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Thursday, April 06, 2006 

Fantasy Baseball Draft Results II

[Editors Note: The Noob Sports fantasy baseball league is underway, and the draft is complete. It's a standard 12 team, 5x5 rotisserie league. The editors asked every team to write a paragraph or so about their team. The following is what the owners have said.]

Owner: Ryan "Digimon" Volk
Team: Repo Men

Team Repo Men may have possibly the most inept offensive lineup in the league outside of Team Taffypants. The glue that may be able to hold this team together is its top 4 starters which includes Schilling, Sheets, Halladay, and the Gambler. This is only as long as their arms don't manage to fall off around the All-Star break. While I can't manage to keep up with the speed possessed by Hans Brix United, I do have a few burners in Furcal, Willie Tavares, Tadahito Iguchi, and Rowand that might help me out on the basepaths.

The biggest boost from my team, which may win an award for the most potential comeback players of the year award nominees, (Mag Pipes, Javy Lopez, Schilling, and Sheets) is Barry Lamar Bonds. If he can avoid a massive meltdown, stay healthy, and continue to avoid syringes thrown onto the field then he could be the biggest steal in the draft in round 5.

This should be a pretty exciting fantasy season and I have to admit that it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to finally be in what looks to be a legit fantasy baseball league. Fuck the Lemons and long live the Repo Men!!

Owner: Matt "Reach-around" Shults
Team: Buck Futter

First of all I must introduce myself: I am NJV's cousin Matt Shults and I co-own the team Buck Futter with my good friend Joe Nienhuis. Joe and I feel a bit like the outcast in the league. We only really know Nate. Joe and I have met Steve and Neckers a couple of times. Already, Joe and I agree the draft may have been the most entertaining draft we have particiapted in, it was very interesting just to read all the nasty comments the rest of these so-called friends made to each other. I will admit that I did fall asleep twice during the draft because I think it was longer than Victor Conte's jail sentence. As far as the Buck Futters, we feel real good about our pitching, especially our starters (Carpenter, Patterson, Westbrook, Capuano, D.Davis and former Michigan State Spartan Mark Mulder) but as for our hitting we feel pretty weak in that department. Our infield is not bad, especially with two quality first basemen (Berkman and Korenko) but our outfield leaves a lot to be desired as of today (M. Ramirez, M. Bradley, and Francoeur). Joe and I discussed our feelings about the team and we feel like we are pretty middle of the road. If our pitching can carry us and our hitters are better than expected, we might make a run. But to be honest, we are not really expecting to take home the cash.

Owner: Adam "Daddy" Brod
Team: Midway LawnMowers

To be quite honest with you, my paragraph comes to you live as i get my first look at my team (a shocking 2 days after the draft), as i did not partake in the drafting festivities due to getting bombed and playing Golden Tee during the NCAA championship game that netted me $275 in gambling profits. I had my little brother draft for me, and i'm told I went on autopilot after the 11th round. Let's see what we got.

As for the bats/field positions: the mauer of power catching, not bad ... CECIL FIELDER'S KID?!?!? ... i've never heard of my shortstop ... VLAD the best pure player in the game that's nice ... ryan "the freel deel" at utility is solid, he'll play anywhere ... SO king geoff jenkins, chronic DLer in no-MAH

Pitching: potential NL cy young winner in Peavy, which is cool if you like sub-.500 playoff teams, the 2006 NL saves leader in Billy Wags, and it looks like i have Cy Young himself...no wait that's chris young. and the only man who could challenge Marty Unsworth at eating shrimp - CC Sabathia who is already on the DL cleaning out the Soaring Eagle Buffet.

Overall Impressions: my best bet to win the title here is if VLAD has a monster year, Prince lives up to extraordinary hype, Peavy wins 35, wagner gets 60 saves, and pretty much everyone on all other teams spends significant amounts of time on the DL, I'll have to place a few calls...

Owner: Travis "Prison Rape" Tamminga
Team: Dirt McGurt

Overall I am very pleased with my team, which is surprising because I drafted 11th, which I hated, and I went to the bar in the afternoon, got completely shitfaced and forgot about the draft. I had to cruise home wasted and even called Neckers on my way to try and get him to stall round one for me. Perhaps he got distracted by my phone call and that is why he passed on Tex and drafted Wright 4th overall. By the way, I don't advocate drinking and driving, but it is perfectly acceptable if you have important things to do...like get to a fantasy draft. I'm not completely sold on my starters, but I feel I really like my bullpen. As I am typing this Shelton is on pace to hit 324 homeruns and Thome 162, so I will easily win the homeruns, runs, and rbi categories. I have to thank Barwick for handing Harden (who I have a severe man-crush on) to me in round 4. It made my team.

My Best Pick - Joey Gathright (round 19) - If he gets a starting job he could easily lead the MLB in steals and could have a season on par with a player like Podsednik, who went 11 rounds earlier.

My Worst Pick - Ken Griffey Jr. (round 10) - I blame the booze for this pick. I have no idea why I made it. I hate Griffey and have never had him on any of my fantasy teams. I know I am going to regret this pick.

League Best Pick - Todd Helton (round 4) Rubberneckers- All he does is hit. He didn't put up his usual numbers last year, but he started off slow and absolutely mashed in the 2nd half. I think round 4 is a steal for Helton.

League Worst Pick - Hank Blalock (round 2) - Midway Molotavs - Blalock isn't that good, period. He does hit in that shoe box in Texas and will get you homers, but he only hit 25 of them last year and he did it while hitting .263, scoring 80 runs and not breaking 100rbi. There were a LOT better players to take at that point. Honorably mentions for worst pick are: Mussina (round11) and any pick made my Team Taffypants.

Owner: Ryan "The D.C. Strangler" Barwick
Team: The Districts

After two days I'm in first place, and I feel so good about my team that I posted "First place, did you expect anything less?" on the league message board while I was drunk. Speaking of which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with missing my flight to San Diego to watch the World Baseball Classic because I was too hungover and didn't want to wake up, even after my roommate physically woke me up and told me to go to the airport. Anyway, I mistakenly selected Jeff Kent when trying to draft Rich Harden, and then that bastard Tamminga took him. My favorite pick was Miguel Cabrera, but my favorite player is admitted steroid user Jason Giambi.

Also, that Roger Clemens is a line stealing bastard. I was making innappropriate remarks about taking Korea to the cleaners long before that ass-clown did it to the media.

Owner: Steve "Tripod" Lepper
Team: Centurians

Would you rather be a cent, or.... take a punch to the stomach from Mike Tyson wearing no gloves? This is the question you must ask yourselves. The Centurians drafted a well-rounded team, with speed, power, and good overall pitching. The outfield of Ichiro, Gary Sheffield, and (pick one: Cliff Floyd/Jose Guillen) is one of the best in the league. The Derek's (Lee and Jeter) lead a strong infield, and Pudge should be the glue that keeps the team together (there should be plenty more 5/5 games out of him in the future).

As far as the pitching goes, the Cents stayed young with the D-train, King Felix, Noah Lowry and Zach Duke leading the team. They also went heavy on the closers, taking Trevor Hoffman, Bob Wickman, Todd Jones (only the Lord saves more than Todd Jones, don't forget it), and Jonathon Papelbon. Look for the Centurians to be near the top of the table the entire year.

Best Pick: Jonathon Papelbon in the 21st round.

Worst Pick: None, the draft was immaculate.

Well done fellas. I look forward to giving out regular league-wide beatdowns on par with the Nancy Kerrigan-esque knee capping Paulie Walnuts dished out on Sunday night's Sopranos.

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