and is filled with relaxation, peaceful feelings, slices of pizza, some good reggae music, and maybe a showing or two of Super Troopers and Half Baked.

Living in Boulder, I'm well aware of the festivities that come along with this day. Every year students (and community members) hold a pro-marijuana rally at Farrand Field at 4:20 in the afternoon. The heat usually does little to stop it, noting that there are too many people, and they're not being overly disruptive.

For your enjoyment, here is one of my favorite articles written about my fair town. It was written a little under a year ago by Wayne Laugeson, a writer for the Boulder Weekly. Enjoy:

- SEL

POT CITY, USA

They don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee, but we smoke it by the bushel in Boulder. And here's a statistic anyone can believe: Boulder County ranks second in the nation for per capita pot smoking, falling in just behind Boston.

Who, with a straight face, can challenge the high believability factor of this new statistic? If anything, the survey's in error for ranking us second rather than first. Yet, here's what the lead paragraph in the Rocky Mountain News said:

"Boulder County showed the second-highest rate of marijuana use in a federal report that left some local officials scratching their heads Thursday."

They scratched their heads? We have hydroponics stores that thrive, and it's not so people can grow tomatoes in the basement. We have citizens getting wealthy blowing glass pipes and crafting colorful bongs. We have unemployed hippies in million-dollar homes equipped with grow lights—people who scratch their heads when asked: "So what do you do for a living?"

We're a pot-smoking party town, and the only shame is in ranking second rather than first.

The report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration shows that 10.33 percent of Boulder County respondents admitted to pot use in the past month. Boston was at 12.16 percent. Locations with the least pot smoking are likely suspects: Northwest Iowa, at 2.28 percent; northeast Iowa, at 2.53 percent; southeast Texas, at 2.59 percent; and central Iowa at 2.63 percent. The Muskogee area came in just below average, with 3.46 percent of respondents admitting to recent marijuana use.

If Boulder Mayor Mark Ruzzin really scratched his head in response to the drug report, he did so skillfully. He told News reporter Berny Morson that the city and the University of Colorado probably have a better idea of actual drug use in our community than the feds do. It was a comment that allowed readers to believe that the federal report may be wrong, whether ranking us high or low.

I asked the mayor if he truly questioned the validity of the report.

"My real point was that between Boulder County, CU and the school district we have a pretty good sense of what's going on in terms of alcohol and drug abuse," Mayor Ruzzin said.

I told him that despite my frequent criticism of Boulder, it's an enviable place that attracts visitors and new residents from all over the world. I said property values and prosperity are high, our streets are clean and we're not overrun with crime.

"If Boston and Boulder—two very well-educated, enviable locations—are number one and two, then perhaps this survey tells us that pot isn't so bad," I argued.

"I wouldn't disagree with you at all," Mayor Ruzzin said. "We're not likely to form a task force or a committee to address the marijuana issue."

I called former Mayor Paul Danish, who moved to Boulder in 1960 and spearheaded our slow-growth and open-space initiatives. I told Danish, who's also a former county commissioner, that local officials reportedly "scratched their heads" upon hearing that Boulder ranks second in pot smoking.

"Give me a break," Danish said. "We're number two because we try harder."

"Do you have a history of using marijuana?" I asked.

"I have smoked marijuana, and I've smoked enough of it that I can comment intelligently about it, and that's as far as I care to go on that subject."

Danish has a long history of fighting an intelligent and articulate battle against the drug war. I told him that perhaps this new government survey will be a good thing in his efforts, as some of the most productive and enviable places on earth seem to have the highest percentage of pot smoking.

"Yes, we're number two, and we seem to be producing a lot of wealth in this community by our own creativity," Danish said. "If you drive on the east side of 47th street and knock on any door, you'll see the 21st century being invented. That's not bad for a town that's number two in marijuana use. It makes you wonder: How would we be doing if we weren't high on pot? Probably not as well."

In early June, just before the first-ever pot ranking was released, USA Today pointed out that Boulder-Longmont took first place on another list: We're the most educated metro area in the United States, with 52.4 percent of the population holding at least a bachelor's degree. Danish said knowledge and education may go hand-in-hand with our high number of pot smokers.

"We're a very tolerant, highly educated community, and it's a fairly widely held understanding in Boulder that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is the fact you might get arrested for it," Danish said.

"We know that 10 percent of those who use alcohol are clinically addicted, but the government has spent 60 years arguing the question of whether it's even possible to get addicted to marijuana," Danish said. "If we ask the question 'which drug is likely to lead to violent behavior?' we know that alcohol wins the gold medal. We know that alcohol figures into at least half the violent crime in this country, and more if you look only at the domestic-violence statistics. So why are we having this argument?"

The new pot report was intended to send shock waves through the communities that top the list, causing mayors and health directors to form committees and throw money at the problem. It'll backfire, because the top 10 comprise a who's who of America's most literate, functional and productive places.

But we do need a task force, Mayor Ruzzin. The task? How to beat Boston in 2006

Who's The Cat In The Hat?

2006-04-19T16:47:00.000-04:00

[Editors Note: Occasionally we have guest writers on Noob Sports. Today, we have our good buddy known as "Isaac Lawrence", who currently resides in Chicago and is tired of hearing the Cubs referred to as the Cubbies. He is also a writer for Fire Luis Pujols, a hilarious Tigers based website that has articles ranging from "Understanding the Detroit Tigers By Comparing Them To Girls You Knew In College," to "Osama Bin Laden's Diary". FLP is a very entertaining website, and you all should check it out. Plus, this article was written for FLP, and we're reprinting it with permission of the author.]

An analysis of what it means to wear the following varieties of Tigers hats:

Tigers Home: A baseball purist. Most likely still records his own personal statistics during a game instead of using the electronic scoreboard that has been successfully performing the same task since 1982. Also likely to collect manager’s lineup cards, a hobby that stretches far into his youth. Baseball is indubitably this guy’s favorite sport.

Favorite Music: Phil Collins, The Moody Blues, Journey, and Ragtime.

p.s. It was Boston’s equivalent to this fan that I was happy for when they won the World Series, not the Ben Affleck’s and melodramatic drunken college students.

Tigers Away: A true sports fan and a true Detroit fan, though this guy’s primary allegiance is most likely to the Lions or the Pistons, rather than the Tigers.

Favorite Music: Linkin Park, 50 Cent, and Metallica.

Tigers Faded Home or Away: This individual is eagerly anticipating the day when Abercrombie or American Eagle will begin outfitting the MLB instead of the prehistoric fashion dinosaur that is Russell Athletics. As a matter of fact the only thing in this person’s wardrobe that isn’t from Abercrombie & Fitch and American Eagle (which they affectionately refer to as Abers and AE) is this Detroit Tigers hat. This individual also likes to obsessively talk about how much they love their favorite hat and how they “Just can’t replace it no matter how much it gets worn in.” In reality, this individual tied the hat to a rope and dragged it outside his Ford Explorer through Bloomfield Hills or Troy to enhance the worn in look. (This guy is also likely to have a pair of ‘Lucky Boxers’ that he has only gotten lucky in with a chick that weighted about 2 bills and was so drunk she vomited minutes after hooking up.)

Favorite Music: Anything off of those OC Mix albums, thinking he is discovering super-underground-indie-rock no one else knows of.

p.s. This person often makes pretentious jokes about how the Real OC is Oakland County.

p.p.s. I can’t wait until this guy’s Daddy loses his job at GM or Ford in a couple months and above mentioned fan has to move to—don’t say it, it’s to awful—Lapeer

[Editors Note: This is the hat that SEL wears every day. SEL also owns a total of zero articles of clothing from Abercrombie or American Eagle. Take that for what you will]

Tigers Black on Black, On African American: The Black on Black cap states, “Yeah I like watching the Tigers, and I also like watching you get your ass handed to you by me and my friends for looking at us the wrong way!”

Favorite Music: Three Six Mafia, T.I., and Mix Tapes from the streets.

Tigers Black on Black, On Caucasian: The Black on Black cap means that this particular Caucasian secretly grew up liking rap music but pretended amongst his all-white friends that he gave a damn about Sister Hazel, the Crash Test Dummies, and the Spin Doctors. Also, highly probable that this individual used to rap uncontrollably to himself in the mirror. When confronted by his parents he would tell them he was just moving so rapidly because he was ummmm..checking for dandruff. At this point in his life his dual identities and inner conflicts have left him delusional. He also loves the color Carolina Blue.

Favorite Music: Eminem, Kid Rock, and the Insane Clown Posse (ICP).

Tigers White on White: This dude, by wearing white on white is proclaiming his love for the Tigers, but more importantly, proclaiming his love for the ladies. This guy has never had a serious male friend since the 5th Grade when he ditched his guy friends to play double dutch with Meredith Jones and her friends on the black top next to the four square courts. Since the 5th grade he has had a rotating carousel of “Best Friends” which simply translates to hot girl he’s trying to hook up with, but who is preoccupied with a better looking, older guy who actually has real things to say instead of agreeing with her every word.

Favorite Music: Puff Daddy, R. Kelly, Ne-Yo, Reuben Stoddard, John Mayer and the Dave Matthews Band, whom he refers to as Dave and John, as if they were personal friends, who, if it were true, would be the only male personal friends he has.

p.s. This is my least favorite guy.

Tigers Different Color Hat (e.g. Red or Royal Blue): This guy was the first kid at your high school to tell you about Limp Bizkit, and, admitting that Faith was a decent enough song, you didn’t give a damn then and you don’t now. This individual started rocking the goatee two years before he or anyone else could actually grow anything respectable. He constantly talks about how all music out now sucks and longs for the good ol’ days of rock, which to him were a mere 5 to 7 years ago; if Guns N’ Roses ever come out with Chinese Democracy, he will liken it to the Resurrection.

Favorite Music: Limp Bizkit, Korn, POD, GnR, and the Deadsies.

FLP loves where Mr. Lawrence has gone with this, and have made their own offering:

Tigers Multi-Colored and/or graphics/colors on the brim: This hat, most likely purchased at Target or Meijer for $6.99 by this guy’s mother because she remembered him making some comment about liking baseball three years ago, belongs to that guy who maintains a cursory interest in sports because other people seem to like sports, and he needs social in-roads. Once a year his father hauls the family out of Wyandotte for a venture into the city, and buys a Tigers Family Four-Pack that includes four upper deck tickets, four hot dogs or pizza slices, four small sodas, two t-shirts, and two orange Foam Fingers for $79. By the third inning this guy begins wandering aimlessly around the stadium, where he pays $3.50 to have his fastball radared at 53 mph.

This guy also liked the Gilligan’s Island Applebee’s commercial that aired during the NCAA basketball tournament.

Favorite Music: Journey, Weird Al Yankovic, Kenny Chesney

SEL's Hodgepodge Stew

2006-04-18T12:03:00.000-04:00

- So the Noob Sports fantasy baseball league is underway, and things are going well. Good participation, some good trades, good smack talk... exactly what we expected. We're running the league through Yahoo!, and on Sunday our free "stattracker" demo ended.

For those of you who don't know, "stattracker" is a java based program that gives you live statistics on your fantasy players on all one page, and keeps up with league points live as they happen. I told myself that I wasn't going to waste money on stattracker this season ($9.99), and that I would go to mlb.com everyday and look at the games individual box scores, and see how my players are doing. I figured I could make it all season...

I couldn't even make it 24 hours. I tried going old school and checking box scores yesterday, but it was impossible. I just don't have the patience to go through every single box score and see how players are doing. In this day of fast food, fast cars, and fast women (especially), I need my fantasy stats fast. So yes, I caved, and now launch stattracker every time I'm on the internet to see how my team is doing. Thanks Yahoo!, you rat bastards.

- More proof that Denver sucks as a sports city: I've been to two Rockies games already. The first one, my buddy got us 4 seats, 5th row right behind home plate. It was the second home game of the year. They were playing the Diamondbacks on a Thursday night... and there had to be less than 3,000 people there. I've seen bigger crowds at a Division III soccer game than there were at this Rockies game... and it was the SECOND home game of the year. The good news however, is that because there was nobody there, you could hear everything... especially since we were so close to the field.

As is normally the case, I was pretty vocal during the game, as was this group of guys behind us. My buddy Gruberville, who I was watching the game with, caught the replay of the game the next day, and said you could hear EVERYTHING we were saying. He said that he could blatantly pick out my voice screaming "Damien Easley, you suck!, hope you're having fun in the desert because we don't want you in Detroit" and "Tony the Tiger? More like Tony the dog". When the Rockies mascot "Dinger" (That looks like the illegimate love child of Barney the dinosaur and a crack-whore Tricerotops, for the record) came down near us, and started talking to some cute girls, the guys behind us started the chant "take her home, take her home, take her home!", which, according to Gruberville, could be clearly heard throughout the telecast. Now that, my friends, is good entertainment.

We caught our second Rockies game on Saturday evening. It was tax day, and my buddy Volk Face and his Fiancee (Mrs. Volk Face) dressed up as Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty, respectively. Most people didn't get it, but it was hilarious. The stadium was more packed on this occasion, but still pretty quiet. Again, as is the norm, I found myself getting vocal.

When career .222 hitter Sal Fasano stepped to the plate, we got the unexpected pleasure of seeing his picture on the jumbotron. He had a masterful fu-manchu, and was working what appeared to be a professional mullet. I don't know if he did it as a joke, but it was hilarious.

Anyway, when I see it, I start laughing, and making jokes. One of them, I yell out loud "Sal Fasano... business in the front, party in the back!" It gets a few laughs around me, but here's the best part: This kid, who was sitting right in front of us, who looked and talked strikingly similar to the kids on "Big Daddy", heard me say "party in the back!" and his eyes lit up like it was Christmas... and he just kept repeating "Pawty in the back! Pawty in the back! Pawty in the back!". It was hysterical. Not only that, but his mother also thought it was funny, because she turned around and said "he'll be saying that all night. You need to come up with some new ideas so he can take some new words with him." Uhh, probably not the best idea to have a little kid emulating what I say at a sporting event.

Along the same lines, everytime Aaron Rowand stepped up to the plate and the announcer said "now batting, number whatever, Aaron Rowand" I would repeat "Now batting, probable steroid user, Aaron Rowand!" Apparently steroids seems to be an issue in this country, because a handful of people turned around and scowled at me. I thought it was funny.

- If you're not into the UEFA Champions League yet, now is the time to be converted. For those of you who don't know (which is probably most of you), the Champions League takes the top 4 or 5 teams from about 12 of the top European soccer countries, and they play a World Cup-ish style league to determine who the Champions of Europe are.

Imagine there were 11 countries in the World that had leagues as good as the NBA. At the end of every season, the top 4 NBA teams would enter into groups of 4 teams... with the top 4 teams from these other leagues that are as good as the NBA. In the group stage, all 4 teams play one another twice, home and away. After that is done, the top 2 teams from those groups advance to a March Madness style bracket. At this point, it's not single elimination, rather both teams play one another twice (home and away), and which ever team does better advance.

This is what the Euros do with soccer, and it's widely regarded as the most prestigious tournament in the world that isn't the World Cup.

We've now entered the semi-finals, and today and tomorrow start the first leg. Today we have AC Milan (Italy) taking on Barcelona (Spain), two of the most storied and powerful soccer clubs in the world. This would be like the Pistons taking on the Spurs (if the Spurs were a Mexican team), only the fans are 50X more excited than at an NBA playoff game. Tomorrow we have Arsenal (England) taking on Villareal (Spain) in the other side of the semi-final. Arsenal are another powerhouse (the mavericks maybe), while Villareal are a dark horse that people are rallying behind (think the Toronto Raptors, only if they played in a shitty Canadian league all year round). David vs. Goliath, should be awesome. Both games start at 2:45 EST and can be seen on ESPN2. If you're not a total Noob and are around a television, watch these.

- For your viewing pleasure:

Pulp Fiction meets Hockey. Hilarity ensues.

I don't know when this aired, but it's absolutely comedic genius. Robert DeNiro is holding a press conference and reads off a list of terrorist suspects. I have no idea how he keeps a straight face during this.

Unnecessary Mock Draft IV

2006-04-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

Our fourth unnecessary and under-achieving attempt at mocking the NFL Draft (NYC, April 29-30).

1. Houston Texans - Reggie Bush (RB, USC) - Without a doubt, Bush will become the second consecutive first overall pick from Helix High School in San Diego. That has to be some kind of record. Unlike high school teammate Alex Smith, expect Bush to be ready to make an immediate impact.

Bush is so talented that no one is talking about current Texan running back Domanick Davis, who has been very good on a very bad team the last couple years. Houston was wise to hold onto Davis this offseason, as it would have been hard to get a good return in a year where Shaun Alexander and Edgerrin James were free agents. With Eric Moulds now opposite Andre Johnson, new head coach Gary Kubiak is set up to look like a genius.

2. New Orleans Saints - D’Brickashaw Ferguson (OT, Virginia) - My sweet Brick would pair with the Saints' previous first rounder Jammaal Brown to form a supremely talented young tackle duo. The Saints are trying hard to deal this pick to a team in love with Matt Leinart, but haven't been offered near the deal they were hoping. Still, if the Jets decide to leapfrog the Titans for Leinart the Saints would be sitting pretty at 4, probably taking Mario Williams.

3. Tennessee Titans - Matt Leinart (QB, USC) - Speaking of Alex Smith, he should be paying Leinart a percentage of his rookie contract. Leinart's decision to stay at USC earned Smith more money than any agent ever could, as the Trojan would surely have gone first overall in '05. If Leinart is off the board, Tennessee will take my sweet Brick.

4. New York Jets - Vince Young (QB, Texas) - Its difficult to predict where exactly Vince Young will be drafted. Most whispers indicate he will not fall below the Raiders at #7, as owner Al Davis has reportedly developed an infatuation with him. The Jets can't seriously be counting on Patrick Ramsey and Chad Pennington, can they? Mario Williams is another possibility, as is the afore mentioned trade to snag Leinart. The Jets have so many holes that they really can't afford to give up the #29 pick to move up.

5. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Hawk (OLB, Ohio St.) - The first of six potential Buckeye first rounders. The only question about Hawk is whether or not the Packers will give him as big a signing bonus as the Ohio State University did.

6. San Francisco 49ers - Mario Williams (DE, NC St.) - Super Mario would be a steal for Mike Nolan and company. He is a freakish athlete who has been compared to Julius Peppers. Enough said.

7. Oakland Raiders - Michael Huff (DB, Texas) - With their man Vinny off the board, the options for Oakland appear to be Huff, Vernon Davis, Jay Cutler, Brodrick Bunkley, or Haloti Ngata. Huff is the best football player of the bunch, while Davis offers the most upside.

8. Buffalo Bills - Brodrick Bunkley (DT, FSU) - Our earlier mock drafts had Ngata going to the Bills, but Bunkley has ran up draft boards. Davis should be their guy, especially after the loss of Moulds, but all signs point to a DT going in this slot.

9. Detroit Lions - Vernon Davis (TE, Maryland) - If Davis is available and Huff is off the board, the Lions will draft offense in the first round yet again. Davis is the prototypical seam stretching tight end and would benefit from the knowledge of Marcus Pollard. Something tells me that Marinelli and Millen have Huff pegged as their guy, but in this scenario Davis is a great consolation prize.

10. Arizona Cardinals - Jimmy Williams (CB, Virginia Tech) - Some mock drafts have Williams going quite a bit lower, but how can you argue with his size (6'2, 210) at the corner? He's way too cocky and gambles way too much, but he could very well develop into a shut down corner. Dennis Green would love to pair him with Antrel Rolle at corner so that he his safeties can play close to the line of scrimmage and shut down the run. Jay Cutler is another possibility for the Cards.

11. St. Louis Rams - Jay Cutler (QB, Vanderbilt)
12. Cleveland Browns - Ernie Sims (OLB, FSU)
13. Baltimore Ravens - Winston Justice (OT, USC)
14. Philadelphia Eagles - DeAngelo Williams (RB, Memphis)
15. Denver Broncos - Haloti Ngata (DT, Oregon)
16. Miami Dolphins - Chad Jackson (WR, Florida)
17. Minnesota Vikings - Chad Greenway (OLB, Iowa)
18. Dallas Cowboys - Tye Hill (CB, Clemson)
19. San Diego Chargers - Santonio Holmes (WR, Ohio St.)
20. Kansas City Chiefs - Johnathan Joseph (CB, South Carolina)
21. New England Patriots - Kamerion Wimbley (DE, FSU)
22. Denver Broncos - Leonard Pope (TE, Georgia)
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Marcus McNeil (OT, Auburn)
24. Cincinnati Bengals - Ashton "Feelin' On" Youboty (CB, Ohio St.)
25. New York Giants - Antonio Cromartie (CB, FSU)
26. Chicago Bears - Mercedes Lewis (TE, UCLA)
27. Carolina Panthers - LenDale White (RB, USC)
28. Jacksonville Jaguars - Demeco Ryans (OLB, 'Bama)
29. New York Jets - Sinorice Moss (WR, The U.)
30. Indianapolis Colts - Laurence Maroney (RB, Minnesota)
31. Seattle Seahawks - Nick Mangold (C, Ohio St.)
32. Pittsburgh Steelers - Donte Whitner (S, Ohio St.)

-NJV

Old Style Video Hunters

2006-04-14T11:07:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since we've posted any entertaining links for our fans. To be fair, we've been very busy with 2.0, our own personal lives, and... well that's about it. The response we've gotten from many of our readers is that they miss the links we post that show videos that make them laugh. So, to help you get through your Friday and the weekend, here's the best we can give you at this point in time:

[By the way, for Noobsports2.0, we're going to have an entire section of our website devoted to cool videos. The problem we're having is naming it. We don't want to call it "cool shit" or "videos", so we need some help. So we'll have a naming contest. Whoever can give us the best/funniest name for a section of our new website that will house all the links we've ever given / will give to funny videos around the internet will be credited with naming that section. Email us at noobsports@gmail.com. Deal]

The greatest news coverage to hit the internet since "Dem whistle-tips go Whoo-WHOO!!!" I think Bub Rub and Lil Sis would be proud. "To me it look like a Leprechaun to me, who else see the Leprechaun say Yeah!!!" Also, how funny is the amateur sketch of the Leprechaun? One of those videos that's funnier the 50th time you watch it than the 1st.

If you're not already really, really pumped up for the World Cup this summer, you're either in a coma, or a severe meathead. Either way, this should help fuel the excitement: Some of the nastiest goals ever compiled into one video. Shitty thing is that it's put to Badger's favorite song. [Pay attention to Roberto Carlos's free kick, that starts out towards the corner flag and hooks into the near post... absolutely unbelievable]

Hopefully this rap video will convince you to stop pirating computer software, you rat bastard. Don't Copy That Floppy!

Original audio of that fateful day of 1986, and the Mets/Saux game played out on RBI baseball... hilarious to watch, especially Buckner's error. Game 6 of the 1986 World Series

The Jellyman is a pimp, straight up. Another video from the "Old Style Video Hunters" collection that still brings a tear to my eye reminiscing about watching it in a room of a crappy house, 6 guys piled around one shitty computer screen all with Cisco's in hand, trying to figure out the Aicha dance. Mad props to the Mizzlone for having the best impersonation of Jellyman.

Speaking of Cisco, we've had this website for far too long without passing on one of our favorites. If you've ever drank any of the "Bum Wine's", you'll find this leg-slappingly funny. And by Bum Wine, we mean Cisco, Mad Dog, Night Train, Thunderbird, and Wild Irish Rose. If you want to be like Darren Daulton, feel free to try time traveling with a couple bottles of these. A quick description of Cisco (our personal favorite):

"Known as 'liqiud crack,' for its reputation for wreaking more mental havoc than the cheapest tequila. Something in this syrupy hooch seem to have a synapse-blasting effect not unlike low-grade cocaine."

And finally, some real American Heroes. Remember a while back when we showed you the video of the guys playing quarters that made RIDICULOUS shots? Well, I don't know if these are the same dudes or not, but they're playing another one of our favorite drinking games: Beer Pong. Epic Beer Pong Shots. Soon they're going to have to come up with a highlight reel of Beer Die plays, both offensively and defensively.

Deutschland Bound (Part II)

2006-04-13T12:35:00.000-04:00

First of all, we'd like to apologize for some technical difficulties we've experienced over the past couple days with the "Post Comment" option. We have received a handful of emails saying that readers can't post their thoughts, which sucks, because we have NO idea how to fix it. It hasn't happened to everybody though, bceause some people have been able to post. Veird. If this happens with you, feel free to email us at noobsports@gmail.com with your comments, and we'll go ahead and post them for you, and our responses when necessary.

Moving on, welcome to Part II of "Deutschland Bound". In this episode, I posed two question to Hile and myself:

1 - "If you were Bruce Arena, what formation would you use for the '06 World cup, and why?"

2 - "In that same formation, who would your starting 11 be?"

Up first, Hile's thoughts:

This is much harder than in recent years. The increase in the talent pool has allowed Bruce Arena to utilize various formations, many of which could be effective. While I believe that the best formation for our team would be a 3-5-2, I believe that we will spend most of our time in the 4-4-2. It has been Bruce's preferred formation since he took over as coach and most of our European-based players are in England and Germany, countries where the 4-4-2 dominates.

I also believe that the 4-4-2 will be our best option against the teams we face. Against the Czech Republic, a 3-5-2 would give Nedved far too much room to wreak havoc on the wings. Italian teams have struggled strongly against English teams inEuropean competition and the Italian catenaccio defense is strong up the middle but susceptible to attacks up the wing. African squads like Ghana frequently have trouble with well organized teams that are equally athletic.

That being said, Arena has the options to tweak the system to what we need. He will not hesitate to make changes based on the matchups and has proved extremely capable at that in the past. Without thinking about matchups, injuries, yellow cards, etc., this is what I believe will be the US starting lineup for the World Cup.

[Note: Reyna/O'Brien means whichever one of the two is healthy... which might be a long shot]

SEL's Thoughts:

I feel there a 3 different formations that should be considered here, and then I'll explain my favorite and why. The formations are the 3-5-2, the 4-4-2, and the 4-3-3.

The 3-5-2 (perfected by the Hope College Flying Dutchmen, by the way) strength lies in it's midfield. With two defensive center midfielders, an attacking center midfielder, and two wingers placed wide, the US would almost certainly control the midfield of every game. The weaknesses are that there are only 3 defenders, and all 3 of those defenders have to be 1) excellent ballwinner, 2) excellent readers of the game, and 3) excellent distributors of the ball out of the back. I think we're 2/3 of the way there with Onyewu and Gibbs, but we don't have that third piece, therefore I don't think it would work.

The 4-4-2 is the most popular formation in the world. It's strenghts are that it's balanced, you're not too defensive, not too offensive, and have a good amount of players in the middle. This is what we'll most likely run, however I'm opposed to this because it's boring. It's average. I'm looking for something with more flair, something that will make other teams say "oh shit, how do we stop this."

That brings us to the 4-3-3. This is my deravation of the formation: Flat 4 in the back, with the two center backs being more man-marking backs than anything else, and covering for one-another. The outside backs play ahead of them, and they defend when they have to, but on offense they get involved in the attack, and they get WIDE. In the midfield, I like all 3 players to be in the center, with no outside midfielders. Play with 1 holding center midfielder (who is basically a glorified stopper), and 2 attacking center midfielders (one predominantly left, one predominantly right). Up top, you play with 3 forwards. One central, pressed as far forward as the other team will let you, and he acts as a target man and a ball-winner. The other forwards again play WIDE, and play a little withdrawn. The team gets it's width from it's outside backs and outside forwards... the backs get forward on offense as much as possible, and the forwards track back to cover opposing teams outside midfielders.

First I'll tell you who my starters will be, then I'll give you justification for it.

In the back: Onyewu and Gibbs are no-brainers at center back. I like Lewis on the left because he is a natural left-footed left-midfielder, so getting forward with the ball won't be a problem. Stevie C. has also shown the ability to get forward, most notably against Poland and Japan, where he was causing absolute havoc running forward. Plus they can both defend when they need to.

Midfield: I love Pablo Mastroeni as a holding center midfielder in this formation. He will play very defensive minded, probably mark the opposing teams attacking center midfielder, and generally clog up that area of the pitch. He's strong on the tackle, and a great ball-winner in the air. He won't be called upon a lot to get into the attack, just distribute the ball to his outside backs, outside forwards, or fellow center midfielders.

As far as the other two midfielders go, I have both Reyna and O'Brien in there. This of course is assuming both are healthy, which is a possibility, but not probable. I think both Captain America and JOB are our two most creative players, and they both have the ability to change the game. They will get into the attack often, shooting through the gaps between our center forward and our outside forwards. They can distribute the ball, make things happen, take players on 1 on 1, combine with the fowards, and finish. They will both be keyin this formation. If either one of them is hurt (which is likely), I like bringing in Clint Dempsey, and letting him be as creative as he wants in that role. He can get forward well, and, along with Beasley, is our best player at taking opposing players on 1 on 1.

Forwards: McBride is the obvious target man. He's strong, he wins balls in the air, he can hold the ball up, and he can finish. End of argument. (If he gets injured, Taylor Twellman is actually a very good reserve to bring in).

On the left I like DeMarcus Beasley, and I think this would be the ideal position for him. First of all, he's used to playing this position with his club PSV Eindhoven, where he has been very successful. Play the ball into space, and he can run onto it and get behind the defense. Play the ball to his feet and he has the ability to put in great service with his left foot, or to take players 1 on 1 and run at the defense. He has also shown the ability to combine well with O'Brien (WC '02) and McBride. Having him out wide as well means he would have more space to work with, and his blistering pace great foot skills would just kill other teams.

On the right I like Landon Donovan, and here's why: I think when he's in the center of the field and the focal point for the US, he wilts (A la Fred Bergman). He doesn't perform well in the spotlight, and when he has to be the teams leader and controller of the games pace and playmaking, he struggles. I think he puts too much pressure on himself to perform, and ends up trying to do too mcuh, which turns out to be detrimental to the team.

I made this argument about a month ago, but Liverpool has done exactly the same thing with Steven Gerrard, with unbelievable results. Gerrard is arguably their best player, but started struggling when he had to be THE playmaker in the center of the field. Rafa Benitez saw this, and asked Gerrard to move to an outside midfield position, and they haven't gone back since. Gerrard is still the most dangerous player on the field, but he doesn't have to be involved in every play. The same would work brilliantly for Donovan. He's the best server of the ball on the team, and his crosses are deadly. Having him out on the wing lets him be able to serve that bending ball to the back post where McBride / Beasley / O'Brien / Reyna will be waiting. He can also beat his player down the wing, or bring the ball central and take on defenders that way. Plus he will have plenty of options in the box to score. (For the record, if we end up playing a 4-4-2 like Hile suggests, I'd still like to see Donovan on the right, Beasley on the left, and Mastroeni and O'Brien/Reyna in the center).

As always, feel free to post your thoughts and comments in the comment section. If you can't get it to work, email it to us and we'll post it for you... you noobs.

Deutschland Bound (Part I)

2006-04-12T11:58:00.000-04:00

Right now we sit less than 2 months away from the opening game of the World Cup 2006, and we couldn't be more excited. It's far and away the biggest sporting event when it comes around every four years, and there is nothing even close. Last World Cup final drew an estimated audience of 2.5 BILLION people around the world; approximately a third of the worlds population was watching one sporting event. With the advancement of technology and easier access to television in a lot of third world countries, this year should have an even bigger audience.

Team Noob Sports are big supporters of our US National Team (despite their two recent lousy results), and we feel this is the best team we've ever put on the pitch. In honor of our boys, we've decided to put together a two-part preview of our team.

I (SEL) am co-authoring this article with Jim Hile, a friend and avid reader of Noob Sports. Why are we qualified you might ask? Well, I played 4 years of soccer in college and 1 season in the PDL, and am hoping to make coaching soccer a career... and Hile is far and away the biggest soccer "fan" I know, and super-knowledgeable about the game.

Part I will air today, and will include our thoughts on the top 35-ish players who have a chance of making the final roster of 23. It will conclude with our thoughts on the 23 each of us think should make the trip to Germany. Part II will air later this week, and will include what formation we both think the US should play, and who our starting XI will be. Without further Adu (pun intended)....

[players appear by position, in alphabetical order]

GOALKEEPERS

Marcus Hahnemann - One of the key pieces to Reading's promotion to the premiership this year, first time in 135 years. (SEL)

Has had an astonishing season and will be seen in the Premiership next year for Reading. Probably the favorite for the 3rd spot, Hahnemann is a giant and phenomenal at controlling his penalty area. (HILE)

Kevin Hartman - The top keeper in the MLS, Hartman has looked strong the past couple of years. (SEL)
I don't trust anyone with bleached blond hair. (HILE)

Tim Howard - Playing for one of the most famous clubs in the world (Manchester United), Howard recently got into the second half of a USMNT game. Timmy Tourette should be the backup. (SEL)

Howard will make the team based on his talent alone, but THE BRUCE can not be happy with his lack of regular playing time at Man U. Experience is of the utmost importance at the World Cup especially in goal. (HILE)

Kasey Keller - Unequivocally the best goalie in American history. Keller is one of the top 3 goalkeepers in the world, voted top keeper in the Bundesliga last year... plus he lives in a castle. (SEL)
A castle is a fitting place for Keller to live because he is absolutely a stone wall. I can't think of one awful goal that he has let in. Has world cup experience and will absolutely be the starter for the United States this summer. (HILE)

Tim Howard - Playing for one of the most famous clubs in the world (Manchester United), Howard recently got into the second half of a USMNT game. Timmy Tourette should be the backup. (SEL)

Marcus Hahnemann - One of the key pieces to Reading's promotion to the premiership this year, first time in 135 years. (SEL)

Tony "Gotta Be Me" Meola - Got the start against Jamaica last night and THE BRUCE could want Meola to simply bring experience to the 3rd goalkeeping spot. If brought to the World Cup, it would be Meola's 5th, tying the world record. (HILE)
No fucking way. (SEL)

DEFENDERS

Greg Berhalter - Dog, dog, dog. Embarassing against Germany. (SEL)
Not as bad as people think. (HILE)

Carlos Bocanegra - Normally solid defender has looked shaky in recent weeks, both with his club, and with the USMNT. (SEL)
I feel very confident that if he tucks his shirt in, Black Mouth will become the player that he has the potential to be. Lack of regular time for Fulham will likely keep him from starting. (HILE)

Steve Cherundolo - The Hannover '96 man should be very comfortable in Germany, and is strong in the back. (SEL)
Evolved into a solid defender. Little stevie (5'6") has proved to be much more efficient at getting forward recently and timing his runs appropriately. Can find trouble if sucked into the middle due to his lack of height. (HILE)

Jimmy Conrad - Good guy, good writer for ESPN, not so good against Germany. (SEL)

Probably cost himself a spot at the World Cup in the games this spring. (HILE)

Todd Dunivant - Looked GREAT against Japan, pretty much the catalyst for the first 2 goals. Unfortunately, the injury bug has bitten him. (SEL)
Solid player who lacks that something extra to elevate himself in huge games. Needs national team experience. (HILE)

Cory Gibbs - A badass performance against Germany, Cory showed that he's over his injuries and back to form. Big clubs have already started talking to him, and it's about time to leave ADO Den Haag. (SEL)

Gibbs will compete with Pope and Berhalter for the starting CB spot beside Gooch. Another strong and fast player who is good in the air, will be a good fit for the quick teams that we play in June. (HILE)

Frankie Hejduk - Frank the Tank is a favorite of Das Bruce, and is the "Charlie Hustle" of our national team. (SEL)
As Hejduk's crosses have started landing within 100yds of where they are aimed, he has grown on me. A great 'energy' guy to have coming off the bench. Can provide cover on both wings and the outside back spots. He'll play in Germany. (HILE)

Eddie Lewis - UCLA grad has looked very good as of late at left back. (SEL)
Once again The Bruce has taken an inspired gamble and had it pay off. Lewis looks very comfortable at the back and his consistency and lack of a position at left mid (behind Beasley) mean that he is a lock for Germany. Surprisingly strong tackler. (HILE)

Oguchi Onyewu - The gooch is a tank, and I am currently ordering my new USA jersey with "Onyewu, 22" on the back. (SEL)
Gooch is an absolute stud and perfect for today's game. Tall, fast, and extremely strong... he will be vital to slowing down the Czech Republics 6'6" forward Koller in the first game. His tendency for getting red cards for his club team has not translated to his US appearances. (HILE)

Heath Pearce - Like Spector, young and a high ceiling, but this may not be his time. (SEL)

Eddie Pope - I think Eddie Pope sucks, and I feel very strongly that I am a better player than he is right now. Sure he's a veteran, but he's shockingly bad. (SEL)

Pope has lost a step in recent years but his positioning and intelligence has improved. As always, a terrible passer and dribbler, but has a knack for coming up and scoring clutch goals. (HILE)

Johnathon Spector - He's young, and has awesome potential, and I'd love to see him go... but I don't think that's crappening. (SEL)
Having a very solid season for Middlesborough in the Premier League. Could make the squad to gain experience, but this occasion is likely too big to risk a young player like Spector. Look for him to be a starter in 2010.

MIDFIELDERS

DeMarcus Beasley - Fast, mad ball-skills, and has been on point in Europe the last couple of years. DMB is a no-brainer at left-mid. (SEL)

Beasley will be terrorizing the Czech defense on June 12th. Seems to have an excellent connection with Donovan and plays far better when hes on the field. (HILE)

Bobby Convey - Obviously playing in Europe has helped him, he looks very dangerous on the ball, and isn't afraid to take people on. Another Arena favorite. (SEL)

Convey has played his way onto the squad by playing a regular role for an excellent club team and giving powerful, attacking performances for the national team. Doesn't disappear from games like he used to. (HILE)

Clint Dempsey - Deuce has great footskills and a knack of finishing, a bit of a space-cadet at times though. Don't tread on this. (SEL)

My favorite freestyle rapper on the team. I love Dempsey because he has no fear, tries sweet moves during games, and keeps it real. Unfortunately, keeping it real sometimes goes wrong as a few weeks ago when he punched out his New England Revolution teammate. (HILE)

Landon Donovan - His power-alleys will definitely be on display in Germany. This is a great chance to show he can perform on the world's biggest stage. (SEL)

Without a doubt the most important player for the United States. Played brilliantly in the last world cup at 20 and should be entering his prime. Needs to demonstrate the finishing he shows with the Galaxy for the National Team. Along with Zidane, an inspiration for prematurely balding soccer players everywhere. (HILE)

Chris Klein - I saw him hit a bomb when the Wizards came to play the Rapids last year, but I'm not convinced he's good enought o be on the team. (SEL)

As soon as I think Klein has finally played his way off the team he scores a goal for the US. A guy who can run and tackle, but can't provide any sort of spark against quality opposition. (HILE)

Pablo Mastroeni - A hoss in the middle of the field, Mastroeni has helped himself make the team by making the +10 commercials with Adidas. (SEL)

Excels at breaking up opponents attacks before they develop. Has proven to be a much better passer than most of this competitors at this position. Almost entirely uninvolved in the offense and needs to find some way to contribute. (HILE)

John O'Brien - Personally, I think he's the best American soccer player alive, and was one of the top midfielders in the '02 worldcup. The only question is his health and conditioning. He was by far the classiest player on the field for the 20 minutes he played against Jamaica. (SEL)

Hopefully Johnny will maintain his streak of only being healthy for one month out of 4 years during the World Cup. (HILE)

Ben Olsen - Can play many different positions in the midfield, but hasn't been overwhelming at any point. (SEL)

Played well last night against Jamaica and with Donovan was the only player willing to attack. Plenty of energy and seems to be more under control than in years past. (HILE)

Claudio Reyna - Obivously, if Captain America is healthy he's there. (SEL)

Has proven to be very injury prone. Still a solid and controlling presence in the midfield but will need to get healthy quickly to retain his starting spot. (HILE)

Kerry Zavagnin - Has looked pretty shocking lately, doesn't deserve to go to Europe. (SEL)

Zavagnin is probably the most boring player in the national team pool. Even when he plays well I don't notice him at all. Even when solid, provides nothing special. (HILE)

FORWARDS

Freddy Adu - Sorry Freddy, you're a nice story at the age of 17, but four more years will be your time. (SEL)

Remember when Freddy Adu was supposed to be Messi before Messi was Messi? That was awesome. Best player in the world. 2014. (HILE)

Conor Casey - Been scoring goals by the bunches in the Bundesliga... still only 24, maybe somebody familiar with Germany should be on our roster. (SEL)

One of the great enigmas of US Soccer. Famously started over Donovan during the US's semifinal run at the 2000 Olympics, Casey seems to play well when he wants to. Inconsistent, but has the potential to play well. (HILE)

Brian Ching - One of the best players in the MLS, Ching should be on the bubble. (SEL)

Opened the MLS season with a hat trick but like others, hasn't been able to get seperation or convert his chances on the international level. (HILE)

Eddie Johnson - A red hot start to his national team campaign, EJ has slowed down his scoring pace due in large part to a toe injury. Still, he's extremely fast and not afraid to take people on 1 on 1, and can obviously finish. (SEL)
Eddie is lightning fast but I have one concern. His speed is enough to make the difference against MLS opponents and teams like Guatamala and Trinidad, but does he have the technique yet to be effective against fast and organized defenses like Czech Republic and Italy? (HILE)

Brian McBride - McHead should absolutely be the target man up front for the USA. (SEL)

Probably my soccer hero. A leading scorer for Fulham but hasn't gotten much time for the US recently. He finds ways to score in any situation and does a lot of unseen stuff to set up other players. Excellent header of the ball and plays well with his back to goal. (HILE)

Pat Noonan - The IU graduate is lethal at finishing, but an injyry has come at the most inopportune time. (SEL)
A poor showing last night against Jamaica may have cost Noonan his last shot. Simply not enough international experience to warrant a selection. (HILE)

Taylor Twellman - A poor man's Brian McBride, his work rate and ability to make something out of nothing make him a lock for Germany. (SEL)

Questions about his inability to score in international competition were answered in a big way this spring. Twellman is a similar player to McBride and will provide depth at that position. (HILE)

Josh Wolff - Consistently inconsistant, Wolffie is right on the fringe. (SEL)

Wolff has had his moments but never seems to make any sort of difference on the field. Prone to blowing good chances when he gets them. (HILE)

SEL's list of 23 that should make the trip to Germany:

GK - Keller, Howard, Hahnemann.

DEF - Onyewu, Gibbs, Lewis, Bocanegra, Cherundolo, Hejduk, Spector, Pearce

MID - O'Brien, Reyna, Mastroeni, Donovan, Beasley, Dempsey, Convey

FOR - McBride, Johnson, Twellman, Wolff, Casey

Hile's list of 23 that should make the trip to Germany:

GK - Keller, Howard, Hahnemann

DEF - Onyewu, Gibbs, Lewis, Bocanegra, Cherundolo, Hejduk, Pope, Berhalter

MID - O'Brien, Reyna, Mastroeni, Donovan, Beasley, Dempsey, Convey, Olsen

FOR - McBride, Johnson, Twellman, Casey

[Part II will be posted later this week]

Noob of the Week (4/11)

2006-04-11T03:01:00.000-04:00

[Editor's Note and Spoiler Warning: Do NOT read the following post if you missed Sunday's episode of the Sopranos.]

"I'll tell you one thing and I'm not ashamed to say it. My estimation of John Sacrimoni as a man... just fucking plummeted."--Phil Leotardo

Amen. The boss of New York broke down in tears before hundreds of onlookers as he was being taken back to jail after his daughter's wedding. Johnny Sack was a bit of a rubber even before he completely lost it on Sunday night. Now? Let's just say its not good when your biggest supporter is telling potential rivals that he's lost all respect for you.

For those of you who do not follow the Sopranos, our apologies. It is probably impossible for you to understand how big of a noob Johnny Sack was on Sunday. For the rest of you, let's sum up the reasons as to why Johnny Sack is being awarded Noob of the Week. Fellas, you do the honors.

"To cry like a woman? It's a fucking disgrace."--Phil Leotardo
Yes, it is a disgrace when your sobbing sounds like a mix between Krusty the Clown's laugh and J.J. Redick after an important game. Listen, I don't know much about running the mafia per se, but clearly Johnny Sack needed to keep it together in front of the crowd at his daughter's wedding. When you're supposed to be the baddest man in New York aside from George Steinbrenner, you either find a way to hold it together or start killing people until you feel better.

"His fucking coach turned into a pumpkin."--Paulie Walnuts
Actually, that sound you heard was his pumpkin shaped, 400 pound wife hitting the deck after Johnny's tears started flowing.

"Even Cinderella didn't cry."--Phil Leotardo
In fairness to Johnny Sack, Cinderella wasn't facing 47 RICO counts. Or is "Cinderella" their nickname for Vito?

"When it comes to daughters, all bets are off."--Tony Soprano
No, Tony, all bets are off when it comes to your daughter. I've been waiting years to hear him say something that. The highlight of Sunday's show.

"If they can make him cry, and if he's that weak, what the fuck else can they make him do?"--Phil Leotardo
Not only has Johnny Sack lost face, he might have lost his grip on his family. His soldiers now have reason to doubt his strength and resolve. Also remember that Johnny Sack once tried to put a hit on Ralphie for insulting his wife, so there is no way that he would handle Phil's insults well. Phil is pretty much guaranteed to make a move in the coming episodes. Unless Tony comes to his rescue, Johnny Sack is finished.

Peace noob.

-NJV

Yo, Homeboy be Crazy!

2006-04-10T11:00:00.000-04:00

So there I was, enjoying my Sunday evening. My soccer team won our game 5-0 in the morning, the weather was 80 degrees and bright sun in Boulder, the Masters wrapped up, I caught a couple episodes of Entourage I've never seen, watched the Sopranos, watched Family Guy, and was ready to just relax, watch Sportscenter and the Top 10 plays, and tune out for the weekend. As I was watching, not really paying attention, they had a piece on Darren Daulton. After about 1 minute of watching, my eyes were opened, and I realized that...

DARREN DAULTON IS FUCKING CRAZY.

The guy interviewing him asked him a question like "what is one of your favorite experiences." Dutchie looks into the camera and says "the first time I went time-traveling." I thought, okay, this guy is cool, because it was pretty wild the first time I went time traveling. I believe it involved a Sisco, a lot of whiskey, a lot of beer, and a chunk of time about 8 hours long that I'm convinced never happened.

However, Daulton was serious. He really thinks he can time travel. He later started talking about how much fun "interstellar" traveling is, and that everybody does it every night they go to sleep.

During the rest of the show, he started talking about how the earth is going to end on December 12th, 2012, how he used to get hits in baseball but it wasn't him, and how he is a firm believer in the Mayan calender and Metaphysics.

Apparently DD is serious. I got on the answer-to-all-of-lifes-problems (the internet) and did some resaerch, and came across this article at SI.com.

Some highlights:

During the Dutch Enlightenment, No. 11 has been as significant as it was in Spinal Tap. "I'll wake up at night and look at the clock and it's 11:11," he says. "I'll turn on the TV and see a baseball game tied at 11 in the 11th inning. I'll look out the window and see a car passing with 1111 on the license plate. The car will turn into a driveway with 1111 on the mailbox."

That's funny, I've always had the same thing, but with seeing "111" everywhere I look.

When asked about the reality around us, Dutchie informed the interviewer that everything is made of vibrations at different frequencies. A rosin bag?

"Sure. A rosin bag is just a mirage of innumerable particles constantly speeding up or slowing down. But the Fourth and Fifth Dimensions remain unseen by most people. Their vibrations are at a lower frequency."

Hahahaha. Darren Daulton is nuts. He's been arrested a couple times for DUI's, but he feels that substances are just imaginary, and that the DUI means nothing. I think that's what my buddy Badger tried explaining to me when he got a DUI at 2 in the afternoon after driving his car home from the dining hall (he blew above a .3).

Whatever the case, Darren Daulton is undeniably crazy. And, to be fair, there aren't many things that make me happier than seeing one-time successful and popular people have a complete and utter meltdown.

Motown Momentum

2006-04-08T22:54:00.000-04:00

Give me some credit.

I forced myself to wait until the Detroit Tigers made a full turn through their rotation before I expressed my excitement in written form. Sure, I started this column just an hour after the Tigers topped the Rangers 7-0, just long enough to add Justin Verlander on a couple fantasy teams, but it proved impossible to wait any longer. This is the most exciting thing to happen to Tiger baseball since Jessica Alba showed up at Comerica a couple summers ago...

The stinking Detroit Tigers are 5-0 for the first time since 1985!!!

Not only are they winning, they're doing it in style. The Tigers lead the AL in batting average and ERA. They just set the major league record for homers by a team in its first 5 games with 17, after setting the records for homers through 3 and 4 games as well. And they've done it all on the road. Even while writing the overly cheery "An Optimist's Look at the Detroit Tigers," I wasn't crazy enough to believe this was possible.

Chris Shelton is a lock to win AL Player of the Week honors after batting .700 (14 for 20) with 5 homers, 9 RBI, 2 triples, and 2 doubles through Saturday. Since he was a Rule 5 pick by the Tigers in 2004, my dad has been referring to him as "The Sheletor," which plays off the name of He-Man's arch nemesis and is a much better nickname than the completely uncreative "Big Red." Well, the Sheletor's definitely living up to the moniker as he is just KILLING the ball. Does anyone miss the Carlos Pena era? Didn't think so.

Verlander was also pretty darn impressive while earning his first major league victory in Texas. He went 7 innings while giving up no runs and just 2 hits. His fastball clocked in as high as 99 mph and he had great command of his curveball and changeup. Through DirecTV's MLB Extra Innings package, I picked up the Rangers broadcast. Play-by-play man Josh Lewin (former Tiger broadcaster and partner of Kirk Gibson) and color guy Tom Grieve were quite impressed with Verlander and never really seemed hopeful that their team had a chance to get something going against him. As the right hander from Old Dominion went back to work in the fourth inning, Lewin even did his damndest to jinx the no-hitter he had going. It worked, but still didn't help the Rangers much. Working extremely quickly, Verlander never let the Rangers get any momentum.

Of course, Shelton and Verlander aren't the only Tigers impressing fans. Curtis Granderson, Placido Polanco, Magglio Ordonez, Jeremy Bonderman, Marcus Thames, Kenny Rogers, Carlos Guillen, Joely Zumaya, and even Brandon Inge have looked sharp thus far. Basically, that's everyone but Craig Monroe (.100) and Dmitri Young (.125). Don't worry though, the versatile and underrated Monroe and the professional hitter known as Da Meat Hook will come around before too long.

Predictably, a lot of media hype has been given the Tigers after their improbable start. Baseball Tonight has discussed their hot start at length and it was probably inevitable, but according to Lewin, Jim Leyland now has drawn some comparisons to Sparky Anderson. Let's not get too far ahead of things, but already it's clear that this team has taken to their new manager. Gruff and straight forward, perhaps Leyland is the perfect manager for Motown, but 5 games is surely too small a sample size. Let's withhold judgement on the coaching staff for a bit, at least until they've trailed in a game or two. We shouldn't have to wait long: the Tigs will be tested by their division rivals from Chicago and Cleveland next week (I'll be travelling to CoPa for the Cleveland game next Friday).

Of the 5-0 start, Leyland said "I don't (put) much stock in it. I put stock in the fact that these games give us confidence and help us feel better about ourselves. We still have a long hill to climb." Couldn't have said it better myself. It's more than a bit early to tell if the team is for real, but certainly the momentum can't be a bad thing.

They're not exactly the Bless You Boys of '84 yet, but finally the Tigers might be a relevant major league franchise again.

-NJV

Pics to Click

2006-04-07T19:40:00.000-04:00

This week had been relatively sunny, clear, and warm here in Chicagoland. Today the weather has turned gloomy and the temperature dropped to 40 degrees. Naturally, Fridays are my days off. Stuck inside, I watched the Cubs triumph over the Cards in Opening Day at Wriggles and tried to fight off the doldrums by reading and other indoor activities. The reading enabled me to finally finish off Bill Simmons' Now I Can Die In Peace, which may eventually lead to a Noob Sports book review. More importantly, the pointless perusing of the internet (i.e. Deadspin) led me to something much greater: the following NBA family portraits, which I'm certain will improve your day as well.

The Wallaces enjoy a beautiful day in the country, although father looks like he is about to get T'd up.

The Bibby family strikes a pose for Olan Mills. Isn't their youngest adorable?

Nothing cheers me up more than seeing the illegitimate spawn of my favorite NBA commentator, Bill Walton.

Tony Parker's wealthy ancestors.

The many generations of Boozers.

And finally, the Hamiltons take a break from their family reunion.

Enjoy the weekend.

-NJV

Chuck and the Schmuck

2006-04-07T03:24:00.000-04:00

I remember when the phrase "I'm Charles Rogers! I had 68 catches and 13 touchdowns!!!" became a part of my daily vocabulary. The Madden 2004 commercial debuted shortly after the Lions made C-Rog the #2 overall pick in the 2003 NFL Draft. The spot featured Ray Lewis hazing the wide receiver from Saginaw, Michigan by making him sing and clap and by zinging footballs at him from close range (you button hooked me!).

The future members of the Noob Sports family took to the commercial immediately. Not only was it pretty hilarious, we all expected big things from Chuck in the pros. The man had already earned legendary status playing football and basketball in Sag-Nasty before dominating the Big Ten at East Lansing. Rogers even dunked on SEL in a Gus Macker tournament once, no joke.

During the ensuing 2,543 Madden fantasy drafts to take place in the bunker of the house called Old Style, use of the "68 catches and 13 touchdowns" chorus was mandatory upon his selection. Of course, he absolutely raked on that game. He regulary developed into the top receiver in the league within a couple seasons. You couldn't go wrong with either him or Andre Johnson.

In his first regular season NFL game, Chuck had 2 touchdowns against the Cardinals. You might also remember this game for Anquan Boldin's debut: 10 grabs for 217 yards and 2 touchdowns. After watching Boldin's explosion, I couldn't sign on to my fantasy football team fast enough to add him to my roster, but I never would have traded Chuck for him.

I'd been had, along with every other Lion fan. Johnson and Boldin have both made the Pro Bowl in their 3 seasons. In his 3 seasons, Charles Rogers has been seriously injured twice, suspended for drug use (which also means that he failed 3 seperate drug tests), and completely underwhelming. His poor attitude is confusing, his drive is non-existent, and his production is embarrassing.

Today, I renounce my loyalty to Charles Rogers... and Mike Williams is a punk bitch too.

MLive is reporting that both Rogers and Williams have managed to irk their new coaching staff just 3 weeks into a 14 week offseason program. Marinelli and his staff believe Rogers has no focus, poor work habits, and that he parties too much. At least he's showing up I guess. Williams hasn't even done that much. He skipped out of Detroit after showing up overweight for the first 4 meetings.

After returning from his drug suspension last fall, Rogers couldn't crack a depleted WR rotation and often wasn't even active on Sundays. He has been a bigger disappointment than Joey Harrington. In fact, his lack of effort effectively threw Harrington under the bus at times. He literally stunk up the field and then laughed about it. Chuck couldn't even get fired up when the Lions filed a grievance against him and went after his signing bonus. Even after all that tomfoolery, Charles apparently figures he's got nothing to prove to his new coach.

Meanwhile, Williams was projected to be an effective red zone target because of his size but he only caught one TD all season. In fairness to him, he also got banged up and certainly must have had a tough adjustment to the NFL after sitting out an entire season. He has no excuses for his attitude though; rumor has it that Williams arrived late to team practices and meetings at an almost ridiculous rate. Michael Smith reported that he had already been tardy to at least 10 team functions by August 29 (!), and it didn't stop there. But after that first impression, somehow he doesn't think that attending the offseason program is something he should do.

Amazingly, these guys have learned nothing since those shenanigans last season. Even with that big softie Mooch no longer running things, the WRs have failed to shape up. Does C-Rog not realize that he is lucky that they didn't cut him yet? Is Mike Williams not concerned that he couldn't get seperation from NFL defensive backs during a pathetic rookie campaign? Can we pitch in and get him an alarm clock?

Matt Millen got punk'd again. How do you draft a wide receiver three years in a row without absolutely knowing that the guy you are taking is a lock to succeed? Why can't his new, handpicked, allegedly badass coach motivate these slackers? Why weren't these problems addressed last season? Isn't it abundantly clear that despite an eye for athleticism, Millen has no idea how to construct a winning football team?

Having said that, I wish I could go on to say that I saw this one coming. Truth be told, I thought Chuck was going to be the truth, even after his injuries. Hell, I still believe there is a small chance that he does eventually make a Pro Bowl. You could probably successfully scrape the inside of his lungs for resin, but his 6'3, 220 lb. frame and big smile are still so promising.

But until he gives an honest effort, I can no longer cheer for him or give him the benefit of the doubt. He and Mike Williams have done nothing to deserve the loyalty of Lions fans. Both should be booed and heckled without mercy until further notice. Right now, they are basically stealing money from the franchise. The lack of intelligence, integrity, and respect shown in their actions is almost disgusting.

Time for the cheesy yet ominous ending, and damn you Charles for making me say this: if they don't shape the hell up soon, and there is no reason to expect that they will, they should be shipped the hell out... along with the joker who drafted them.

-NJV

Fantasy Baseball Draft Results II

2006-04-06T13:53:00.000-04:00

Team Repo Men may have possibly the most inept offensive lineup in the league outside of Team Taffypants. The glue that may be able to hold this team together is its top 4 starters which includes Schilling, Sheets, Halladay, and the Gambler. This is only as long as their arms don't manage to fall off around the All-Star break. While I can't manage to keep up with the speed possessed by Hans Brix United, I do have a few burners in Furcal, Willie Tavares, Tadahito Iguchi, and Rowand that might help me out on the basepaths.

The biggest boost from my team, which may win an award for the most potential comeback players of the year award nominees, (Mag Pipes, Javy Lopez, Schilling, and Sheets) is Barry Lamar Bonds. If he can avoid a massive meltdown, stay healthy, and continue to avoid syringes thrown onto the field then he could be the biggest steal in the draft in round 5.

This should be a pretty exciting fantasy season and I have to admit that it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to finally be in what looks to be a legit fantasy baseball league. Fuck the Lemons and long live the Repo Men!!

Owner: Matt "Reach-around" Shults
Team: Buck Futter

First of all I must introduce myself: I am NJV's cousin Matt Shults and I co-own the team Buck Futter with my good friend Joe Nienhuis. Joe and I feel a bit like the outcast in the league. We only really know Nate. Joe and I have met Steve and Neckers a couple of times. Already, Joe and I agree the draft may have been the most entertaining draft we have particiapted in, it was very interesting just to read all the nasty comments the rest of these so-called friends made to each other. I will admit that I did fall asleep twice during the draft because I think it was longer than Victor Conte's jail sentence. As far as the Buck Futters, we feel real good about our pitching, especially our starters (Carpenter, Patterson, Westbrook, Capuano, D.Davis and former Michigan State Spartan Mark Mulder) but as for our hitting we feel pretty weak in that department. Our infield is not bad, especially with two quality first basemen (Berkman and Korenko) but our outfield leaves a lot to be desired as of today (M. Ramirez, M. Bradley, and Francoeur). Joe and I discussed our feelings about the team and we feel like we are pretty middle of the road. If our pitching can carry us and our hitters are better than expected, we might make a run. But to be honest, we are not really expecting to take home the cash.

Owner: Adam "Daddy" Brod
Team: Midway LawnMowers

To be quite honest with you, my paragraph comes to you live as i get my first look at my team (a shocking 2 days after the draft), as i did not partake in the drafting festivities due to getting bombed and playing Golden Tee during the NCAA championship game that netted me $275 in gambling profits. I had my little brother draft for me, and i'm told I went on autopilot after the 11th round. Let's see what we got.

As for the bats/field positions: the mauer of power catching, not bad ... CECIL FIELDER'S KID?!?!? ... i've never heard of my shortstop ... VLAD the best pure player in the game that's nice ... ryan "the freel deel" at utility is solid, he'll play anywhere ... SO king geoff jenkins, chronic DLer in no-MAH

Pitching: potential NL cy young winner in Peavy, which is cool if you like sub-.500 playoff teams, the 2006 NL saves leader in Billy Wags, and it looks like i have Cy Young himself...no wait that's chris young. and the only man who could challenge Marty Unsworth at eating shrimp - CC Sabathia who is already on the DL cleaning out the Soaring Eagle Buffet.

Overall Impressions: my best bet to win the title here is if VLAD has a monster year, Prince lives up to extraordinary hype, Peavy wins 35, wagner gets 60 saves, and pretty much everyone on all other teams spends significant amounts of time on the DL, I'll have to place a few calls...

Owner: Travis "Prison Rape" Tamminga
Team: Dirt McGurt

Overall I am very pleased with my team, which is surprising because I drafted 11th, which I hated, and I went to the bar in the afternoon, got completely shitfaced and forgot about the draft. I had to cruise home wasted and even called Neckers on my way to try and get him to stall round one for me. Perhaps he got distracted by my phone call and that is why he passed on Tex and drafted Wright 4th overall. By the way, I don't advocate drinking and driving, but it is perfectly acceptable if you have important things to do...like get to a fantasy draft. I'm not completely sold on my starters, but I feel I really like my bullpen. As I am typing this Shelton is on pace to hit 324 homeruns and Thome 162, so I will easily win the homeruns, runs, and rbi categories. I have to thank Barwick for handing Harden (who I have a severe man-crush on) to me in round 4. It made my team.

My Best Pick - Joey Gathright (round 19) - If he gets a starting job he could easily lead the MLB in steals and could have a season on par with a player like Podsednik, who went 11 rounds earlier.

My Worst Pick - Ken Griffey Jr. (round 10) - I blame the booze for this pick. I have no idea why I made it. I hate Griffey and have never had him on any of my fantasy teams. I know I am going to regret this pick.

League Best Pick - Todd Helton (round 4) Rubberneckers- All he does is hit. He didn't put up his usual numbers last year, but he started off slow and absolutely mashed in the 2nd half. I think round 4 is a steal for Helton.

League Worst Pick - Hank Blalock (round 2) - Midway Molotavs - Blalock isn't that good, period. He does hit in that shoe box in Texas and will get you homers, but he only hit 25 of them last year and he did it while hitting .263, scoring 80 runs and not breaking 100rbi. There were a LOT better players to take at that point. Honorably mentions for worst pick are: Mussina (round11) and any pick made my Team Taffypants.

Owner: Ryan "The D.C. Strangler" Barwick
Team: The Districts

After two days I'm in first place, and I feel so good about my team that I posted "First place, did you expect anything less?" on the league message board while I was drunk. Speaking of which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with missing my flight to San Diego to watch the World Baseball Classic because I was too hungover and didn't want to wake up, even after my roommate physically woke me up and told me to go to the airport. Anyway, I mistakenly selected Jeff Kent when trying to draft Rich Harden, and then that bastard Tamminga took him. My favorite pick was Miguel Cabrera, but my favorite player is admitted steroid user Jason Giambi.

Also, that Roger Clemens is a line stealing bastard. I was making innappropriate remarks about taking Korea to the cleaners long before that ass-clown did it to the media.

Owner: Steve "Tripod" Lepper
Team: Centurians

Would you rather be a cent, or.... take a punch to the stomach from Mike Tyson wearing no gloves? This is the question you must ask yourselves. The Centurians drafted a well-rounded team, with speed, power, and good overall pitching. The outfield of Ichiro, Gary Sheffield, and (pick one: Cliff Floyd/Jose Guillen) is one of the best in the league. The Derek's (Lee and Jeter) lead a strong infield, and Pudge should be the glue that keeps the team together (there should be plenty more 5/5 games out of him in the future).

As far as the pitching goes, the Cents stayed young with the D-train, King Felix, Noah Lowry and Zach Duke leading the team. They also went heavy on the closers, taking Trevor Hoffman, Bob Wickman, Todd Jones (only the Lord saves more than Todd Jones, don't forget it), and Jonathon Papelbon. Look for the Centurians to be near the top of the table the entire year.

Best Pick: Jonathon Papelbon in the 21st round.

Worst Pick: None, the draft was immaculate.

Having Their Phil

2006-04-05T02:27:00.000-04:00

The Los Angeles Lakers are in much better shape than you realize.

After beating the Rockets 104-88 on Sunday, the Lakers have won 7 of their last 10 and find their won-loss record at 40-35. If the season ended today, they would capture the 7th seed in the West and face the Dallas Mavericks in the first round. That's not overly impressive at first glance, but consider that last season the team collapsed down the stretch en route to finishing 34-48.

The difference has been health and the return of Phil Jackson. The Zen Master has his team peaking at just the right time. Lamar Odom, Smush Parker, Kwame Brown, and Luke Walton are playing their best basketball of the season as they have grown accustomed to their roles. Obviously, a big part of that comfort level is a better understanding of the triangle offense after 75 games. A less obvious reason for their success is Phil's unique ability to see the big picture.

Take Kwame Brown for example. Watching Kwame on offense during his first games as a Laker was like watching "Envy" starring Jack Black and Ben Stiller-- it was inexplicably brutal. With Jack Black starring and Christopher Walken playing a hobo, you might figure you are in for some good laughs; with Kwame, you see his 7 foot frame run gracefully up and down the floor and expect a good basketball player. Instead, both the movie and the player were supreme disappointments.

With every dropped pass and botched post move, Kwame tested even the most optimistic Laker fans. No one would have blamed Phil if he scrapped plans to develop Kwame and instead went with Andrew Bynum or Brian Cook. Luckily, that's not his style. All along, the Zen Master would only publicly say that Kwame was a long term project and that he would be pleased with Brown's effort so long as he played defense, putting no undue pressure on the mentally fragile big man. With Chris Mihm injured, the mind games paid off; Brown averaged 15 points and 10 boards over his last 5 games before Sunday's contest.

This brief run of competence from Kwame is nothing to get too excited about, but is worth mentioning to illustrate Phil's adept handling of his players. Phil has also done an excellent job handling Kobe this year. There has been very little friction between the two, mainly because Phil knows that the Lakers need Kobe to shoot and shoot often. The complaints about Kobe shooting too much have come from the press and fans this year, not Phil.

Kobe is having an MVP caliber season, highlighted by his 81 and 62 point games. Bryant is averaging a league high 34.8 ppg also just tied Elgin Baylor's team record of 23 games over 40 points in a season. Do you think Dallas is looking forward to facing Kobe in the first round after their entire team was outscored by his 62 points through 3 quarters in December? Do you think Avery Johnson wants to match wits with Phil Jackson? Not a chance.

Obviously, no one is predicting a championship this spring for the Lake Show. This team is lacking another scorer and a true power forward. Fortunately for Jerry Buss, the Lakers do own two first round picks, a couple tradeable bigs (Mihm and Bynum), and an improving salary cap condition. Rumors of deals for Chris Bosh, Carlos Boozer, and Kevin Garnett abound on internet boards, though that is clearly not the most accurate source of information. More realistic options for Mitch Kupchak are packaging Chris Mihm and his friendly contract along with a first rounder to either add a veteran (a sign and trade for Nene?) or move into the lottery while searching for an impact 4 (LaMarcus Aldridge?). Or Kupcake could sit tight and wait until next summer when the Lakers will be under the salary cap and able to bid on potential free agents Bosh, Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, Rashard Lewis, and Chauncey Ba-Ba-Ba- Billups. Don't forget that free agents love LA.

While its always fun to project player movement, Kobe is certainly not looking towards next year. He wants to prove that he can win in the playoffs without Shaq. With Phil and Kobe clicking anything might be possible, but Shaq is going to go deeper into the playoffs than LA this spring. By this time next year however, the Laker franchise will be in a much better long term situation than the Heat.

-NJV

Fantasy Baseball Draft Results I

2006-04-04T14:48:00.000-04:00

[Editors Note: The Noob Sports fantasy baseball league is underway, and the draft is complete. It's a standard 12 team, 5x5 rotisserie league. The editors asked every team to write a paragraph or so about their team. The following is what the owners have said.]

Owner: Matt "Wampies" Seitz and Justin "The Davis" Davis
Team: Team Townie

Team Townie can flat-out rake. Everyone except for the trainwreck I have at catcher should have 100 rbis in the starting lineup. The key is to keep Barmes from carrying things up stairs. Maybe someone can even fool Beltre into thinking its another contract year and he can have a huge season. Even though we have the gayest player in the league outside of Mike Piazza in A-Rod, we have the best linebacker in the league in Farnsworth to make up for it. Well, since I excel at everything I do, I expect nothing short of a title. That is as long as the co-ownership between Wampies and The Davis doesn't cause problems. And I'm still pissed I passed on Oswalt at pick 25, looking at the starters I have now. Just have to keep Colon away from all buffets I guess.

Owner: Todd "Noop" Neckers
Team: RubberNeckers

A witty name and a potent lineup are sure to lead the most scholastically-endowed member of the Noobsports league to victory. Employing a strategy based exclusively on scarcity of resources, Team RubberNeckers made some bold moves, including David Wright 4th overall, and drafting no pitchers in the first 5 rounds.

"If you want to win playing rotisserie this year, you have to pay for steals." - Todd Neckers

This team will dominate steals and easily win batting average, and also lead the league in starting batters who play in the national league (8 out of 9). Additionally, for any readers in the greater Charlottesville, Virginia area, Team Owner Todd Neckers will be the starting pitcher of the University of Michigan Law School Men's softball team headed to a tournament at the University of Virginia (1st game Saturday morning vs. Harvard).

"Todd Neckers throws straight JUNK out there, he's like a 5'9" right-handed Randy Johnson without a mullet but with more illegitimate love children" - Peter Gammons

Owner: Derek "Deeznuts" Degroot
Team: Prior's Bad Shoulder

Lets be honest, my team has the best pitcher in baseball (Santana), last years HR king (Jones), the best catcher in baseball (Martinez), and a youngster with 50 HR power (Howard). If a few more pieces fall into place, such as the return of the rocket and the rocket wanna-be (Wood), not even the great Van Heest (nice draft nate) will be able to catch me.

Best Pick- Beckett in the 7th round (Rubberneckers)
Worst Pick- Broke Back Hermanson in the 13th (Team Taffypants)

And...Be aware Im like the Town Whore of Fantasy Baseball, Ill trade anytime, anywhere. Bring all offers.

Owner: Justin "Strick" Stricklen
Team Name: Cuckoo 4 Coco Crisp

I will win this league because I have the classiest team name and easily the most dominant pitching. I am convinced that the Unit, Z-Train, and Buehrle will win a combined 60 games. I have the best double play combo in the league, Adam Dunn will hit 54 bombs, and Scott Rolen is a flat out steal in Rd 6. Much hate to Hans Brix for taking Coco, he is the only thing lacking from a perfect squad. Onto my draft analysis...oh yeah and Team Taffypants should get some sort of award for consecutive terrible picks.

Top 5 Best picks

5. Todd Helton (rd 4) rubberneckers

4. Pat (the bat) Burrell (rd 8) Team Townie

3. C.C. Sabathia (rd 12) Midway Molotavs

2. Adrian Beltre (rd 13) Team Townie

1. Coco Crisp (rd 9 ) Hans Brix United

Top 5 worst picks

5. Pedro Martinez (rd 2) Team Taffypants

4. Mariano Rivera (rd 3) Team Taffypants

3. Juan Pierre (rd 4) Team Taffypants

2. Brandon Inge (rd 21) Team Taffypants

1. Coco Crisp (rd 9) Hans Brix United

Owner: Michael "Munch" Mault
Team: Team Taffypants

Team Taffypants' draft night started in interesting fashion. I was on the clock until 10:30 and I had my 15 year old cousin drafting for me (the kid knows little about sports he thought the Detroit hockey team was the Flyers, and he lives in PA). I feel he did well in drafting Ortiz and Martinez. I took over the reigns in the 3rd round. My overall thoughts on Team Taffypants are very mixed. I believe I should be solid in homeruns and rbi, but the rest of the hitting statistics are in question. My pitching should be fairly solid. Pedro is a given 15 wins, 200 K's, Rivera should have 35+ saves, Bonderman should be having his breakout year, hopefully Zito pulls his head out of his ass, and I believe I got two steals in Radke and Glavine as very late draft choices. As for Team Taffypants' goals, simply finish above Team Townie and cuckoo 4 coco crisp.

Owner: Nate "Kickstand" Van Heest
Team: Hans Brix United

Herro! Hans Brix United is the odds on favorite to win the inaugural Edgar Stiles Cup after netting some serious WMDs with my first 3 picks in Albert Pujols, Bobby Abreu, and Roy Oswalt. My starting pitching (Oswalt, Smoltz, Schmidt, Lackey, Contreras) fits my philosophy of strikeout pitchers on good teams. No shitty scud missiles here, just nuclear weapons that should make sure I win the arms race. The firepower around Pujols and Abreu is a blend of big bats (Delgado, Ensberg, Barrett, Drew) and speed (Weeks, Coco Crisp, Hunter). In roto leagues, like weapons inspections, you're better off focusing your resources on your high priority targets.

Fortunately, closers do not qualify (Dempster, Borowski) but I can even fix that weakness with one deal or a shrewd free agent pickup. If healthy, Hans Brix & Co. will be chugging bronsons out of the Edgar Stiles Cup at the UN in October.

[Part II coming tomorrow]

Beisbol Has Been Bery, Bery Good To Me

2006-04-04T12:46:00.000-04:00

These last three days of the college basketball season have been a shocker. The games have been so bad, so unbearable to watch, that I'm not even going to talk about them. All I'm going to say is Congratulations Florida, you're the champs, and you did it with out one of Sag-Nasty's all-time best street ballers: Peeper (Anthony Roberson). Quite frankly, I would rather watch the women's final four. Actually, not really, women's basketball is terrible.

More importantly, beisbol season upon us! Yesterday was the opener, and the 162 game marathon that is the major league baseball season has begun. My thoughts on opening day:

- An admittedly nervous Jem Leyland got his first win as the Tigers manager. I believe he smoked 3 packs of cigarettes during the game, up from his normal 2. Hopefully his nerves will be calmer the next time. The gambler looked great, going 6 innings giving up 1 earned run, and 5 strikeouts. I still argue that the older Kenny Rogers gets, the better his sinker is because he can't throw as hard.

Chris Shelton went 3 for 4 with 2 jacks, but my favorite story of the night was Tigers young stud Joel Zumaya. Zumaya came in and pitched 2 innings. He gave up 1 hit and 1 walk, and struck out 3. Folks, Zumaya brings GAS. Every fastball was recorded in the 97-99 MPH range, and it's been rumored that he routinely cracks 100 on the radar gun. He also mixes in his other pitches, as one of his strikeouts was recorded as a 78 MPH curveball that just buckled the hitters knees. Zumaya's performance was so moving, Buster Olney wrote about him.

- I know we have a lot of Chicago readers here, and my guess would be that they're mostly CUbs fans (who likes the White Sox?). This probably comes as a huge surprise, but the best two horses in your stable, Prior and Wood, start the season on the disabled list. That's all right, there's always next year.

C.C. "Splish splash I was takin" Sabathia went to the disabled list after one pitch. When asked what the problem was, C.C. replied "Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger!!!". Huh.

It looks like Nomar Hamm-Garciaparra will take his first trip to the DL today with a strained intercostal muscle. I'm pretty sure that doesn't even exist. As of now, there is still no word yet on when the Dodgers are planning to fire GM Ned Colletti.

- A lot of the buzz out west this year is about the A's and their pitching staff, how good it is. They lookd outstanding yesterday in their debut against the Yankees.

- In San Diego last night, after the bottom of the 8th inning as the Giants were jogging off the field, a fan threw a syringe at Barry Lamar Bonds. Oh man, that is straight up OUTSTANDING. My guess is that it's the same Korean fan that held up the sign that said "Ichiro, Close yo mouth cuz you have SARS." I wonder if the syringe throw will make ESPN's new hit reality show "Bonds on Bonds"?

- Finally, the Noob Sports fantasy baseball league has drafted, and that's exciting for everybody. In the next couple days, we'll bring you what each manager thinks about his (or in Titty's case - her) team, and how they will fare during the season. Now take a deep breath and relax, because baseball season is upon us.

-SEL

Moneyball

2006-04-02T14:10:00.000-04:00

Bold predictions for the 2006 MLB Season...

Division Winners:
AL East - New York Yankees
AL Central - Chicago White Sox
AL West - Oakland A's
AL Wild Card - Cleveland Indians

NL East - New York Mets
NL Central - St. Louis Cardinals
NL West - San Francisco Giants
NL Wild Card - Philadelphia Phillies

Playoffs:
AL Division Series- Yankees over Indians, A's over White Sox
NL Division Series - Cardinals over Phillies, Giants over Mets

AL Championship Series - A's over Yankees
NL Championship Series - Cardinals over Giants

World Series - A's over Cardinals

Individual Awards:
AL MVP - Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees
NL MVP - Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals

AL Cy Young - Rich Harden, Oakland A's
NL Cy Young - Roy Oswalt, Houston Astros

AL Rookie of the Year - Justin Verlander, Detroit Tigers
NL Rookie of the Year - Prince Fielder, Milwaukee Brewers

AL Strikeout King - Johan Santana, Minnesota Twins
NL Strikeout King - Brett Myers, Philadelphia Phillies

AL Saves Leader - Huston Street, Oakland A's
NL Saves Leader - Billy Wagner, New York Mets

AL Home Run King - Mark Texeira, Texas Rangers
NL Home Run King - Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants

AL Batting Champ - Ichiro, Seattle Mariners
NL Batting Champ - Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals

AL Comeback Player of the Year - Jim Thome, Chicago White Sox
NL Comeback Player of the Year - Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants

AL Manager of the Year - Joe Maddon, Tampa Bay Devil Rays
NL Manager of the Year - Charlie Manuel, Philadelphia Phillies

Take it to the bank.

-NJV

Go Drink Some Tea Whore

2006-03-31T14:36:00.000-05:00

[Editors Note: This is taken from www.collegehumor.com. We found it to be so funny, that we would post it here so you can all see it. The second paragraph (that the male writes) just SLAYS us. Pictures have been added by the editor to make the story better. Enjoy]

Remember the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?' Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Penn.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.

The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

--------------------------------------------------------------

STORY:

(First paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.
But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

------------------------------------------------------

(Second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one^s innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Bitch.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Wanker.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Slut.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Get fucked.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Eat shit.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

**********************************************

(Teacher)

A+ - I really liked this one.

An Optimist's Look at the Detroit Tigers

2006-03-30T11:47:00.000-05:00

5 reasons to believe that the Detroit Tigers could have their first winning season since 1993.

1. Justin Verlander and Joel Zumaya both made the team and throw a legit 100 mph. Probable multiple Cy Young winner Verlander, the second overall pick in the 2004 draft and Baseball America's top pitching prospect in all of baseball, won the competition for the fifth spot in the lineup this spring while Zumaya, Baseball America's 12th ranked pitching prospect in all of baseball, will start the season in the bullpen.

Probable multiple Cy Young winner Verlander has grabbed most of the headlines but Zumaya has scouts raving too. According to ESPN's Jayson Stark, some baseball execs have called him the best young arm they've seen while backup catcher Vance Wilson claims that catching his triple digit heater is "like catching a shot put." Zumaya might be groomed as closer, although he has been a starter throughout his entire professional career.

If these two young studs are truly ready for the bigs, the Tiger pitching staff is deep and will attack hitters in a variety of ways. Imagine facing soft throwing lefties Mike Maroth or Kenny Rogers for 6 innings then having the flame-throwing Zumaya and Fernando Rodney come in for an inning each in front of "Only the Lord Saves More Than" Todd Jones? That's a tough adjustment for hitters to make. If probable multiple Cy Young winner Verlander falters in the rotation, Roman Colon is nastier than Big Pun ("you nasty, twin-- I don't care").

2. Jim Leyland knows what he's doing. Detroit fans should notice an immediate difference in the attitude of their ballclub. Leyland called out his team a couple weeks back for being "too nice" and lacking emotion or character. Hmmm... wonder if that attitude reflects Alan Trammell at all? (No offense Tram, we love you and you kinda got screwed but we gotta move on.)

In between cigarettes, Leyland also assembled a coaching staff featuring crowd favorites Lloyd McClendon and Andy Van Slyke. I also like his decisions regarding Nook Logan and Roman Colon. Leyland was openly enamored with Logan's speed initially but rightfully will give Curtis Granderson the job after Nook showed once again that he can't really do anything well aside from running around (and play Halo 2). Marcus Thames deserved to make the team based on his performance for the Mudhens the last couple seasons. Hopefully, Leyland will find him enough at bats so that he can settle into a nice groove. Colon pitches better as a starter and therefore Leyland wisely sent him down to Toledo to continue his development. Leyland's lineup seems a bit off (Pudge batting third, Guillen seventh, and Shelton eighth) but that can be tweaked as needed.

3. Jeremy Bonderman and Curtis Granderson are going to be around for a long time. Bondermania is ready for a breakout season in his fourth year while Granderson leaves spring training as a starter for the first time. Both have won over the new coaching staff and Tigers fans have a lot to be excited about.

Granderson batted .379 with 5 homers, 11 RBI, 7 steals and 12 walks in spring training and just had his 25th birthday a couple weeks ago. The former UIC Flame is a sleeper in fantasy drafts because he has all the tools. Bonderman is just 23 and while Tiger fans are well acquainted with him, they shouldn't forget that he could easily have made the All Star team in 2005. With a fresh arm after getting shut down late in '05, Bondermania is an easy pick to win 15 games.

4. The AL Central is not as strong as you think. I'm not sure if I've read more stories about the White Sox re-loading for another championship run or about how promising Cleveland's future is. Digging a bit deeper, both teams are flawed and certainly not invincible.

The Pale Hose have some serious bullpen issues with Hermanson injured. Neil Cotts and Bad Bobby Jenks could be lights out but have had troubles in spring training and the rest of the 'pen is nothing special. The White Sox will also start a rookie centerfielder and an aging DH coming off a serious injury. Plus, Jon Garland and Jose Contreras will come back to Earth a bit, Freddy Garcia was only throwing 86 mph yesterday, Joe Crede and Juan Uribe are not as good as their postseasons, and Brandon McCarthy has been getting knocked around this spring like an aging Evander Holyfield.

Cleveland played a bit over their heads last fall when they put a huge scare into Chicago. Since then, they've lost Coco Crisp, Kevin Millwood, Bobby Howry and Scott Elarton and were unable to upgrade at closer. Don't get me wrong: the Indians are still making all the right moves, it's just that they might not be ready to win the division in 2006.

5. Owner Mike "Hairpuck" Ilitch has promised to spend money at the trading deadline if the team is still competitive. Ilitch hasn't done much to win over the hearts of Tiger fans, but in fairness to him, he hasn't owned a contending baseball team. Alright, enough of defending him; Ilitch has been a terrible baseball owner. However, if he is willing to spend to bring a couple stars in when the Motor City Kitties prove to be close to contention, some of his past transgressions will be forgiven.

-NJV

NIT Dynasty

2006-03-29T12:07:00.000-05:00

In early February, back before college basketball turned to madness, back when there was some sense in the world and people thought the Big 10 and Big East were by far the best two conferences in college basketball, I was relaxing on the couch in Crested Butte and I caught a college game day. These were the days when the on-air personalities would ask questions like "how many teams from the Big 10 and Big East will make the final 4? Will they take up all 4 spots, or will there be an upset and they'll only have 3?"

Anyway, as has been the trend for ESPN and it's shows, they've gone away from reporting sports news and the games in favor of made up discussions and arguments. Whatever will cause friction on the show, upset people watching at home, or whoever can make the boldest and most outlandish claims apparently makes for better television than reporting what is actually happening.

Well, I caught an episode of "College Gameday", and their question was "who is the sleeper team to make the final 4?" Watching from home, my answer was George Mason, but everybody laughed at me. When Digger Phelps came around, he said that his sleeper team for the final 4 was the University of Michigan. Hell yes Digger! Besides the fact that they haven't made the big dance for the last 8 years, and they have the most apathetic coach in the history of sports, Digger and his tie-lighter picked them to finish in the final four.

Well, Mr. Phelps, you're an idiot, Michigan didn't even make the big...

Wait, what? Michigan is in the final 4 of the NIT? Oh Digger you sly dog. They didn't specify WHICH final 4 they were asking about, so you gave them an honest answer and turned out to be correct. An idiot savant.

That's right folks, Mgoblue.com/mbball rolled into the final 4 of the NIT tournament and promptly dismantled Old Dominion, beating them by 23 points in the Garden. After the game, I was thinking about rescinding my application that I had already sent in to Old Dominions grad. school, and was on the verge of doing it, until Nate reminded me that probable Cy Young winner Justin Verlander attended school there. And the slate is wiped clean.

Anyway, Meechigan is now in the finals and plays South Carolina for the championship. I love that Tommy Amaker has come in and made Michigan an NIT Dynasty. They won the NIT 2 years ago, last year they made it to the final 4 of the pre-season NIT, and they're in the finals of the NIT again this year. Just excellent work overall Mr. Amaker. Now if you could just get them to play hard during the end of the season and in the Big 10 tournament next year, maybe you can make it to the big dance and not fight for the title of who is the 66th best team in the country.

Oh yeah, South Carolina, if you recall, won the NIT last year, and are sure to defend their title with passion. This years matchup puts the '04 winner against the '05 winner, in a battle that will finally settle the long-time argument: Who is king of the NIT... Dave Odom or Tommy Amaker?

-SEL

Remembering San Diego

2006-03-28T00:40:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not know, Team Noob Sports and our good friends Bar-None and T-Necks took a trip out to San Diego for the semifinals and finals of the WBC. We had planned on updating the site every day or so, but that ended up not happening. We were having too good of a time, too much fun, laughing too hard, drinking too much, and generally making fools of ourselves all over the Gaslamp District and surroung areas. Below you'll find our thoughts on the events that took place over those glorious 4 days in March. Even though this is a week late, we still hope you get a kick out of it:

- Petco Park is a first class facility. The park itself is beautiful and is located in the heart of the Gaslamp Quarter, which is undergoing a lot of construction as new condos, apartments, and shops are being built. There are so many cranes involved in this process that it was openly speculated that there might actually be a crane factory beyond the outfield walls.

- Inside the stadium, the Jumbotron and screens are all crystal clear and the sight lines are much better than average. The seats are spacious, padded, and angled toward home plate. There also several unique features at Petco: the outfield features a wiffleball field, a beach, a "grassy knoll," and a "book depository." SEL wanted to take batting practice on the wiffs field, but apparently it's for kids only and it's a chick pitching the balls underhanded. Unfortunate, as it certainly would have been a display of power the likes of which Petco has never seen.

- In game 1, Cuba upset the Domicans 3-1. The game was also really, really cold. Bar-none was so cold that he had to go spend $55 on a WBC sweatshirt (which, admittedly, looked very sharp). We were all stunned at the level of excitement during the game, as whistles and drums and horns could be heard all over the stadium.

- It was exciting to see all the major league stars on the Domican team. At one point, there was about a billion dollars worth of baseball players stretching together in the outfield. Bartolo Colon and David Ortiz bothed looked bigger in real life, and that's saying something. Seeing those two led to a number of "who would win in an eating contest?" jokes. We kept imagining Colon and Papi sitting in the dugout, each trying to put down a monstrous burrito and chili dog as fast as they could. Great times. (For the record: Papi would win the eating contest, Colon the drinking contest)

- In about the 3rd inning, the Cubans brought in a pitcher by the name of Lazo. His warmup was the most half-assed thing any of us had ever seen as he lollipopped every one of his pitches, and this led to the inevetable "Lazy" nickname. Well, Lazy is awesome. The Dominicans couldn't TOUCH him. His throwing motion still looked very relaxed, but the speed gun said he was bringing 93 MPH heat.

- A gem by Bar-None: Dominican Adrian Beltre can't make a tough play at the hot corner, the diehard Mariner fans sitting in front of us look dismayed, and Team Barwick screams "He would have made the play if it was a contract year!!!" The crowd is generally amused but the Mariner fans clearly aren't impressed and cast their first of many disapproving glances.

- We had planned on going to the NCAA bball game being played at Cox Arena, but the Cuba/Domican game took about 7 hours to complete. Those plans were scratched, and were replaced by us psyching up for the night cap by playing drinking games. In between there was also a Dan Shaughnessy sighting... although we didn't realize that it was the Boston sportswriter until after he passed us. Turns out, it would be a preview of things to come.

- On our way to the stadium for the Korea/Japan game, we were wondering whether or not the crowd would be anything close to the Dominican/Cuba game. We've seen the Hispanic countries rally around their national teams before but we weren't sure what to expect in the night cap. We feared the game between Korea and Japan might not have as much electricity and energy as the first game. Plus there was a significant lack of star power in this game, especially when compared to the Dominican team. Ichiro was the only real big name (besides Choi... obviously much bigger than Ichiro). Thankfully, our fears were put to rest when we approached the stadium, and we saw...

- HOLY SHIT! It was total bedlam. The Korean supporters were nothing short of phenomenal. Outside the stadium, there were thousands of Koreans dancing and singing and chanting and everything you can imagine. One of the Koreans even had a sign that said "Ichiro, cover yo mouth like u got SARS!!!" How awesome is that?

- The stadium was more electric than words can describe. From the opening pitch, the supporters were yelling, screaming, cheering, and flat out going wild for every pitch and every play. Every pitch had the opportunity to put the crowd into a frenzy. The Korean supporters were officially vocal, as they booed Ichiro very loudly every at bat, and went wild for anything the Koreans did well. Throughout the game (pretty much 10 times an inning), they started a chant that went "Dae Han Min Guk!!! (bum bum, ba bum bum!)." It means: "One Republic of Korea". We decided to join in, going crazy and chanting "Hey, Harindo!!! (bum bum, ba bum bum!)." Give us a break, we were drunk and don't speak fluent Korean. The Korean supporters loved that we were with them, as an elderly Korean man sitting behind us offered SEL some "KOREA" thundersticks (and his daughter) to show his gratitude.

- Fortunately, Bar-None wins over the family sitting next to us by strategically presenting the kid with a t-shirt he caught. Now, they don't seem to mind that we keep crawling over them on every beer run and instead just roll their eyes and smile. We also realize that married people rarely speak to one another, a fact that is proven time and time again over the weekend.

- There was about a 45 minute rain delay in the 7th inning of the Korea/Japan game, and about 1/2 the people left. Obviously not the diehards. The cheers were just as loud with the stadium half full, and it was unbelievable to be there and witness it first hand. Team Japan ended up winning 6-0, and after the teams had shaken hands, the crowd burst into one final, boistorous "Dae, Han Min Guk!!!". Team Korea came out of the dugout and started bowing to the fans, and the fans went crazy, growing even louder with the chant. This was almost surreal, and certainly sent chills up and down all of our spines.

- None of us really remember our day off, Sunday. All any of us can recall is that it involved copious amounts of Caguama. For those of you who aren't familiar with the beer, think of a week old Ice House with a hint of lime. Basically, it tastes like turtle piss. Our day started off by Bar-None waking up, rolling out of bed, brushing his teeth, and promptly shotgunning a warm Caguama, to our collective dismay. As disgusting as it was, it got us fired up. Unfortunately, the other liquor in the hotel room was Old Crow Whiskey. The only things any of us can remember from the afternoon were a store called "Boating and Barwick," some water, a little hacky-sack, tossing ideas around with the Research & Development department, Bar-None yelling "Me love you long time" to a woman passing us by, and T-Necks chasing after a young child. Other than that, we're pretty sure nothing else happened. At least that's what our memory tells us.

- Monday was the big day, the final between Japan and Cuba. Capitalism vs. Communism. The game didn't start until 6 PM, so we spent the first part of the day visiting Hotel Del Coronado. To get to Coronado Island and the hotel, you must cross the massive Coronado Bridge and several other streets named after our favorite conquistador. Our cab driver smelled strongly of gin, reminisced about his time in the military, and mentioned his fear of the police on the island several times, probably because he had outstanding warrants. After dropping us off, he thought hard about scamming an extra $20 from NJV. The hotel was gorgeous, the beach was really nice, and the fruity drinks were outstanding. Also present were a couple nice pieces of "road beef."

- We made sure we got to the stadium early and found our favorite bar that we've ever seen inside any stadium. Nobody ever goes there, and it's tucked away in a back nook of the park... but it's OUTSTANDING. The beer prices are cheaper there than anywhere else in the park, and it has a beautiful view overlooking the bay of San Diego. Plus, the bartender looked strikingly similar to Ronaldinho (and she was a chick). Just to let you know how our night was going at this point, the bartender said "wow, you guys are really slowing down, I've only seen you 4 times since the game started." It was the 3rd inning at this point.

- Our seats were located on the Toyota Terrace, the middle section of the stadium. Coincidentally, the press box was located between the bar and our seats. The first time we walked by the press box, Bar-None opened the door and yelled into there: "Hey Shaughnessy!", which gave us a little laugh. Subsequently, every time after that he was a little drunker, and started yelling more things. "Hey Shaughnessy, I hate you!!!" and "Hey Shaughnessy, you owe me 10 large!!!". Needless to say things progressed until security glared at him every time he walked by. Absolutely hilarious.

- After the game we went out and partied with Ronaldinho. She was obviously unimpressed as SEL and T-Necks were trying to play Hack running down the street at full speed, through throngs of people. We ended up at a Tequila bar, which was a great decision. Apparently we went to a number of other bars, but none of us remember any of it. All we remember is at approximately 3 AM we ended up at a pizza place way out of the way, and it started downpouring. After 20 minutes trying to hail a cab (about 3 cars passed in the 20 minutes, and we legitimately thought about stealing one), one of the employees of the pizza place told us cabs never go by there, and told us we were only 8 blocks from our hotel. We ended up sprinting home, full-speed, to the lovely Hotel St. James, where the night ended.

- All in all, it was a fantastic trip. 4 days were filled with non-stop laughter. It was great to see each other again, and even better to see that although we all live in 4 different parts of the country (D.C., Ann Arbor, Chicago, Boulder), none of us had changed one bit. There were many inside jokes brought up again, and many fresh new ones to add to our arsenal. We got to experience some of the great eateries and drinkeries of San Diego, including: Star Bar, Whiskey Girl, the Oceanaire (first class, by the way), Hooters, Pandar, Ciro's... and many more. A pact was made by the four of us that as long as we're all alive and physically able, we're going to attend every single one of the WBC's, as this was a definite 10 out of 10 performance. We'll be back in 2009.

-The Noob Sports Family (pictured right... with our new second family, all Koreans. Dae Han Min Guk!!!)

Unnecessary Mock Draft III

2006-03-27T18:56:00.000-05:00

Our third unnecessary and under-achieving attempt at mocking the NFL Draft (NYC, April 29-30).

1. Houston Texans - Reggie Bush (RB USC) - The Texans are locked in on Reggie, barring an overwhelming offer. That scenario doesn't seem likely because no team appears to be in a position to make such a deal. The Packers, 49ers and Jets would love to have Reggie but have too many holes to make a trade including multiple picks. Domanick Davis has done a solid job for Houston, but complementing him with the electricity of Reggie will ideally take the pressure off David Carr and open things up for Andre "Ice Cold" Johnson. Perhaps GM Charlie Casserly has forgotten that everything starts up front: their O-line is still terrible.

2. New Orleans Saints - Mario Williams (DE, NC St.) - By signing Drew Brees and his injured shoulder to a 6 year deal, the Saints have basically put the #2 pick on the trading block. Any team hoping to jump in front of the Titans for Matt Leinart will have to make their move here. If they don't make a deal, the Saints will choose between Williams and D'Brickashaw Ferguson, with the Brick being the safer of the two players. However, Williams' stock has risen as his workouts and measurements have proven he is the prototypical defensive end.

3. Tennessee Titans - Matt Leinart (QB, USC) - The Titans would be thrilled with my sweet Brick as well, but reuniting Leinart with former coordinator Norm Chow is too tempting. I predict big things from Leinart in the league; there is nothing not to like about him. The Saints' loss is the Music City's gain.

4. New York Jets - D’Brickashaw Ferguson (OT, Virginia) - Have I mentioned how much we love D'Brickashaw? With Leinart and Williams off the board, the Brick is a no brainer for the Jets.

5. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Hawk (OLB, Ohio St.) - A.J. is an impact player, something the Pack desperately needs. Aside from KGB, Green Bay has no playmakers on the defensive side of the ball and no leaders. Apple Jack fills both needs.

6. San Francisco 49ers - Michael Huff (DB, Texas) - Huff is Mike Nolan's type of physical player and he is also versatile, playing corner or safety. The Niners will also think hard about Vernon Davis who would give Alex Smith a much needed offensive weapon. By the way, trading Brandon Lloyd to Washington for a couple middle round picks makes no sense. The man made highlight reel catches for a terrible team last year with a reasonable salary, yet his value is only third and fourth rounders?

7. Oakland Raiders - Vince Young (QB, Texas) - Al Davis will jump all over Vinny's athleticism if he falls this far and it's a good risk at #7. I'd say there is about a 50/50 chance he ends up as a bust, but what if his game translates to the next level? I know the Wonderlic score is a legit concern, but Dan Marino and Brett Favre weren't exactly scholars either. VY is a good fit for the Silver & Black.

8. Buffalo Bills - Haloti Ngata (DT, Oregon) - Ngata goes to the Bills in every mock draft. And just like the Bills, this pick is boring. I still stand by my initial assessment: Vernon Davis should be their primary target. I also still firmly believe that defensive tackles do not belong in the top 10 picks so let's move on.

9. Detroit Lions - Vernon Davis (TE, Maryland) - I have a hunch Davis won't be available for the Lions, but he is the only offensive player worth their consideration. Davis is a specimen: 6'3, 254 lbs and a sub-4.4 forty time. Other options for the third incarnation of the M&M boys are Huff and Jimmy Williams.

10. Arizona Cardinals - Jimmy Williams (CB, Virginia Tech) - Dennis Green may be tempted by Jay Cutler here, but he is also a sucker for immediate gratification. Williams would pair with Antrel Rolle to give the Cards arguably the two best CBs from each of the past 2 drafts. Williams is very big and very cocky and should be an interesting player to follow.

11. St. Louis Rams - Jay Cutler (QB, Vanderbilt)
12. Cleveland Browns - Ernie Sims (OLB, FSU)
13. Baltimore Ravens - Winston Justice (OT, USC)
14. Philadelphia Eagles - Santonio Holmes (WR, Ohio St.)
15. Denver Broncos - LenDale White (RB, USC)
16. Miami Dolphins - Johnathan Joseph (CB, South Carolina)
17. Minnesota Vikings - DeAngelo Williams (RB, Memphis)
18. Dallas Cowboys - Tamba Hali (DE, Penn St.)
19. San Diego Chargers - Chad Jackson (WR, Florida)
20. Kansas City Chiefs - Ashton "Feelin' On" Youboty (CB, Ohio St.)
21. New England Patriots - Laurence Maroney (RB, Minnesota)
22. Denver Broncos (from Washington) - Brodrick Bunkley (DT, FSU)
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tye Hill (CB, Clemson)
24. Cincinnati Bengals - Gabe Watson (DT, Michigan)
25. New York Giants - Chad Greenway (OLB, Iowa)
26. Chicago Bears - Leonard Pope (TE, Georgia)
27. Carolina Panthers - Bobby Carpenter (OLB, Ohio St.)
28. Jacksonville Jaguars - Demeco Ryans (OLB, 'Bama)
29. New York Jets - Sinorice Moss (WR, The U.)
30. Indianapolis Colts - Kamerion Wimbley (DE, FSU)
31. Seattle Seahawks - Nick Mangold (C, Ohio St.)
32. Pittsburgh Steelers - Mathias Kiwanuka (DE, Boston College)

-NJV

Literary Society Correspondence

2006-03-25T14:30:00.000-05:00

[Editor’s Note: Known mainly for his prowess as King of the Internet, Todd Neckers is a graduate of Hope College and currently a law student at the University of Michigan. At Hope he was a member of the most dynamic beer die tandem (pictured right) since his Grandfather, Carlyle Neckers (class of 1935) who played the game using shots of moonshine instead of beer due to restrictions on alcohol sales resulting from The Great Depression.]

If you had $50,000, an MLB press pass, and 10 months to devote exclusively to running a single, AL-only rotisserie fantasy baseball team, how would you fair?

That is the question Sam Walker sets out to answer in Fantasyland. Mind you he had never played fantasy baseball and joined the most prestigious and intense roto league on the planet: Tout Wars. Normally reserved for the most experienced players, Walker describes joining Tout Wars as being “like trying to learn cello by joining the London Philharmonic.” His opponents included an MBA, 3 lawyers, a Hollywood screenwriter, a pair of computer engineers, a participant with a master’s in Victorian literature, and fantasy writers from USA Today and Sports Illustrated. Some of them have even dabbled in front office jobs for big league teams.

Walker sets out by hiring a player scout and a NASA employee to help with statistics. His goal was to tie together the best of both worlds: old school scouts concerned with ‘make up’ and ‘tools’ – in order to give him insights that the fantasy geeks couldn’t get while pouring over the Bill James Handbook (or the books/magazines they produce to make a living), and an engineer to design and implement complicated projection algorithms similar to those utilized by his opponents (with about 60% accuracy, traditionally). From there he toured all 14 AL spring training sites in order to garner information that the other participants (known as “Touts”) would not have access to.

The book takes you along Walker’s journey from total noob to self-proclaimed fantasy genius and back again. Walker does a phenomenal job getting readers to feel like co-owners of his team (the “Streetwalkers”). You’ll watch him bombard opponents with trade offers, eventually leading to the elation of fleecing an opponent in one deal, only to watch him peddle away stars for peanuts and have huge moves blow up in his face.

The heart of the book is experiencing firsthand every fantasy player’s dream: 10 months devoted to nothing but your squad, with a staff to aid you, a newspaper to bankroll you and a press pass to give you personal access to your players for prodding, encouragement and even sharing the occasional beer (seriously). The book does drag a bit during the middle of the season, but this could merely the depth of Walker’s writing – any baseball fan or player knows that 162 games is a very long season – and in this book you experience that long season personally. This small short-coming is more than made up for by a wonderful history of the development of fantasy baseball and poignant anecdotes on topics ranging from a Florida minister who picks up tips for his roto team from the minor league umpires in his congregation to the story of a man saved from the 9/11 attacks by breaking from his daily routine (which would have left him trapped in a WTC elevator during the attacks) to trade for Magglio Ordonez. He has drafted Mags in the first round of every draft since.

This is the best baseball book since Moneyball, and unlike Michael Lewis’ masterpiece, Walker’s book will actually help your fantasy team (I still have a hard time not drafting Mark Teahen – a demi-god in Moneyball, but worthless in fantasy – in my fantasy leagues). From SABRMetric types to those of you who prefer the traditional ‘tools’ scouting method, this book is a can’t miss prospect, and at 344 pages, unlike Prince Fielder (at least according to Billy Beane), it is not too fat to make it in the major leagues.

Cheers.

(This review was brought to you by the letter D (in olde English script) and the number 1984.)

Important Announcement

2006-03-24T09:16:00.000-05:00

At the request of many of our fans, and on the heels of our successful March Madness tournament, the Noob Sports family proudly presents:

The first ever Noob Sports fantasy baseball league!!!

So go to Walmart and buy your broke-ass draft guide, it won't help you anyway.

Here's the skinny: it will cost $50/team to enter. Payouts will be determined by number of teams. We're setting the maximum number of teams at 16. It is a traditional 5X5 rotisserie league (R, HR, SB, RBI, AVG... W, S, K, ERA, WHIP). The draft takes place this coming TUESDAY at 10 PM EST (8 PM Mountain). Team availability is limited and interested parties should email us at noobsports@gmail.com as soon as possible. If you get accepted, we will send you an email with league number and password, and you'll then be informed about how to pay and who to pay.

Your email should include your fantasy baseball resume, as well as any reasons we should pick you to join such a prestigious league. Hilarious team names will receive bonus points (Hans Brix United is already taken). Thanks.

(And even though you're pretty much locks to get invited, Volk Face and Titty Bar still have to write us emails).

-Noob Sports Family

What's Your Fantasy? (3/23)

2006-03-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

The fantasy discussion continues...

- Who are the top 3 fantasy rookies?

Todd:
1. The Florida Marlins - Jeremy Hermida, Josh Willingham, Mike Jacobs and Jason Vargas. All 4 of these players will have value for your fantasy team this year to varying degrees. Hermida is a great keeper prospect and could be a 20/20 guy as a rookie. Willingham has the talent to lead all catchers in home runs. Jacobs' value is dependant on his PT - which could come at first or possibly catcher (with Willingham moving to left field) - if he gains cather eligibility, his value could skyrocket. Vargas will be the #2 starter this year behind the D-Train and will look to build off his solid debut last fall.

[Editor's note: If you want to see a funny joke, check out the official Marlins team depth chart.]

2. Justin Verlander / Joel Zumaya - Both of these guys should be staples in the Tigers rotation for a long time, and with Bondermania in front of them, we could be talking playoffs (playoffs!) in the near future. Zumaya won't help the fantasy team this year, but keep your eye on him for the future. Verlander's debut last fall was less than spectacular, but with a fastball topping out at 100mph, many see him as the top pitching prospect in the game.

3. Francisco Liriano - No pitching prospect has more potential than the Twins' Liriano. Unfortunately he is blocked in the rotation by the shocking Kyle Lohse and fellow rookie Scott Baker (who has the inside track for the 5th spot in the rotation). All Liriano needs is a chance and he will show what he can do. Before you know it this guy is going to be Johan Santana Jr.

And the top rookies who will can contribute on your squad this year:
1. Prince Fielder
2. Ryan Zimmerman
3. Delmon Young - if he gets the chance to play

Derek:
1. Prince Fielder - The Brewers thought so much of him they shipped off Lyle Overbay, and with good reason. Prince's power drawfs Overbays, and has been tearing through the minors since hitting .390 in rookie ball. He should blast 25 easy.

2. Francisco Liriano- Underrated part of the AJ Pierzynski deal in '03, the converted outfielder has a blazing 98 mph fastball and according to Baseball America, has better overrall stuff than Santana. Hed be No.1 on my list if I knew the Twins wouldn't baby him like they did Johan.

3. Jeremy Hermida- Think about it. He tore apart the minors. He had a sizzling September debut. And now, Hermida could give you 500 ab's, and that should net you a 20-20 man who will hit .300, and with a bonus .360 OBP for leagues who care.

NJV:
1. Prince Fielder - The Prince's reign could begin with 30 homers in 2006. If you find that your team is lacking power in the middle of your draft, bow down to the Prince.

2. Conor Jackson - In all honesty, the pick here should be Hermida but we needed to mix it up a bit. Jackson will battle Tony Clark for playing time, but the D-Backs won't be pushing for a playoff spot in 2006. It is time to see how Jackson fares against major league pitching so that the team can determine if he is part of their long term future. Jackson was a career .330 hitter in the minors and has hit .432 with 9 BB's this spring. Teammate Stephen Drew is a stud who might end up getting a lot of playing time this year as well, having only to beat out Craig Counsell at shortstop.

3. Matt Cain - The San Francisco starter pitched 46.1 innings in 2005, going 2-1 with a 2.33 ERA and 30 K's but retains his rookie eligibility. AT&T Park is a pitcher's park under any name and he should be the fourth starter for the Giants. Keep an eye on him in deep leagues and see if Cain is Abel to help your squad.

- Who are the top 5 starting pitchers in fantasy?

Todd:
1. Johan Santana. Don't be afraid to draft him 3rd overall, he's that good.

2. Roy Halladay. Just what the doc ordered - his numbers from last year are stifling (2.41 ERA, 0.96 WHIP - both better than Santana) - unfortunately he didn't even throw 150 innings due to injury. He will challenge Santana for the AL Cy Young this year - wins should be high with an improved lineup, but his ERA and WHIP will go up due to a suspect defense behind him.

3. Ben Sheets. Still young and his best days are in front of him. He is 3rd only if he can stay healthy, probably the biggest injury risk in my top 5.

4. Randy Johnson. Big Unit is still a stud, even in his advancing age. Look for the 3.7 ERA to dip back down closer to 3. He can still strikeout 200 and with that lineup helping him out, he could push 20 wins.

5. Pedro Martinez. The 2006 NY Mets season is resting on the big toe of Pedro Martinez. If he is healthy, they can topple the Braves NL East dynasty. If not (or if his shoulder continues to bother him as it has all spring), the Mets thin rotation will be their downfall. Look for his numbers to be even better than last year if healthy. However, I'm guessing he'll miss up to a month of the year with injuries, draft at your own risk.

Derek:
1. Johan Santana- The best, and no publication would disagree.

2. Roy Oswalt- Although he's starting to give up more hits, hes a 20 game winner the last 2 years, and has an above average K rate. Skeptics will point to almost 480 inning the last two years, not including two deep postseason runs.

3. Pedro Martinez- The toe injury suffered late in the 2005 season is a concern, but that he improved his ERA by a full run coming from the AL makes him a second round pick. The K's will always be there, and hes still only 34. If your still not convinced, listen to his career comparables according to Baseball Prospectus: Tom Seaver, Bob Gibson, and Mike Mussina.

4. Chris Carpenter- Just one more injury-free year Chris. Last year he threw over 260 innings(!) but arguably, they were the best 260 innings in baseball. Big time K's and a fabulous ERA suggest he'll win another 16-20 games in '06.

5. Rich Harden- Do you like to roll the dice? More pontential lies here than any other pitcher, and he gives you production at all 5 categories. Besides, he's just plain fun to watch. A gamble in the fourth round would be ideal.

NJV:
1. Johan Santana - Should top this list for years to come. Santana needs only one thing to complete his resume: a stellar nickname. This guy is going to be dominating for the next decade, so it's time to give him a lovable nickname befitting his stature, something on par with the Rocket or the Big Unit. Please feel free to submit your suggestions (perhaps one that isn't a phallic symbol like those of Clemens and Johnson).

2. Roy Oswalt - I was mocked for taking Oswalt 17th overall in a recent draft, but I don't regret it one bit. There ain't nothing wrong with consistency and he is my pre-season pick for the NL Cy Young. Why does this guy remain under the radar?

3. Chris Carpenter - Carpenter has tossed 16 shutout innings this spring, proving that his Cy Young in '05 was no fluke. If healthy, Carpenter will pile up wins and innings. A nice strategy would be to deal Carpenter after he gets off to a hot start, but before Tony LaRussa works him to death.

4. Jake Peavy - The only thing lacking here is wins (13-7 , 2.88 ERA, 1.04 WHIP, 216 K's). Playing in spacious and beautiful Petco Park with an improved outfield defense only solidifies the 24 year old's spot on this list.

5. Roy Halladay - Halladay broke my heart when he broke his leg last summer, ruining a ridiculous season (12-4, 2.41 ERA, .96 WHIP) and my chances at the title in one of my leagues. He should be fully recovered in 2006 with a fresh arm. Carlos Zambrano, Randy Johnson, and Rich Harden are just outside my top 5.

Update

2006-03-22T14:42:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone,

Once again, we're coming with apologies for lack of posts.

As soon as we have time, Nate and I will give highlights from the WBC.

In the meantime, we're working our asses off on Noob Sports 2.0. A lot of the basic design is down, and it looks OUTSTANDING. Still a lot of bugs and stuff to work though, which is what we're doing with our freelance guy who is helping us. This is taking a lot longer than I thought it would, so we'd appreciate it if you would bear with us.

As far as some people who were dissapointed by the lack of live updates from the WBC, sorry. Here is our stance: We were out there as fans of the game, and with good friends from college... not out there to give live reports. We paid a lot of money for the plane tickets, the tickets to the games, for the hotel, and all the food and drink we had there. From a personal standpoint, I was there with Nate (who I haven't seen in 6 months), with Todd (who I haven't seen in 6 months), and Barwick (who I haven't seen since graduation). These are some of my best friends. I wasn't going to spend what little time we had sitting on a laptop in a hotel room and updating so our readers could read what we were doing.. I was spending time catching up with these guys, seeing what's going on in their lives, and enjoying their company.

I hope those of you who were dissapointed accept my apology. I won't speak on behalf of Nate, but I know he feels the same way (as far as not wasting time writing posts, rather spending it with good friends).

We'll give you guys highlights from the trip shortly...

-SEL

WBC Update

2006-03-19T02:50:00.000-05:00

More updates to come... for now, we're not really in the correct state of mind to update the site properly.

Just know this: Korea is fucking AWESOME. They have easily, without a doubt, totally for sure, the best baseball fans in the world. Best non-soccer sporting event any of us have ever been to. And that includes games 3 and 4 of the 2004 world series (where the Red Sox won their first championship in 86 years). WBC is fantastic.

Cheers.

- Noob Sports Family

On the docket...

2006-03-18T14:04:00.000-05:00

Today's agenda:

12:00 - Dominicana vs. Cuba, WBC semifinals

2:30 - Illinois vs. Washington, NCAA tourney

7:00 - Korea vs. Japan, WBC semifinals

Keep it locked...

The First of Many...

2006-03-18T00:49:00.000-05:00

Inappropriate jokes made by Bar-none within minutes of his arrival...

4. "Looks like he finally kicked the Puckett."

3. "Poor bastard got kicked to the Kirby."

2. "He never saw it coming--because he had glaucoma."

1. "Kirby was a great baseball player--he had a really nice stroke."