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Monday, January 16, 2006 

The Grimm Reaper

Ever since the firing of Steve Marriucci, there have been many rumors floating around about who the Lions are going to hire as their new head coach. The leader in the clubhouse seems to be Russ Grimm.

Russ Grimm... Like most people, I've never heard of the guy until he was mentioned for the Lions job. Apparently he is the current assistant coach and offensive line coach for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the players that play for him love him. I'm not so sure how excited I am about having a head coach that's coming out of the Steelers "system". I would much rather see the Lions become the next "Greatest Show on Turf" than the next Pittsburgh Steelers. Having said that, I'd gladly trade in style for wins.

Let's learn more about Grimm... Here are some Pro's and Con's about the man apparently at the top of the list for the Lions coaching position:

Pro - Grimm is a former Redskin offensive lineman and 4 time Pro Bowler. Making 4 Pro Bowls leads me to believe that 1) he's a baller, and 2) he knows the game. Not bad.

Con - He doesn't have head-coaching experience. None. At any level. Doesn't really excite me.

Pro - Grimm won the 1991 Super Bowl playing on the Washington Redskins (with Matt Millen, by the way). I'll always support a man with rings.

Con - Playing for said Redskins, him and his other linemen were nicknamed "the Hogs". A buddy of mine in college played offensive lineman in high school, and they were nicknamed "the Hogs." We'll call him May Janojlavich. A great guy, but a relatively aggro-meathead who watches chipmunk porn and prefers the company of a fast car to a good woman. Let's just say that "May" isn't the kind of guy I want running my favorite football team.

Pro - Steelers Pro Bowl center Jeff Hartings says: "He knows more about the game than anybody I've been around, so that's obviously going to be a credit to him if he becomes a head coach." I can handle a guy that's knowledgeable.

Con - He looks STRIKINGLY SIMILAR to Matt Millen:

Left - Millen

Right - Grimm

There's a chance that Millen and Grimm were seperated at birth, which doesn't necessarily give me a lot of confidence in Grimm's ability to get the job done. There's also a chance that Millen has been moonlighting as the Steelers O-line coach under the alias of "Russ", just so he can hire himself to coach the Lions. I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

It's been pretty rough for Lions fans for about, oh, the last HALF CENTURY. The Lie-downs have won exactly 1 playoff game since 1957, yet dumbass fans like myself continue to keep the faith year after year, hoping that this will be the year that we'll breakthrough (or at least make the playoffs). Espn.com Page 2 came out with a misery index, where the Lions ranked 4th. Bad times.

In today's Detroit Free Press, Nick Cotsonika points out that the Lions can't contact Grimm, much less make him an offer, until the Steelers lose in the playoffs. He also drops this gem on us:
"Or will they go after someone else, like former New Orleans coach Jim Haslett?"
Read that again. Jim Haslett?!? The same Jim Haslett that led the Saint to a stunning 3-13 record this year? The same Jim Haslett who is the definition of mediocre, who made it to the playoffs his first year as head coach of the Saints in 2000, but hasn't won over 9 games since? The same Jim Haslett who has teams quit on him every year about 3/4 of the way through the regular season? That Jim Haslett? Are you fucking serious?

(come to think of it, with that coaching record, he'd be a great fit in the Lions organization)

Mr. Millen, right now you're not the most popular guy in Detroit. The Lions have gone 21-59 since you've been here. Hiring Jim Haslett wouldn't just be stupid, it would be a complete disaster. Your fans already hate you, and this would probably put it over the top. Other names that have been thrown around for the Lions are Maurice Carthon (Cleveland), Gary Kubiak (Denver), Jerry Gray (Buffalo), Al Saunders (Kansas City), Tim Lewis (New York Giants), Ron Rivera (Chicago), Jim Schwartz (Tennessee), and Cam Cameron (San Diego). Out of all those names, Cam Cameron is my favorite candidate... Although I'm not convinced I can trust a man to lead the Lions who's first name is the beginning of his last name. How lazy were his parents? That would be like Nate naming his kid "Van Van Heest"... Which turns out to be pretty awesome I guess. Two thumbs up for Cameron.

According to the same Free Press article, Millen met with Grimm last Thursday night in Pittsburgh. The meeting reportedly lasted for 5 hours, and this is what Grimm had to say about it:
"We went the distance," Grimm said. "It was longer than I expected, but that's all right. I mean, whatever it takes."
Uhh... What??? Apparently there's a deeper relationship between Grimm and Millen than I ever knew. It's one thing for you to look like Matt Millen, but to say something like that? Come on. Taking a look at that picture though, it wouldn't really surprise me if he turned out to be like the guy in Deliverance who says "you got a real pretty mouth on you boy." Kind of creepy.

I'm a Lions fan through and through, but I can't help but be a little anxious knowing that Millen is in charge of finding us a coach. After the Marty Mornhinweg abortion in 2001, and costing us $200,000 for not interviewing any minorities when hiring Steve Mariucci, I feel it's my right as a Lions fan to be a little nervous. At least Millen is taking his time with this one. As long as the end result doesn't turn out to be Jim Haslett, I think I'll be okay.

After doing my research, I would support the hiring of Grimm. Even though he's a total Millen-alike and trends towards saying gay slang in interviews. I would support his hiring, and I think he's a good candidate for us to pursue. He's supposedly a good disciplinarian, and that's exactly what Detroit needs.

I also feel that there is the perfect man for the job, but he'll most certainly get overlooked by Millen & CO. We've got the talent on the Lions, no real standout stars, but a lot of above average players. Can you think of another coach who has done great things with a team that has no real superstars, but a lot of above average players? I can, and he's got them 'stones off to a 30-5 start in the NBA... that's right Matt Millen, the perfect coach is already in Detroit, right under your nose, and you're going to miss him. He's my boy... Flip, Flip, game ova.


So my google homepage quote of the day was as follows:

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
- Erma Bombeck

Who you calling a shithead now?

i totally agree. if millen puts haslett in the proverbial "behind the wheel" of the big ford, forget about it. i can only pray for haslett to bring a crack pipe and find wayne fontes floating down the detroit river in a cigar boat. if you want to see some winning in detroit, you need to have names (damn lepper and his name hangups) that end in the sound of "E". Let's take a look at one of the best motown coaches ever, Potsy Clark. He guided us to a .669 winning pct. in the 30s. Yea, I believe this was before we were the Motor city Lions....who the hell came up with Lions? Shit, we used to play Detroit teams all the time when I strapped em on, and they had names like "Tractors" and "Thunderbirds"...and they were State champs from fordtown. No, we are Lions. ya, all dem pretty lions from africa. africa. yep, detroit lions. a lame copy of the detroit tigers? digression...yes...intention...guess. Potsy though, he was a coach. Or, how about, Buddy Parker. He was the stud in the 50's with a 50-24 record. we had two coach's named gus,one named dutch, a Bo, a John, a George, a Joe, a Darryl, a Don, a Rick, a Tommy, a Monte, a Gary, a Bobby, a Marty, a Harry, and a Steve. 22 coaches. can't wait for the next. We've had a Tom, and a Harry, and we are left with a little Dick (jauron) to replace. Let's get the dick a jane....hell, spot.

john clayton is claiming that he thinks haslett is coming to motown (per mike n mike this am). that made me blow coffee thru my nose and walk to the pc. so, here i am still pulling java out of my chest hairs smoking Win-Stones, and lo and behold, the coach's career guillotine (that's detroit) is making the noob headlines. Grimm, well, why not. We're already there. The guy was a helluva player in his day, and I'm all for a disciplinarian, but I just don't see the reason to go down the road on another unproven. why the hell did we fire mooch when we did? what did it do for us to fire him mid-season? so we got spanked on turkey day...who cares. atlanta has a better team than we do. we shoulda lost, we did lose, and everyone in the world expected us to, so why fire him then? it just defies the concept of business, management, and effective resource allocation. i've worked in more restaurants than I have digits, and no management is fired mid-season without absolute neccessity. You might lose your job at the end of the season; you might know that you will lose your job at the end of the season; but everyone knows that canning management before the end is one that disrupts everyone from top down. Even if they were to want mooch out, why fire him and replace him with someone else you don't want to be there? aka gary moeller. btw - moeller had a winning record of 4-3. but, like anyone who comes from UofM, their mentality quickly turns to dust...aka Bo Shuckbucker. There was a dumb management fella as well - once away from the confines of tradition. Unlike our "cunning linguist" of this post, I've never been able to enjoy a uofm moment...ever...well, except when they lose. call another TO Webber! classic! throw another bomb kordell colorado...rocky mt. high! those were two moments i enjoyed most indulgently. in fact, i was in the u.p. while watching that cu v. uofm game when it happened...the whole place but one couple erupted with pure joy...a bar with about 20some peeps in it. it was hilarious, we were in michigan at a bar and everyone was rooting for colorado. maybe it has to do with northern michigan, the farther you head north...the greener it, and you, become (pack and spartans, not the metro blues). cmon, bo can't even get a signed contract (Tigers). oh yea, "I coached the wolves, can I play baseball now?"....aka drew henson in reverse (he's off to play in europe this year). so, as the pellston crippler takes hold, i'm wondering if i can turn this into one big sentence? and, i wonder if the noobs need any other writers? and i wonder if anyone in CO has the pull to find me a bartending job so i can live in a backpack again? and why is it so hard to actually change the tv when the remote isn't where you are? i mean i can listen to absolute infomercial after another if i just look at this damn screen and scroll and type. and that i do believe the world is round most days, but as i recently watched "the Gods Must Be Crazy" again, i turtle dove off to the little bushman trying to walk the damned coke bottle to the edge of the earth to throw it away...i see your grimm reaper carrying matt millen in a two door tap-sawed-off ford escort with "Matt Millen" painted really large on all the panels, and it's pulled by a young girl in a barry sanders jersey in the next detroit parade...and then there's sean peyton and gary kubiak (but they're both gone it appears as well)...

While we may be hiring Haslett (which I'm STRONGLY against), at least we're not the Eagles - who just promoted Marty Mornhinweg to O-Coordinator. Maybe they'll get Ted Tollner to be QB coach now - he's REALLY good.

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