Noobie, Noobie, Noob (6/15)
If there is anything we've learned this week, it's that there is no shortage of noobs in the wide world of sports. In fact, there have been so many noobs in the news recently that we've decided to split this award up by sport.
The raid on Jason Grimsley's house has sparked an HGH firestorm in MLB and Grimsley further noobed it up by cooperating with authorities and providing names of several players involved with performance enhancing drugs. Shortly thereafter, Grimsley refused to continue his cooperation, pissing off the feds who then leaked his story to the press. Grimsley has been attacked by the media for his HGH use and also by some of his fellow players for being a rat. It's only a matter of time before the FBI places an agent under cover in an MLB clubhouse as a coach or bat boy--in fact, that might be a great idea for Keanu Reeves' next movie, perhaps as a sequel to the unforgettable "Point Break."
The JJ Redick DUI story is just about perfect: the popped collar in his mugshot and the panicked U-turn have sports fans all over the country revelling in the smug Dukie's legal troubles. As Redick prepares for the NBA draft, the Portland Jail Blazer jokes practically write themselves. I hate Redick as much as the next guy, but he has to be a fucking great beer pong player, right?
Chris Henry is an absolute douchebag. The Bengals wide receiver was arrested for the FOURTH time since December on charges of providing alcohol to minors. According to police, the 23 year old Henry was drinking with 3 girls (ages 18, 16, and 15) in his car. In the morning, the 18 year old girl alleged that Henry had raped her, although police believe that her allegations to be fictional. Either way, the NFL's version of R. Kelly figures to be out of a job soon.
Big Ben Roethlisberger is the big winner for crashing his crotch rocket in Pittsburgh. There is no truth to the rumor that the accident was caused when he was hit with a burrito thrown from a passing vehicle ("this burrito is good but it is filling"). Meanwhile, Esteban Loaiza was given a DUI after being pulled over at 120 mph early Wednesday. His 3 year, $21 million deal raised eyebrows when Billy Beane announced the move this winter and looks even more questionable today. In NBA news, perennial NOTW candidate Zach Randolph was also pulled over for "street racing" this week. When the po-po searced the car, they found 2 loaded handguns and a thick cloud of ganja. Amazingly, Zeebo avoided any charges stemming from the incident and the Trail Blazers have said they will not punish their $80 million dollar man.
Noob Sports Commercial of the Week:
The narrator/spiritual adviser looks like an older, bloated Colin Farrell but the "Joga Bonito" commercials by Nike are definitely on point. If you haven't seen all of the spots yet, here is a compilation for your viewing pleasure.
Noob Sports Feel Good Story of the Week:
In a week where even squeaky clean guys like Roethlisberger and Redick are getting in trouble, it's a bit hard to feel cheery about our athletes. With all the news about performance enhancing drug use and violence by athletes, the WWE shines as a beacon of hope: Degeneration X has reunited. Triple H and Shawn Michaels have once again teamed up and will fight in a 5 on 2 handicap match against the Spirit Squad, a group of 5 wrestlers whose shtick is that they are, you guessed it, male cheerleaders. DX is famous for the positive and uplifting messages they try to share with their fans. Said Triple H: “We’re going to send a message to Vince McMahon and everyone else in the WWE. It’s a simple message – it’s just two words – suck it.” Hunter Hearst Helmsley then compared being a member of DX to being in the Beatles and said that they are going to wrestle like they have nothing to lose "because we’re rich biatch, and we don’t care." If more kids would aspire to be pro wrestlers instead of those cheating, 'roid raging baseball players, America would have a much brighter future.
Noob Sports Quip of the Week:
Todd Jones reminds no one of Mariano Rivera, but at least he has a sense of humor. After entering last Friday's game against the Toronto Blue Jays and not recording an out, Jones was asked how much blowing the save bothered him. Jones said "I slept like a baby- woke up crying every two hours." The roller coaster ride continues as Jones took the loss in extra innings Wednesday night, leaving the Tiger faithful with the same feeling Cubs fans had when the always nerve-wracking Rod Beck racked up 51 saves in 1998 (tribute to Mitch in Sacramento).