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Thursday, February 16, 2006 

The Lumber Yard (2/16)


[Editors Note: Occasionally we like to have guest writers on Noobsports.com. We call this section "The Lumber Yard." Todays Lumber Yard comes from Chuckles K, a physical specimen whose strength is only surpassed by his ability to write and make others laugh. Plus he only has one nut. Seriously.]

America’s Overlooked Winter Olympians

Don’t get me wrong, I love America, I LOVE IT. However, as the 2006 Torino Winter Games have been progressing, I find myself somewhat disappointed when I look at the nightly medal count. I know, we have the most Gold medals so far, but whatever happened to clean sweeps, American domination, and bathtubs full of medals of all elements? Sure, silver and bronze aren’t the best, unless you have so many you’re letting monkey's light cigars with them. So I say, until we have enough gold, silver and bronze to replace the penny with Olympic Medals, we need to refine and perfect the Team that wears the glorious Stars and Stripes. But before we go working our current Olympians to death, we need to scan the Land of the Free for those I like to call “America’s Overlooked Winter Olympians.”

FOX’s Skating with Celebrities has shown that Dave Coulier is the obvious Ice Dancing Choice. Everyone who was anyone in the early 90’s remembers the lovable Uncle Joey, who in the proper uniform could tear it up on the ice. Even in the partner routine, Ranger Joe and his beaver sidekick have a chemistry that is more fluid and connected than a hypodermic needle in Barry Bonds’ right ass cheek.
A close second goes to John Stamos, whose flowing hair and rebellious demeanor create an atmosphere of danger, intrigue, and sexual prowess. Unfortunately the French judge would surely frown on the Stami (consecutively dealt Stamoses) found halfway through the routine.

It’s undeniable that recent news that proven that Dick Cheney would be a dead lock Gold Medal in the Biathlon. Don’t kid yourselves, he most certainly made no mistake on that hunting trip, he hit his intended target with an exact precision. What few realize is that when you fuck with the Republican Party, you get what’s coming to you and in spades. Sometimes the Conservatives manage to slide it under the radar, but when it absolutely needs to be done, real men like Cheney won’t balk when the time comes for justice, even if it involves loading a geriatric with bird shot.

Although I shouldn’t fail to mention, until these more recent events, I was considering Robert Blake for the spot on the Biathlon, but I would be lying if I didn’t say I was nervous about him leaving the rifle at a restaurant.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Bode Miller just as much as the next heterosexual, but I think it would be only fair to take some pressure off of him, and give him some more quality time with the bottle. Therefore in his absence I would have to recommend Courtney Love to race the Super-G. Why? Because no one on earth can sprint to rock bottom faster. And the best part is, no matter how many times she’s helped back up, she fires herself to the bottom again, which is valuable in case a second run is needed because in the first you perhaps got coked up and convinced your boyfriend to paint the wall with his brain. At least she still smells like teen spirit, if that is teen spirit mixes equal parts cocaine, vomit and the stench of undeniable failure.

The sport of cross country can never be overlooked, and I’m sure that Jennifer “Runaway Bride” Wilbanks would make a great addition to the team, after proving that she can cross our own great country faster than Sammy Sousa can say, well, anything. For those of you who don’t pay attention on incredibly slow news days, you can read about her terribly uninteresting and not newsworthy story here.

Curling, sometimes known as “shuffleboard’s retarded cousin,” may be one of the lesser respected sports, but it should be noted that a Gold is a Gold, and we have the talent. I fear is has been too long overlooked, and Bobby Knight’s time to shine has come. Everyone knows the man for his temper, but it is maintained psychologists (none of whom I’ve consulted) that his rage was merely an outlet for a frustration over an inability to showcase an innate curling ability. Watch the video closely, and you will not be able to deny the genius placement Knight puts on the chair. The only argument for his overthrow is the lack of designated Sweepers to slow the chair to a surefire Gold medal placement. Luckily for Team America, we even have the Sweepers. Due to more recent team “restructuring,” Charlie Batch and Steve Mariucci have developed incredible broom skill, as can be expected when one’s new career involves cleaning the restrooms of Ford Field house.

The last athlete I would like to pick for America’s Torino Olympics “should haves” will compete in one of the staples of the Winter Games themselves. The sport in which any Tom, Dick or French Stewart can excel involves no more athleticism than bus driving does clean urine samples; the luge. Jerry Seinfeld once pointed out that the luge might actually be worth watching if instead of trained Olympians, unwilling pedestrians were forced to ride the course. More than one part of me would love to see that, but I think in the spirit of competitiveness and American Ideal, millionaire heiress Paris Hilton should be the U.S.’s number one pick for the luge, because to succeed in this pseudo-sport, you simply need to be the best at lying on your back and taking it.

- Chuckles K

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