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Friday, March 03, 2006 

Noobie, Noobie, Noob (3/3)

We just have to share the hotness sometimes (Fridays, actually).

Noob of the Week:
Alfonso Soriano has given the Washington Nationals a 3 week deadline to resolve their logjam at second base. After being acquired this winter from the Texas Rangers, Soriano has steadfastly refused a move to left field to accomodate current Nationals second baseman Jose Vidro. Soriano, who has left the Nats to join the Dominican Republic's national team for World Baseball Classic, has averaged 21 errors per season over the last 5 years and is widely reputed as an inferior defensive player. The move to left would minimize Soriano's defensive impact while allowing the team to keep Vidro in the lineup (3 time All Star, .364 career OBP, .467 career SLG); basically, it allows Washington to put its best team on the field every day. Instead, Soriano will attempt to force a trade and delay his inevitable move to the outfield, ruining his reputation in the process. The Nats should deal the noob to a team like the Cubs for a package like Todd Walker and Felix Pie and forget he ever reported to camp.

Noob Sports Interview of the Week:
Anna Benson has interviewed her husband Kris for FHM Magazine and it is everything you could hope for. Here is just one of the highlights:

Anna: Where do you think we'll be in 10 years?

Kris: Divorced?

Anna: We’ll split up like Bruce and Demi. We’ll be best friends and live next door to each other, so we can have sex every once in a while, and we’ll both get lovers who are 20 years younger than we are.

Other topics include Anna's youthful sluttiness, Anna bitching about their sex lives (never on a day Kris pitches or the day before), guns and attack dogs, Jim Rome, and what's in store for Baltimore. You have to read this, if only for the part about what Anna will do for Kris if he wins a Cy Young Award.

[Editor's note: The photos aren't terrible either.]

Noob Sports Disturbing Trend of the Week:
We just do not understand why there is an apparent demand for movies starring a male actor dressed up as an overweight grandma. In 2000, Martin Lawrence starred in "Big Mama's House," a movie that scored a 4.6 out of 10 on IMDb.com. For some reason, 20th Century Fox decides that the movie needed a sequel, and voila, we have "Big Momma's House 2." Now, we are being inundated with commercials for "Madea's Family Reunion," starring, directed, and written by Tyler Perry, which has scored 2.7 out of 10 on IMDb.com. To be honest, we semi-enjoyed "Mrs. Doubtfire" as youngsters because of lines like this:
"Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth."
However, we would trade a hundred of these lines to stop the current madness. If we see Chris Tucker in drag next, we might pull a Zach Greinke and just get the hell out of here.

Noob Sports Gambling Lock of the Weekend:
Denver Nuggets +3 1/2 at Houston Rockets.

-The Noob Sports Family