The Noob Sports Jinx
Noobies, we have a problem: lately, it seems we can't write about any of our favorite teams or players without jinxing the shit out of them.
Rasheed Wallace, our latest victim, didn't just fail to make good on his "Guaran-Sheed," he also sprained his ankle early in the game and finished with just 7 points on just 3-13 shooting. Of course, it could have been a lot worse. Wallace returned to the game ("I'm all right. Don't send me to the glue factory yet.") and unleashed another hilarious round of disrespect after the loss to the Cavs, saying "even the sun shines on a dog's ass." Ra went on to say "I ain't worried about these cats. There ain't no way in hell they beat us in a series." His postgame comments mark the first time I've ever smiled while watching ESPN News. Plus, he tried to kiss Chauncey Billups during a timeout appearance on the "Kiss Cam" at Gund Arena (fuck Quicken Loans). Classic 'Sheed.
Only Ra could fail to make good on a promise and still come out ahead in our book. Most haven't been so lucky. Others afflicted with the Noob Sports curse include Bode Miller, Chris "Sheletor" Shelton, the Los Angeles Lakers, the US Men's National Soccer Team, the Detroit Red Wings, Tommy Amaker, and Team Korea.
With that track record in mind, we would like to tell you how much we love the Chicago White Sox.
Our love for the Pale Hose starts at the top with GM Kenny Williams and manager Ozzie Guillen. These guys are true gentlemen. The way they've treated former franchise player types like Frank Thomas and Magglio Ordonez really speaks volumes about how classy Ozzie and Kenny are. Once on top, the Noob Sports family definitely supports bashing the guys who carried your team through leaner years. I plan on doing that to SEL if we ever start making bank. Ruining the reputations and spreading concern about the injuries of the players that you will someday want in your team Hall of Fame is just solid management.
Of course, it is their talent that we truly admire. Every decision these guys make turns out golden...well, at least since Kenny brought Todd Ritchie to the Southside. Ozzie goes through closers faster than Kenny hands out long term deals to starting pitchers, and there is no way either strategy could ever backfire.
On the field, the Sox are just as appealing. A.J. Pierzynski really symbolizes this team and we just can't get enough of him chirping at the opposition from the dugout. Although his brash and disrespectful attitude wore thin in both San Francisco and Minnesota, we're certain that he's a changed man. Plus, guys who make appearances on TNA Wrestling always earn bonus points with us. In no way do we wish serious injury upon him or the ridiculously hot Jim "Sock It" Thome.
On the mound, Jon Garland is a much better pitcher than his stats indicate. He easily could have won 20 games last year and this year's 6.75 ERA is deceptive. Throw out the 4 times he's given up 5 runs or more in a start this year and you have 3 pretty darn good starts. He'll be worth every penny of his new 3 year, $29 million deal.
Every good White Sox fan knows that the most entertaining part of every game is listening to Hawk Harrelson do the call. Appropriately, Hawk ignores large portions of the action so that he can instead tell stories about his playing days. Why talk about the game being played when Hawk can tell you who had the best pickoff move in 1965 or about the size of Carl Yastrzemski's nipples? His cheerleading for the "good guys" is especially entertaining. Man, this guy just never gets old.
For all these reasons, the Noob Sports family would like to make a guarantee of our own: the Chicago White Sox are going to repeat as World Champions this year.