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Monday, February 27, 2006 

Coming Strong with Phil (2/27)


[Editors Note: Phil is SEL's little brother, and is writing exclusively for Noobsports.com. He is very opinionated, and can do an outstanding impression of a "Bulldog" when he's had enough to drink.]

I have two words for you: Jason McElwain. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, let me fill you in. Jason is a 17-year-old autistic student at Greece Athena High School in Rochester, NY. After getting cut from the team, Jason became the team manager. For the division title game, the coach decided to let J-MAC suit up instead of wearing a shirt and tie as manager. The coach had no intention to put J-MAC into the game. After the team went up by double digits, the fans began chanting for Jason. With four minutes remaining, Jason checked into his first high school basketball game ever. After missing his first two shots, Jason proceeded to drop 20 points. Yeah, 20 points. He rained 6 consecutive threes and hit a long jumper (which was a three but his foot was on the line). Feel good story of the year? Absolutely. After the game J-MAC said, "I was really hotter than a pistol!" My only problem? The coach said for the next game Jason will be back on the bench with his shirt and tie. After a T-Mac-esque performance I would have J-MAC on the bench in case the team needed I don’t know, say 60 points in a quarter. What’s J-MAC doing after high school? “I'll go on to college and I'll try to hoop there". I am surely pulling for you J-MAC! [Editors Note: We linked to this story yesterday. To see the news coverage of it, click here]

Ricky Williams failed yet another drug test. Unbelievable. Ricky, what’s going on big guy? Don’t you owe the Dolphins well over 9 figures? Can you not stay out of trouble for a few years? After you pay your debts off, you can burn all the tree you want, but until then you have to stay clean bud. I have a real hard time comprehending why this should be so hard. This is what Ricky’s mom Sandy Williams had to say about it all: "He's so particular about what he puts in his body now. I'll bet my life he's not smoking marijuana.” Really? Your life? I might bet a 40 or a loosey, but your life? That seems a little extreme. Given Slick Rick’s track record, I just wouldn’t be all that shocked to hear he was burning tree again. I’ve heard that it may not be marijuana that he tested for but I still can’t understand why Ricky is failing drug tests. Ricky, drugs are bad mmmkay.

The Lions are also bad. That’s not even my opinion; it’s an actual fact. They are just plain terrible. So bad that I stopped watching them on Sundays because it made my day (and week) that much worse. Ask my friends. So, this off-season I decided that I would only occasionally read about what is going on because I have no doubt that Millen is messing something up (probably even right now as I type this column). I try not to get to excited or upset about it. However, the other day I was reading and I read that Mike Martz wants to keep Joey Harrington because he thinks he can succeed. Uhh Mike, please pass what ever it is that you’re smoking over here because it seems that you have tied on a very strong buzz. My guess: Hash. In any case, it must be good because you have to be really fucked up to go off and say something so wrong. Your evaluation of Joseph Harrison is so far from reasonable that I just pray to the heavens you said that purely out of sports political correctness (I suppose you can’t just walk into a new city and say my blind, 6 year old daughter with two fingers who’s in a wheel chair can lead a football team better than Harrington).

So it appears that Sammy and Barry are slowly leaving baseball. Sosa, unwilling to take less than a million per, may not even be coming back for one more season. Bonds sounds like he will only play one, maybe two more, which will not be enough time to break the record. The way I see it? They both recognized that they have cheated the game of baseball with things like corked bats and steroids. Now there are plenty of readers out there that will read this and give the old “well Bonds never tested for steroids so he is not guilty”. Then why wouldn’t he ever take a drug test to prove doubters? Look, Phil Mickelson has never tested positive for jelly filled doughnuts, but I can assure you that he dabbles frequently. Bond’s head to body ratio is equivalent to that of a bobble head. To say that he has been juicing is an understatement. Both Bonds and Sosa have enough respect for the game to fade away slowly, but neither has the nads to admit why they are doing it.

Finally, as I watched sports center the other day I saw one of the more shocking claims I think I’ve ever seen. Stephen A. Smith said “The Miami Heat are the reason there will not be a Pistons-Spurs repeat in the NBA finals”. Apparently the Heat’s win over the pistons on the 12th of February fueled such a statement. Look, Miami was playing at home, Dwayne Wade had arguably his best game ever, Shaq diesel put up 30+ (something that very rarely occurs anymore), the Pistons played poorly, and the Heat won by two points. Two. Stephen, quite frankly, your show sucks ass. You are employed for the same reason Bill Walton is; you say the most outlandish shit and people get a kick out of watching you publicly embarrass your reputation. You are looking at the best Pistons starting five to ever step on the court. The Heat will be lucky to win a game, much less the whole series. My suggestion? Go take Brian Collin’s job at Ball state. Stephen A. passes to the man and boom goes the dynamite.

Stephen A. Smith does suck balls but he looks and sounds like the Michael Jordan of commentating next to Woody Paige. How Woody is still on ESPN is beyond me. Brian Collins is better than Woody!

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