The Bode Miller Experiment (Part II)
Welcome to Crested Butte Mountain Resort, Crested Butte, Colorado. CB is one of Colorado's best ski resorts, known for having the most lift-accessed extreme terrain in the world, known for being in the middle of nowhere, and known for people skiing naked on the last day of the season (seriously). Now, Crested Butte will also be known for another thing: the birthplace of the Bode Miller Experiment.
In Part I of the B.M.E., we went over the premise for the experiment, our predictions, and what the setup of the test would be. Now, in Part II, we present you with what you've been waiting for - the results.
First of all, the weather was pretty nasty. It was overcast all day, with poor visibility, and 10-20 MPH winds all day. It had snowed 3 inches the night before, so the ground was soft. (The picture on the right is a picture of my bike on my front porch covered in snow). The lack of sun, coupled with the fact that it was a Wednesday in February, led to there being about 100 total people at the entire mountain. Perfect conditions for the B.M.E.
Without further adieu, the rest of the results:
(5) Analyze the Results:
1st run - If you can recall, the first run was going to be down a run called "The Headwall." As was stated in Part 1 of the B.M.E., the Headwall is a double-black diamond run with about a 40 degree slope. (The picture on the right is me at the top of The Headwall). The first run went very smoothly.
Results: The test subject (SEL) skied the run rather aggressively, making many turns and not stopping once. The style would be considered "smooth" or "money", and there wasn't even a hint of falling. Pretty much went as expected.
2nd run - The second run was to be a timed run, from the top of the Paradise lift, to the bottom of the East river lift. This part probably most resembles Bode's drunk skiing, as the test subject is being timed for speed. This entire run is on blue squares, groomed runs that let you go pretty much as fast as you can. Although there are no gates (like Bode has to deal with), there are real live other people on the mountain that move, which could prove to be obstacles. There are also a number of rolling hills, which when hit at a high rate of speed, sends the skier into the air.
Results - The test subject skied the run just like a racer would, tucking almost the entire way. There were no problems, and the run went pretty much as well as possible. Near the end of the run, the test subjects thighs were burning a little bit. Time - 2:43.43
3rd run - The third run is down a run called "Double-Top". Like I said in Part I, this run has the highest probability of a "Sonny Bono" moment. There are trees along the top of the run, which lead to a steep mogul field.
Results - The test subject got through the trees no problem. The mogul field was okay, as the test subject despises skiing moguls. There was 1 break in the middle, but the rest of the way was relatively smooth and tight turns, and the style looked sharp.
360 - As was stated in Part I, the test subject was to attempt a 360 off of a catwalk at the end of the run. The 360 was attempted, and landed very smoothly, ski's forward, and the test subject skied away no problem.
Ah yes, this is where we transform the test subject from "normal, sober skier" into "Bode Time." The drinks started off at the Paradise Warming hut. In honor of Brady, Shockenapp, Z. Brian, and Nasty (all Noobs), the drinking kicked off with a double shot of Goldschlager. That definitely took the edge off, and things were going in the right direction. Being poor, I also didn't want to purchase all my drinks, so I brought some from home. Shortly thereafter, I took a shot of Hot Damn 100 proof (the ultimate on mountain beverage). Trying to pace myself (remember, 6 drinks were to be consumed in 2 hours), I cracked Crested Butte local's favorite beer, a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Like usual, the Pabst was tasteless, but went down smooth and was very satisfying. This was about 45 minutes into the drinking, and I had to go to the bathroom. At this point, I had a little buzz working, and felt good about myself, and about life in general.
Returning from the bathroom, I purchased a shot of Rumpelminze. Good times being had by all. I then cracked open my second PBR, and nursed it for about 30 minutes. At this point, I'm certainly not sober, and wouldn't be able to operate heavy machinery. To finish things off, I put down a shot of Jagermeister, and the deer blood put me where I needed to be. This is 1.5 hours into the drinking, and I can be considered nothing but "drunk". Remember, I weigh 155 pounds (and that's being generous), and I'm drinking at 10,000 feet. You get drunker quicker at altitude. Let's just say I had all the liquid courage I needed to get back out there and take on the second half of the experiment.
(5) Analyze the Results -
1st run - Hey oooooh! Wow, what a difference. The test subject's legs feel a little wobbly, but he feels like he can take on the world. The T-bar up to the top of the headwall was interesting, but the test subject made it all the way up. Standing on top of the run, the subject said "this is the dumbest thing I've ever done", before heading down the run.
Results - Wow. The test subject was surpsingly good going down the headwall. The style started off good at the top, but got progressively worse towards the bottom. There were no spills, but a couple of near misses towards the bottom. The test subject stayed on his feet, and completed the run to the bottom in satisfactory fashion.
2nd run - Standing on top of the run, the test subject felt very similar to how Bode feels at the top of the olympic slalom course: drunk, courageous, and ready to dominate (and hopefully not straddle any gates).
Results - Oh man! Let's just say that the test subject understands why Bode looks so wreckless. During the timed portion, the test subject had a couple near misses with skiers on the mountain, and almost ate shit a couple times going around turns. Going off a couple of the rollers, the test subject broke his tuck position, and started "rolling down the windows" to keep from falling. The pace seemed MUCH faster than round one, but somehow the time didn't reflect that. Time - 2:46.11
3rd run - [Editors note: It was astutely pointed out by some readers that SEL's buzz would be dropping after a certain amount of time. Believe me, this was not the case. However, since Noobsports.com writers love their fans more than anything else on earth, the test subject decided it would be a good idea to take a couple pulls of Hot Damn 100 proof while riding up the lift. As you will see, this was not the greatest idea.]
This is ridiculous. At this point, I'm drunk, and much like a dumb hick from Texas with too much money and too many vacation days, I have no business being on a ski slope. My speech is slurred, my legs aren't really functioning properly, and I'm about to head into a run filled with trees, followed by a steep field of moguls. Damnit.
Results - DISASTER. There was no Sonny Bono moment (thank God), but there were a few close calls. The test subject had to intentionally fall to avoid a tree, which would have certainly been a poor end to the experiment. The rest of the tree run went well. Coming out to the moguls was a different story.
As has been stated before, the test subject doesn't like moguls. Being drunk and attempting moguls proved to be a bad idea. The test subject found it very difficult to link turns, and the style looked very noobish. The test subject actually contemplating taking off his skis and walking down the mountain, but then remembered the fans and what they wanted. The rest of the run was as bad as the top, as the test subject struggles to make any turns, and was cursing life.
360 - Uh oh. This didn't work out as planned. Let's just say that there are 360 degrees in a circle (which apparently there are). The test subject made it about 210 before crashing to the ground. In skier vernacular, this would be considered a "yard sale." Both of the test subject's skis came off, one pole came off, and his helmet and goggles were twisted around to the side.
(6) Draw the conclusion:
In Part I, we hypothesized that "skiing wasted is, in fact, hard (but not THAT hard)." Our results seem to support this conclusion. On the first run, the test subject still made it down the double-black, but had some difficulties when he was drunk. On the second run, the test subject SEEMED to go faster when he was drunk (although the results refute this), and his style certainly mimicked that of Bode Miller (out of control). The third run went pretty well the first time, but the drunk run was a near death experiment, ending in a pretty nasty wipeout on a jump. So what can we conclude?
1 - Skiing drunk is more difficult than skiing sober.
2 - Skiing with a buzz on (not drunk) is more fun than skiing sober.
3 - 360's (or any other trick) should not be attempted on skis under the influence of alcohol.
(7) Report your results and conclusion:
I think we've already accomplished this through the glorious World Wide Web.
In real life news today, Bode appeared to have a huge lead in the Alpine combined, only to have his score disqualified because he straddled a gate. This was done in typical Bode fashion, and he didn't find out about it until 45 minutes after he was done with his race. We're guessing he was drunk at the time of the race, but have absolutely no evidence to back it up.
In conclusion, we feel the Bode Miller Experiment went pretty well. The test subject skied sober, got drunk, skied drunk, managed to survive, and took a nap. The Noobsports family does not discourage drinking and skiing, as long as it's done in moderation and the skier stays within his/her limits. We certainly discourage getting wasted and skiing, as only bad things can happen.
Finally, we'd like to thank Bode Miller. A real American, Bode should be an inspiration to all of us. He makes millions of dollars doing something he loves, and has a good time while he's doing it. So what if he's a little hungover on the hill? So what if he's seen at a bar the night before his first Olympic race? We're all human. So here's to Bode, a man's man who likes to tie a little buzz on and head down the slopes, and the inspiration for this article. Cheers!