Coming Strong with Phil (2/15)
I welcome you to coming strong with Phil. This is the first of what I hope to become a regular column on noobsports.com. What’s the significance of coming strong? Ask anyone that has ever talked sports with me. I love when sports analyst are brutally honest. Why sugar coat and say things nicely? Among my favorite people who do precisely this is Jim Rome. Rome calls it like he sees it. I fully intend to do the same thing. Imagine Jeff Hornacek coming into Dikimbe Mutumbo's house. As I’m sure Dikembe would tell you, don't bring the weak shit. I most certainly will not bring the weak shit.
"I may not be a class act, but I'm an American." – Ron Artest on wanting to play for the Olympic basketball team. Excuse me, what did you just say Ron? Not a class act? What else, why don’t we send Timothy McVeigh to the World science convention? He may not be a “class act”, but he is an American. Look Ron Ron, behave yourself for a little while in Sacramento, keep bustin’ rhymes, and keep your hairdo fresh. The only place the Unites States of American is going to send you is prison. Sometime last year the media asked Ron a question that contained the word integrity. His response? "I don't know what that means... what is integrity?" Ron (insert a very disappointed sigh), I believe it’s an old wooden ship that was used during the civil war era. Get serious.
A few weekends ago the University of Michigan Wolverines handed the Sparties a significant loss in the Big 10. After the loss, every Michigan State fan I know has given me nothing but excuses about the refs being the reason they lost. Izzo was the first to admit that his team got out played. Nonetheless, the fans still look like Paul Davis (why does he always look so emo? His girlfriend is banging hot) any time the game gets mentioned. Look, excuses are like assholes; everyone’s got one and they stink. Why don’t you guys call up Mike Holmgrem, Phil Jackson and throw a pity party. What should the theme of your party be? A cheese and whine party. What happens if someone gets injured at the party? Call the Waaaahmbulance. Look, referees don’t win and lose basketball games unless you play for Duke. Stop blaming the refs and deal with it. Plus, when Michigan has guys like Horton at the line during the end of the game, they’re surely not going to choke.
As I’m sure you have all heard about, there has been speculation of Wayne Gretzky gambling on sports and being involved with the gambling controversy. Wayne, I am not upset about you being involved with the gambling. In fact, the whole thing (gambling within pro sports, organized crime from Philly being involved, the love/hate triangle between Wayne, Toccet, and Wayne’s wife) is wonderful. It’s like the real world: CSI. Really, in excites me. I’m not going to try and judge whether or not you were a part of this even though I have my suspicions. However, I do have a problem. Every time anyone has asked you about your wife, your reaction has been “uhh I guess you would have to talk to her about it (EH)”. Wait what? Wayne... this is your wife here: half a million dollars on illegal gambling (5 grand on the coin toss during the Superbowl by the way). Talk to her about it? Not only did Wayne rapid punch his wife under the bus, he threw that grey hound in reverse and smashed her head in a few times. Wayne, when your wife is serving hard time with a big dude named Brutus in the Pen you might regret the way you handled that. Nice job 99 (the great one).
The last thing I am going to come strong with today is about the diet Pepsi commercial during the Superbowl. Before the bowl even started, I read that they were going to use Jay Mohr in it. When I heard this, this is what went on in my head: PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean? Jay Mohr? You cannot possibly be serious. How on earth is Pepsi going to fork over that much jack and then ask a second tier actor/comedian like Jay Mohr to do their commercial? They never gave themselves a chance to succeed with the commercial. You knew before you even saw the commercial that it was going to be one of the worst five Superbowl commercials ever (which by the way would be a great article in itself). I mean, that’s like the NBA asking Rick Mahorn to do this year’s dunk contest. There is no conceivable way it was going to work out. Look, I don’t drink diet Pepsi to begin with, but this commercial was so bad that if I was a Del Phi I might consider stopping drinking diet Pepsi.