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Monday, February 13, 2006 

A Case of the Mondays (02/13)

Recapping the important events of the weekend...

- Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow quail hunter on a 50,000 acre ranch in Texas this weekend. The hunter did not sustain life threatening injuries but was sprayed in the face, neck, and chest with shotgun pellets. Cheney claimed that he had information that led him to believe that the hunter was in possession of weapons of mass destruction. That information has since been proven false, but Cheney still refuses to remove American forces from the man's hospital room. At press time, it was unclear how Halliburton would profit from the shooting.

- If you hadn't figured it out yet, the Detroit Pistons will not be challenging the 72 win record of the Chicago Bulls. After losing to the Miami Heat 100-98 Sunday, the 'Stons have lost 3 of their last 5 games. While the Pistons played down the loss, there might be some concerns developing. The Heat outscored Detroit 66-24 in the paint and Detroit couldn't find a way to stop Dwyane Wade, who scored 37 points, including his team's final 17. Fortunately, the 'Stons can coast into the playoffs but now is still the time for Flip Saunders to earn his $5 million salary by pulling his team out of a midseason mini-slump. Meanwhile, Pat Riley kept his team loose Sunday by dancing to the music of the Doobie Brothers before the game. When told who was performing the music, a confused Jason Williams reached for his cell phone, dialed high school teammate Randy Moss, and whispered "Hey Randy, I finally figured out what our old nickname meant..."

- U.S. Snowboarder Shaun White captured gold in the men's halfpipe Sunday at the Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy. The 19 year old "Flying Tomato" was able to ketchup and win the event after a shaky first qualifying run. While I'm certainly not an extreme sports expert, his winning run was impressive, mostly because of the "amplitude" of his tricks. Let's just say he was getting more air than Dark Helmet and Colonel Sanders tried to steal in Space Balls. Afterwards, White said that he hoped the gold medal would help him "pick up babes." Don't worry Shaun; the Olympic Village has a reputation for being a bit wild. My advice is to hang out with Bode Miller as much as possible.

- Nike debuted its commercial for Kobe Bryant's new sneakers, the Zoom Kobe I. It's amazing what an 81 point game will do for one's popularity. Welcome back to Madison Avenue, Kobe.


I would like to make an additional bold claim about the Dick Cheney shooting. By now, everyone has heard that there was a 24 hour delay between the incident and the Veep's office reporting it. Their excuse is extremely weak: they thought the owner of the ranch should tell the public and local press. White House spokesman Scott McClellan was really struggling under the heat fielding questions about it. So, my bold claim - Cheney was drinking while hunting and was buying some time. Isnt out of the question, right???

what about the fact that he wasn't even hunting legally. cheney didn't have his appropriate stamp to hunt the birds in the first place. so, we have a VP shooting a guy in the face without the proper credentials. apparently he has since written a check for $7 and sent it in. wow, only $7 to shoot a white male in Texas. with that type of info, i'd imagine anyone can show up at a texas/mexico border and take free target practice.

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