Super Bowl Commercial Grades
Hopefully you've all made the drunk drive home safely. The game was above average, certainly not epic, but definitely not terrible. It was exciting until the 4th quarter when the Steelers blew it open.
One of America's favorite past times is Super Bowl commercials. Corporations pay millions of dollars for a few seconds of ad time, and we eat it up. It's great. All of us here at Noobsports.com thought it would be good if we sat down and graded the commercials this year.
The commercials are graded on a scale from 1-10. An example of a 1 would be that Valtrex commercial that starts off with a chick that says "I have genital herpes", while a 10 would be the first time you saw "The King" intercept the screen pass and return it for a touchdown.
The grades were given by myself (SEL) and my roommate Josh Egedy. Picture Ramathorn from "Super Troopers" with a small afro and a beard. Mr. Egedy is a teacher by day, and a kamakazi rat fink by night. He is best described as "anti-sports" and claims to have not watched an entire sporting event on TV in the last 10 years. Living with him, this doesn't surprise me at all. The man hates sports. However, when I asked him if he'd like to give grades with me, he gladly obliged. After all, being a teacher by trade, he's used to giving grades.
(For the record, that is a real picture of Mr. Egedy in college. That afro is not fake, that's his real hair combed out. Obviously a real winner.)
Without further adieu, here are your 2006 Super Bowl Commercial grades:
(You can watch all of the ads from the Super Bowl by clicking here)
* BUD LIGHT - And they're off! Bud Light starts it off by packin heat with a hilarious commercial. A younger office worker is riding an elevator with what appears to be his boss, and he proudly exclaims that he's hidden Bud Light all over the office to increase morale. When the doors open, it's complete pandemonium. Papers are flying, people are celebrating, there's even a guy punching through the white wall trying to find bud light. Very funny, excellent start. Grade - 9
* BURGER KING - The Whopperettes? This was an abortion. Terrible commercial. It seems they were trying to be funny by being intentionally shocking, but it didn't work. Like not even close. This would have received a 1 if it wasn't for an appearance by my man, The King. Long live The King. Grade - 3
* SIERRA MIST - A guy walks through the metal detector at the airport, and the TSA official performs a random search. The TSA person then makes a "beeping" noise every time her wand goes over the Sierra Mist bottle, and says she has to confiscate it. A fairly funny commercial, and a continuation of other Sierra Mist commercials ("It does say Barry"). Grade - 6.
* BUD LIGHT - Bud Light is RAKING. Another hilarious commercial. 2 guys walk into their apartment and see a fridge full of Bud Light. That fridge has a secret lever that makes a rotating wall turn, and a simple table replaces it. They pan to the next apartment, where 4 guys are in there and one guy screams "THE MAGIC FRIDGE IS BACK!". It made both of us laugh out loud. To close the commercial, the fridge has gone away again and the guys are down on their hands and knees chanting for the fridge to come back. Grade - 9.
* TOYOTA HYBRID - A kid asking his dad about his yuppie hippy car. Make me laugh! Grade - 1.
* FEDEX - Fedex stepping up to the plate. This commercial had a pteradactyl getting eaten by a T-Rex, a caveman kicking a velociraptor, and two cavemen arguing. Geico proved that Cavemen can be very successful in ads, and this one didn't dissapoint. Grade - 8.
* BUD LIGHT - Seeing as it costs 2.5 million dollars for 30 seconds of ad time during the super bowl, Bud Light spent a pretty penny. This one wasn't as funny as the other ones, but it wasn't bad. 2 guys are racing down a hill away from a bear, and the bear corners one of them. The guy gets the bear to calm down by setting a Bud Light in front of it, until his buddy runs by and jacks the Bud Light and runs away. The commercial ends with the bear growling at the first guy again. Grade - 6.
* DIET PEPSI - Jay Mohr and P. Diddy... how can that fail? There is a lot of rap in this commercial, and a lot of bad rap. It ends with Diddy saying "Come and get you some." No thanks, I'd rather drink motor oil than watch that garbage again. Grade - 0.
* ALEVE - Leonard Nimoy has arthritis and takes Aleve to get rid of it. He then speaks at a Star Trek convention and does the "V" thing with his hands. Whatever. Grade - 4.
* AMERIQUEST - If our friend Jaytard has taught us anything, it's that working for mortgage companies are awesome and exciting. Ameriquest surprised us by coming up with a pretty funny commercial. There are doctors about to operate on a patient, and a fly is buzzing around. The mans wife and daughter are coming in to see him, and one Dr. shocks the fly with the defribulator and says "that killed him." The wife and daughter walk in and act all shocked, and Ameriquest tells us "don't judge too quickly." Ya know, I was going to judge, but now I'll listen to them and wait to judge. Grade - 6.
* BUD LIGHT - Again? Huh. Guy with wife in suburbia goes to fix his gutters and ends up drinking on his roof. Great idea. Grade - 5.
* DIET PEPSI - Uh-oh, would Diet Pepsi make up for it's earlier disaster? The answer: no. Jackie Chan makes an appearance, but doesn't do much. They put in a Diet Coke can for the stunt double for the Diet Pepsi can and it gets crushed. I bet those assholes didn't even recycle it. Grade - 0.
(A commercial for the movie "Cars" just came on, and Mr. Egedy wants me to say that he gives it a 10 because he "loves autoracing." Fair enough.)
* BUDWEISER - It looks like horses in Colorado play a lot of football. I've never seen that happen, but it looks real. There are a lot of animals watching and a shorn sheep comes through that they call a "streaker." The animals start making hooting noises, and the two cowboys watching say "Didn't need to see that." Pretty entertaining. Grade - 8.
* ESPN MOBILE - A pretty good commercial from the Worldwide Leader. Johnny McAverageguy is walking down the street looking at his cell phone, and all sorts of athletic stuff is going on around him. A football team comes out of a tunnel, there's a skateboarder, some fencing, Jim Edmonds, a soccer team, a worlds strongest man guy, Baron Davis, a Huston Street sighting, some WNBA players, a marching band, and it says "Welcome to Sports Heaven." I'm not sure a guy walking down a city street is going to check his cell phone for the latest WNBA scores, but I could be wrong. Mr. Egedy gives the commercial a "1, because sports are gay." Good one buddy. Grade - 8.
* CAREERBUILDER.COM - Made us laugh out loud. Let's just say that you're guaranteed to be successful if you've got a monkey lighting up a cigar from a hundred dollar bill that's on fire. Grade - 8.
* CADILLAC - An Escalade coming out of some silverish liquid at a fashion show? What??? Grade - 2.
(This doesn't deserve a grade, but there was just a commercial for MI:3 - Another mission impossible movie with the all-star Tom Cruise. I think Mr. Egedy puts it best "You can actually see the gerbil in Tom Cruise's ass.")
* DOVE - A self-esteem fund? Some chick that hates or freckles, or wants blonde hair, or doesn't like her tank-ass isn't going to turn it around because of a self-esteem fund. If a girl is seeking a "self-esteem fund" it's safe to say that she's highly irrational and emotionally unstable. But thanks for trying Dove (you should stick to soap). Grade - 1.
* SHAGGY DOG - Chris Berman is a douche rocket. Tim Allen should have stuck with Home Improvement. Disgusting. Grade - 1.
* FORD - Kermit the frog is a nice addition, but I don't think he's going to roll in a Ford Hybrid. He ends it by saying "It's easy being green." I'm going to agree. (snap). Grade - 4.
* MICHELOB ULTRA - Alright Michelob! I always support a company that has a chick get absolutely JACKED UP during a game of touch football. I'm sure the Michelob Ultra Amber tastes like gasoline, but it was a good commercial. Grade - 8.
* GODADDY.COM - To be honest, we expected more. Godaddy.com gave us the Noobsports.com domain name at a ridiculously cheap price, so I support them. I like the Godaddy girl, and if you watch carefully, it ends with a boner sound, similar to the sound a knife makes if you wedge it properly under a table at Phelps cafeteria. Grade - 6.
* GILLETTE - Come on man, 5 razors is a little excessive. Plus one on the back. They describe it as a "miracle of fusion." I'm going to go ahead and say that a razor isn't an act of God guys. We're giving this commercial a low mark, because neither Mr. Egedy or I enjoy shaving, and we're both currently rocking some beards. Grade - 2.
* OVERSTOCK.COM - Those of you who have been in the room with me during previous Overstock.com commercials know I'm very biased about this, because I find that lady to be super sexy. Mr. Egedy describes it as "this looks like a tampon commercial", and apparently my girl has developed an accent... which is interesting. It also has a handicap logo at the end, which makes no sense. Grade - 5.
* DISNEY - Celebrating 50 years of grabass. Mr. Egedy - "I hate Michael Eisner." Grade - 0.
* SPRINT/NEXTEL - Sprint and Nextel are both GARBAGE cell phone companies. They're the bottom of the barrel. However, they just pulled off a BOSS commercial. 2 guys are talking in a locker room, and guy 1 says that his phone has a "crime deterrant". He then proceeds to absolutely Roger Clemens fastball the phone into the other guys grill. Definitely a lot of laughter. Grade - 9.
* NFL NETWORK - I don't know about this one. I love sports, and love the NFL. But describing it as "American as America gets" is kind of crap. Nascar is American as America gets. Local playboy and closet redneck Larry Macelroy described it as "I think watching Rodney King getting beat up by cops is more American than watching football." Appreciate the input Larry. Grade - 3.
* SONS AND DAUGHTERS - "We're going to hell because we're Jews." Zing! This show looks fantastic, and somebody draws a Hitler 'stache on a grandmother. I'm definitely going to watch this. Grade - 8.
(Things heard during the halftime show:
-"These guys are 1 step away from being in a Rascal Scooter commercial."
-"Maybe Nelly will come out and sing with the Stones."
-"It's like an AARP convention on stage."
-(as Mick is dancing like a gay) "Uh Mick... you need to stop doing that.")
* DISNEY WORLD - Excellent. People practicing saying "I'm going to Disney World." Very well done by Disney, brought a smile to my face. Grade - 7.
(By the way, at this point, if you're playing our Noobsports.com drinking game, and you're on Team Seahawks, you just got dealt a DEVASTATING blow. 7 drinks for the yardage, 1 shot for the touchdown, 6 drinks for the announcers calling him "Fast Willie Parker." I'm guessing we just seperated the men from the boys, as a lot of Sally's across the country just quit the game because they're plastered. We salute those of you who go the distance.)
* AMERIQUEST - Hell yeah Ameriquest! Another fantastic commercial of people on an airplane. A girl gets up to go to the bathroom and gets stuck, there's some turbulance, and she ends up straddling this guy. They once again tell us "don't judge too quickly." Yes sirs. Grade - 9.
* MOTOROLA - Motorola Pebl... Hello moto. Grade - 5.
* SHARPIE - Guy in pirate outfit whines about his job because he has a hook on his hand. Not that cool. Grade - 3.
* BUDWEISER - Wow, another commercial. They spent like 20 million dollars (at least) on advertising. This one sucked. It had horses and an old creepy guy telling a little kid "I won't tell if you won't." What's a pederast Walter? Grade - 2.
* NATIONWIDE INVESTMENTS - Faking me out and making me want to buy a shampoo that Fabio uses isn't that cool. However, it is a pretty funny commercial that had the room laughing. Grade - 6.
* HUMMER - An ad featuring a creature that looks like a cross between Godzilla and Jerome Bettis. That monster ends up hooking up with a robot. Apparently they weren't safe, as the Jerome Bettis creature ends up getting pregnant and firing out an H3. I wonder if that Hummer will grow up to win a Super Bowl like it's daddy? Grade - 4.
* PS - Hazmat suits and bikes. Their slogan "PS - the new clean." My new slogan "PS - that was a shitty commercial." Grade - 2.
* CAREERBUILDER.COM - More monkeys, and this time the guy calls another girl who works with a bunch of "jackasses". Seeing donkey's in suits and ties makes me giggle. Grade - 7.
* TACO BELL - Girl on PDA, guy in car, he's got a crunchwrap supreme. They look longingly at one another, and he says that he's "good to go." Bring back the "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" ads please. Grade - 4.
* SLIM FAST - Goodbye Roll, Hello Control! I want to laugh during super bowl ads, not look at a bunch of fatties dancing around. Grade - 1.
* TOYOTA TACOMA - Not only do the Japanese make significantly better automobiles than America, but their commercials beat our car companies as well. The Tacoma gets parked on a beach, and we're watching from a webcam's perspective as it gets thrashed around in a bunch of waves. As the surf goes away, the car goes back to it's original position, and the kayaker comes back to find his car fine. Toyota Tacomas are the balls. Grade - 8.
* DEGREE - Does any man out there buy their deoderant because of commercials they see on TV? Or are most of you like me, where you show up at the deoderant aisle and take the caps off, smelling which ones have the most normal smell and won't make your armpit hair all white. 3x the risk, 3x the protection... Degree: "For men who take risks." Not really, maybe for meatheads who think stunts for a deoderant commercial are cool. Grade - 0.
* EMERALD NUTS - I'm confused. Did I just eat a bunch of mushrooms? Emerald Nuts put up a lot of words with a lot of strange characters. There was an asian guy, a guy dressed as a monk, and a guy under the stairs. I have no idea what happened. Grade - 4.
* BUDWEISER - Now this was a really cool commercial. A lot of fans in a stadium are holding up placards that make a big budweiser bottle. The bottle then pours beer around the stadium and into an open glass, which gets filled. The glass is then drained and everybody goes "aaah." Very classy Budweiser. Grade - 8.
(Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Johnny Depp is a stud and I want to father his children. I can't WAIT until this comes out July 7th).
* MASTERCARD - A Macguyver sigting leaves me feeling very empty when he doesn't have a mullet. But I'm sure he can still blow up a chemical factory with a paper clip, some air freshener, and a bottle of toothpaste. Grade - 4.
* ESPN MOBILE - Similar to their first commercial, only this time the World's Strongest Man guy is pulling a bus that the guy gets on. Taint bad. Grade - 6.
* HONDA - I never knew Honda made a truck. Apparently the silhouettes of trashy women you find on redneck trucks find it sexy, because she got in there with a cartoon character. Grade - 5.
* HERESTOBEER.COM - This got me fired up to rip another beer. People saying "cheers" in about 20 different languages. I can dig it. The website doesn't have much though, I have no idea how they came up with the money to put on a commercial for the Super Bowl. Grade - 7.
* WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC - Yeah! The WBC shelling out some 'scrilla to advertise during the Super Bowl. I can't wait until we're there at the Semi-finals and Finals. Hopefully Ichiro Suzuki still has the Japanese flag painted on his face. Grade - 8.
* OUTBACK - A guy is comparing going back to Outback to a boomerang. That's funny, because I compare me going back to Outback to the Royals winning the AL Central: theoretically it's possible, but it's not going to happen for a long time. Grade - 4.
* WESTIN - I haven't been to a hotel where I've been forced to stay in a smoking room in my life. Apparently Westin is completely smoke free now. Fantastic. Grade - 3.
That's it for the commercials. Thanks for sticking around guys, I hope that you enjoyed my and Mr. Egedy's comments. I'd say overall it was a down year for commercial quality, but very tolerable. It's still amazing to me that these corporations shell out millions of dollars for advertising, and some of them can't even put something good together. Once again the beer commercials were the best. The dark horses had to be Ameriquest and Sprint (the more I think about it, the funnier whipping your cell phone at your buddy becomes). Pepsi... you should fire everybody you have doing your commercial work (besides the guys at Sierra Mist, they're sweet).