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Tuesday, February 28, 2006 

Roger Clemens: Still a Badass


I always knew Roger Clemens was a tough guy, but this is ridiculous. In case you missed it: yesterday, while throwing to Astros minor-leaguers to prepare for the upcoming World Baseball Classic, Clemens faced his 19 year old son Koby. Koby proceeded to jack the first pitch he saw over the fence.

Koby's reaction? Pride? Joy? Happiness? Wrong. "I kinda stood there," said Koby, "and was afraid he thought I was showing him up."

Now Clemens reacted like any proud parent would after their son hit his first home run of spring training: next at-bat he threw at Koby's head! "This is nothing new," said the senior Clemens. "I knocked him down and drilled him in father-son games." Holy shit! Talk about tough love. Could you imagine growing up in that family? Instead of you and dad going to the park and playing a friendly game of catch, he's throwing 93 mph GAS at you, brushing you off the plate if you make any contact.

"It's the expected," said Koby. "This is how I've been brought up." Wow. I always thought my old man was a hardass when he would yell at me during basketball games, tell me I needed to work on my footskills more for soccer, or make me hit the weights (which obviously helped). But he never brought a 93 mph heater into my grill if I hit a baseball off of him (and believe me, Big Steve certainly CAN bring 93 mph heat). Talk about tough love.

"He was like, 'Sorry about that pitch inside. I was trying to change the view of the ball for you a little bit,'" said Koby, a third baseman who was drafted by Houston last summer. Trying to change the view of the ball?! He was trying to decapitate you son. Unbelievable. After reading about Clemens' most recent tough guy activities, it got me to thinking... and I've come up with a conclusion:

Roger Clemens is a badass of Chuck Norris proportions!

Think about it, they're both good old boys from Texas, they're both two of the most dominant male athletes in the last 50 years, and they both keep kicking ass into their 40's. One is Walker Texas Ranger, the other one could very likely be playing for the Texas Rangers.

But, who is more of a badass? To break it down, we must compare facts about Chuck Norris and Roger Clemens :

(facts about Chuck Norris taken from "The Top 100 Facts About Chuck Norris")

On letting people know who's the boss
Norris - Raped Tony Danza and Bruce Springsteen simultaneously just to make them aware that Chuck Norris is the boss.
Clemens - Threw at his sons head after he hit a jack off him during a spring traking game.
Advantage - Norris

On donations
Norris - frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Clemens - the Roger Clemens Foundation, dedicated entirely to helping children.
Advantage - Clemens.

Impressive Numbers
Norris - counted to infinity. Twice.
Clemens - 4,502 strikeouts, 3.12 career ERA, 341 wins and 118 complete games.
Advantage - Clemens.

Relationship with President Bush
Norris - contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely misprounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.
Clemens - Gets frequent calls from both Bush the president, and Bush the ex-president. According to Michael Wilbon, "he'd come to the White House often enough that he'd become friends with members of the Secret Service, with soldiers."
Advantage - Norris (mainly because Bush is a huge douche)

Selling Out
Norris - sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck rounhouse kicked the devil in teh face and took his soul back.
Clemens - sold his soul to the devil when he left the Red Sox and went to Toronto to win 2 Cy Youngs, and followed that up by going to the Red Sox rivals the Yankees, where he won 1 more Cy Young and 2 world championships (please forgive me if that sounded too much like Simmons).
Advantage - Norris

Offseason Workout
Norris - Total gym fitness and weight loss machine.
Clemens - Grinding his arm through a garbage can filled with rice, over and over.
Advantage - Clemens

Dealing with Children
Norris - frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Clemens - again, throws fastballs at little kids heads if they hit a home run off of him.
Advantage - Norris

Putting substances into their bodies
Norris - to prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Clemens: Most likely on The Juice.
Advantage - Norris

So there you have it. Winner, AND STILL champion: Chuck Norris! A 5-3 unanimous decision over the rocket. However, the rocket did put up a good fight, and is still a badass... even if he has to make himself feel like more of a man by throwing fastballs at his teenage sons head.

-SEL

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Beat that clemens

griff in 06

you're an idiot. a 5-3 unanimous decision?

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