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Wednesday, April 19, 2006 

Who's The Cat In The Hat?

[Editors Note: Occasionally we have guest writers on Noob Sports. Today, we have our good buddy known as "Isaac Lawrence", who currently resides in Chicago and is tired of hearing the Cubs referred to as the Cubbies. He is also a writer for Fire Luis Pujols, a hilarious Tigers based website that has articles ranging from "Understanding the Detroit Tigers By Comparing Them To Girls You Knew In College," to "Osama Bin Laden's Diary". FLP is a very entertaining website, and you all should check it out. Plus, this article was written for FLP, and we're reprinting it with permission of the author.]

An analysis of what it means to wear the following varieties of Tigers hats:

Tigers Home: A baseball purist. Most likely still records his own personal FLP hat1.jpgstatistics during a game instead of using the electronic scoreboard that has been successfully performing the same task since 1982. Also likely to collect manager’s lineup cards, a hobby that stretches far into his youth. Baseball is indubitably this guy’s favorite sport.

Favorite Music: Phil Collins, The Moody Blues, Journey, and Ragtime.

p.s. It was Boston’s equivalent to this fan that I was happy for when they won the World Series, not the Ben Affleck’s and melodramatic drunken college students.

Tigers Away: A true sports fan and a true Detroit fan, though this guy’s FLP hat2.jpgprimary allegiance is most likely to the Lions or the Pistons, rather than the Tigers.

Favorite Music: Linkin Park, 50 Cent, and Metallica.

Tigers Faded Home or Away: This individual is eagerly anticipating the day when FLPhat3.jpgAbercrombie or American Eagle will begin outfitting the MLB instead of the prehistoric fashion dinosaur that is Russell Athletics. As a matter of fact the only thing in this person’s wardrobe that isn’t from Abercrombie & Fitch and American Eagle (which they affectionately refer to as Abers and AE) is this Detroit Tigers hat. This individual also likes to obsessively talk about how much they love their favorite hat and how they “Just can’t replace it no matter how much it gets worn in.” In reality, this individual tied the hat to a rope and dragged it outside his Ford Explorer through Bloomfield Hills or Troy to enhance the worn in look. (This guy is also likely to have a pair of ‘Lucky Boxers’ that he has only gotten lucky in with a chick that weighted about 2 bills and was so drunk she vomited minutes after hooking up.)

Favorite Music: Anything off of those OC Mix albums, thinking he is discovering super-underground-indie-rock no one else knows of.

p.s. This person often makes pretentious jokes about how the Real OC is Oakland County.

p.p.s. I can’t wait until this guy’s Daddy loses his job at GM or Ford in a couple months and above mentioned fan has to move to—don’t say it, it’s to awful—Lapeer

[Editors Note: This is the hat that SEL wears every day. SEL also owns a total of zero articles of clothing from Abercrombie or American Eagle. Take that for what you will]

Tigers Black on Black, On African American: The Black on Black cap states, FLP hat 8.jpg“Yeah I like watching the Tigers, and I also like watching you get your ass handed to you by me and my friends for looking at us the wrong way!”

Favorite Music: Three Six Mafia, T.I., and Mix Tapes from the streets.

Tigers Black on Black, On Caucasian: The Black on Black cap means that this particular Caucasian secretly grew up liking rap music but pretended amongst his all-white friends that he gave a damn about Sister Hazel, the Crash Test Dummies, and the Spin Doctors. Also, highly probable that this individual used to rap uncontrollably to himself in the mirror. When confronted by his parents he would tell them he was just moving so rapidly because he was ummmm..checking for dandruff. At this point in his life his dual identities and inner conflicts have left him delusional. He also loves the color Carolina Blue.

Favorite Music: Eminem, Kid Rock, and the Insane Clown Posse (ICP).

Tigers White on White: This dude, by wearing white on white is proclaiming FLP hat 6.jpghis love for the Tigers, but more importantly, proclaiming his love for the ladies. This guy has never had a serious male friend since the 5th Grade when he ditched his guy friends to play double dutch with Meredith Jones and her friends on the black top next to the four square courts. Since the 5th grade he has had a rotating carousel of “Best Friends” which simply translates to hot girl he’s trying to hook up with, but who is preoccupied with a better looking, older guy who actually has real things to say instead of agreeing with her every word.

Favorite Music: Puff Daddy, R. Kelly, Ne-Yo, Reuben Stoddard, John Mayer and the Dave Matthews Band, whom he refers to as Dave and John, as if they were personal friends, who, if it were true, would be the only male personal friends he has.

p.s. This is my least favorite guy.

Tigers Different Color Hat (e.g. Red or Royal Blue): This guy was the first kid at your FLP hat 5.jpghigh school to tell you about Limp Bizkit, and, admitting that Faith was a decent enough song, you didn’t give a damn then and you don’t now. This individual started rocking the goatee two years before he or anyone else could actually grow anything respectable. He constantly talks about how all music out now sucks and longs for the good ol’ days of rock, which to him were a mere 5 to 7 years ago; if Guns N’ Roses ever come out with Chinese Democracy, he will liken it to the Resurrection.

Favorite Music: Limp Bizkit, Korn, POD, GnR, and the Deadsies.

FLP loves where Mr. Lawrence has gone with this, and have made their own offering:

Tigers Multi-Colored and/or graphics/colors on the brim: This hat, most likely FLP hat 10.bmppurchased at Target or Meijer for $6.99 by this guy’s mother because she remembered him making some comment about liking baseball three years ago, belongs to that guy who maintains a cursory interest in sports because other people seem to like sports, and he needs social in-roads. Once a year his father hauls the family out of Wyandotte for a venture into the city, and buys a Tigers Family Four-Pack that includes four upper deck tickets, four hot dogs or pizza slices, four small sodas, two t-shirts, and two orange Foam Fingers for $79. By the third inning this guy begins wandering aimlessly around the stadium, where he pays $3.50 to have his fastball radared at 53 mph.

This guy also liked the Gilligan’s Island Applebee’s commercial that aired during the NCAA basketball tournament.

Favorite Music: Journey, Weird Al Yankovic, Kenny Chesney

Ha this is great. Even though I have a "faded" Tigers hat that is barely recognizable, but that was from actually wearing it. Unfortunately, apparently I am a douche for having one.

excellent and dead on, although i am off the board for not having a tiger lid

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