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Tuesday, April 04, 2006 

Fantasy Baseball Draft Results I

[Editors Note: The Noob Sports fantasy baseball league is underway, and the draft is complete. It's a standard 12 team, 5x5 rotisserie league. The editors asked every team to write a paragraph or so about their team. The following is what the owners have said.]

Owner: Matt "Wampies" Seitz and Justin "The Davis" Davis

Team: Team Townie

Team Townie can flat-out rake. Everyone except for the trainwreck I have at catcher should have 100 rbis in the starting lineup. The key is to keep Barmes from carrying things up stairs. Maybe someone can even fool Beltre into thinking its another contract year and he can have a huge season. Even though we have the gayest player in the league outside of Mike Piazza in A-Rod, we have the best linebacker in the league in Farnsworth to make up for it. Well, since I excel at everything I do, I expect nothing short of a title. That is as long as the co-ownership between Wampies and The Davis doesn't cause problems. And I'm still pissed I passed on Oswalt at pick 25, looking at the starters I have now. Just have to keep Colon away from all buffets I guess.

Owner: Todd "Noop" Neckers
Team: RubberNeckers

A witty name and a potent lineup are sure to lead the most scholastically-endowed member of the Noobsports league to victory. Employing a strategy based exclusively on scarcity of resources, Team RubberNeckers made some bold moves, including David Wright 4th overall, and drafting no pitchers in the first 5 rounds.

"If you want to win playing rotisserie this year, you have to pay for steals." - Todd Neckers

This team will dominate steals and easily win batting average, and also lead the league in starting batters who play in the national league (8 out of 9). Additionally, for any readers in the greater Charlottesville, Virginia area, Team Owner Todd Neckers will be the starting pitcher of the University of Michigan Law School Men's softball team headed to a tournament at the University of Virginia (1st game Saturday morning vs. Harvard).

"Todd Neckers throws straight JUNK out there, he's like a 5'9" right-handed Randy Johnson without a mullet but with more illegitimate love children" - Peter Gammons

Owner: Derek "Deeznuts" Degroot
Team: Prior's Bad Shoulder

Lets be honest, my team has the best pitcher in baseball (Santana), last years HR king (Jones), the best catcher in baseball (Martinez), and a youngster with 50 HR power (Howard). If a few more pieces fall into place, such as the return of the rocket and the rocket wanna-be (Wood), not even the great Van Heest (nice draft nate) will be able to catch me.

Best Pick- Beckett in the 7th round (Rubberneckers)
Worst Pick- Broke Back Hermanson in the 13th (Team Taffypants)

And...Be aware Im like the Town Whore of Fantasy Baseball, Ill trade anytime, anywhere. Bring all offers.

Owner: Justin "Strick" Stricklen
Team Name: Cuckoo 4 Coco Crisp

I will win this league because I have the classiest team name and easily the most dominant pitching. I am convinced that the Unit, Z-Train, and Buehrle will win a combined 60 games. I have the best double play combo in the league, Adam Dunn will hit 54 bombs, and Scott Rolen is a flat out steal in Rd 6. Much hate to Hans Brix for taking Coco, he is the only thing lacking from a perfect squad. Onto my draft analysis...oh yeah and Team Taffypants should get some sort of award for consecutive terrible picks.

Top 5 Best picks
5. Todd Helton (rd 4) rubberneckers
4. Pat (the bat) Burrell (rd 8) Team Townie
3. C.C. Sabathia (rd 12) Midway Molotavs
2. Adrian Beltre (rd 13) Team Townie
1. Coco Crisp (rd 9 ) Hans Brix United

Top 5 worst picks
5. Pedro Martinez (rd 2) Team Taffypants
4. Mariano Rivera (rd 3) Team Taffypants
3. Juan Pierre (rd 4) Team Taffypants
2. Brandon Inge (rd 21) Team Taffypants
1. Coco Crisp (rd 9) Hans Brix United

Owner: Michael "Munch" Mault
Team: Team Taffypants

Team Taffypants' draft night started in interesting fashion. I was on the clock until 10:30 and I had my 15 year old cousin drafting for me (the kid knows little about sports he thought the Detroit hockey team was the Flyers, and he lives in PA). I feel he did well in drafting Ortiz and Martinez. I took over the reigns in the 3rd round. My overall thoughts on Team Taffypants are very mixed. I believe I should be solid in homeruns and rbi, but the rest of the hitting statistics are in question. My pitching should be fairly solid. Pedro is a given 15 wins, 200 K's, Rivera should have 35+ saves, Bonderman should be having his breakout year, hopefully Zito pulls his head out of his ass, and I believe I got two steals in Radke and Glavine as very late draft choices. As for Team Taffypants' goals, simply finish above Team Townie and cuckoo 4 coco crisp.

Owner: Nate "Kickstand" Van Heest
Team: Hans Brix United

Herro! Hans Brix United is the odds on favorite to win the inaugural Edgar Stiles Cup after netting some serious WMDs with my first 3 picks in Albert Pujols, Bobby Abreu, and Roy Oswalt. My starting pitching (Oswalt, Smoltz, Schmidt, Lackey, Contreras) fits my philosophy of strikeout pitchers on good teams. No shitty scud missiles here, just nuclear weapons that should make sure I win the arms race. The firepower around Pujols and Abreu is a blend of big bats (Delgado, Ensberg, Barrett, Drew) and speed (Weeks, Coco Crisp, Hunter). In roto leagues, like weapons inspections, you're better off focusing your resources on your high priority targets.

Fortunately, closers do not qualify (Dempster, Borowski) but I can even fix that weakness with one deal or a shrewd free agent pickup. If healthy, Hans Brix & Co. will be chugging bronsons out of the Edgar Stiles Cup at the UN in October.

[Part II coming tomorrow]

I think that we should upgrade to StatTracker for $9.95 in order to make our league the real deal. Especially since we've got a buy in bitches!

I think Taffy should have let the kid continue drafting for him.

Scholastically-endowed? JD = Jerk-Off Doctor = I don't know what to do with my life. Just what we need, another fucking lawyer. Go to Med School, then we might actually be impressed.

Lep, when do I get my fabulous Noob Sports prize for winning the tourney pool? I expect big things, like maybe a guest spot on one of your visits to Cold Pizza.

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